Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Scene 7 : Bruces
From From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 2 episode 9 sketch 2
also appeared on Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief (1973),
live albums Live at Drury Lane, Monty Python Live at City Center (1976)
and the compilation albums Monty Python Instant Record Collection UK, Monty Python Sings and Monty Python’s Final Rip-off
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Bruce 1 Eric Idle
Bruce 2 Neil Innes
Bruce 3 Michael Palin
Bruce 1 Good evening, ladies and bruces!
Bruce 2 Hello, Bruce.
Bruce 1 Hello, Bruce.
Bruce 3 Hello, Bruce.
Bruce 1 Hey, Bruce.
Bruce 2 What’s all this lot, Bruce?
Bruce 1 It’s very nice to be here at the Hollywood Bowl this evening! We’re all philosophy professors from the University of Woolamaloa, Australia!
All Bruces Hey, Australia, Australia, Australia! God love ya!
Bruce 1 I teach Hegelian philosophy, Bruce here teaches Aristotolean philosophy, and Bruce here is in charge of the sheep dip.
Bruce 2 [Cough] Bloody difficult work, I tell ya!
Bruce 1 I’ll tell you what is thirsty work watching this garn of human. Bruce, why don’t you just stick out a few of these little free examples from your —-.
Bruce 1 All right! Now, the reason we do this, ladies and bruces, is frankly over here we find your American beer is a little like making love in a canoe!
Bruce 3 Making love in a canoe?
Bruce 1 It’s fucking close to water! Well now, we’re going to try and raise the tone a little here by singing a nice intellectual song for for those two or three of you in the audience…
Bruce 2 Right!
Bruce 1 …who understand these things. So, here we go!
All Bruces
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
There’s nothing Nietszche couldn’t teach ya
‘Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
Bruce 2 How do you like that? All right!
Bruce 1 Let’s hold it a second. I can see some of these bruces are in a bit of a playful mood tonight. Ain’t that, Bruce?
Bruce 2 Yeah, Bruce.
Bruce 1 Some of the ones that don’t have straws up their nose. Anyway, why don’t we do something rather… Why don’t we get some of these guys to sing along with us? —-.
Bruce 2 Ok, I’ve got the words somewhere.
Bruce 1 Right! Ready!
Bruce 2 Right! Ready!
All Bruces & Audience
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
Bruce 2 Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy…
Bruce 1 They’re a typical Hollywood audience! All the kids are on drugs, and all the adults are on roller skates! Have we got any…have we got anything bigger to put the words up for these rather shortsighted people?
Bruce 2 This is Bruce from the Biology Department.
Bruce 1 All right. Okay, here we go.
All Bruces & Audience :
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable
Bruce 2 Come on!
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All Bruces & Audience :
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could take you under the table
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as sloshed as Schlegel
There’s nothing Nietszche couldn’t teach ya
‘Bout the raising of the wrist
Socrates himself was permanently pissed
John Stuart Mill of his own free will
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill
Plato they say could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day
Aristotle, Aristotle was a buggar for the bottle
Hobbes was fond of his Dram
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart
“I drink, therefore I am !”
Yes Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he’s pissed