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mplhb 09 Camp Judges

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Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl


Scene 9 : Camp Judges
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 2 episode 8 sketch 9
and also Live at City Center

Judge 1 Eric Idle
Judge 2 Michael Palin

Judge 1 Ooh, I’ve had a bitch of a morning in the high court!

Judge 2 Oh, oh!

Judge 1 Oh, I could stamp my little feet at the way those counsels are carrying on.

Judge 2 Oh, don’t tell me, love.

Judge 1 Oh, dear, objection here, objection there. And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well!

Judge 2 Oh, ah.

Judge 1 Beautiful speaking voice.

Judge 2 And what a body!

Judge 1 Oh, yeah

Judge 2 Oh, yeah. Ooh, ah.

Judge 1 Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel.

Judge 2 You what, love?

Judge 1 I banged me gavel!

Judge 2 Oh, get away!

Judge 1 I did!

Judge 2 Ooh!

Judge 1 I did my “silence in court” bit.

Judge 2 Oh.

Judge 1 If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel would have been in for thirty years.

Judge 2 Hum-hum!

Judge 1 How did your summing-up go?

Judge 2 Uh, well, I did my box voice, you know, “what the jury must understand”, and they loved it!

Judge 1 Ah.

Judge 2 I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me!

Judge 1 Really?

Judge 2 Oh, yeah. Cheating devil. I finished up with, I got really strict: “The actions of these vicious men are a violent state upon the community and the four pounds of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes!”

Judge 1 Oh, yeah?

Judge 2 And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha!

Judge 1 You waggled you what?

Judge 2 I waggled me wig!

Judge 1 Really?

Judge 2 Ah, the only thing I waggled!

Judge 1 Ooh…

Judge 2 Ever so slightly, stood in effect.

Judge 1 Ooh!

Judge 2 Anyway, I gave him three years. Merely took ten minutes.

Judge 1 Ooh…well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know: “You can put it in the hand of your attorneys, but it’ll never stand up in court!”

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