Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Scene 9 : Camp Judges
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 2 episode 8 sketch 9
and also Live at City Center
Judge 1 Eric Idle
Judge 2 Michael Palin
Judge 1 Ooh, I’ve had a bitch of a morning in the high court!
Judge 2 Oh, oh!
Judge 1 Oh, I could stamp my little feet at the way those counsels are carrying on.
Judge 2 Oh, don’t tell me, love.
Judge 1 Oh, dear, objection here, objection there. And that nice policeman giving his evidence so well!
Judge 2 Oh, ah.
Judge 1 Beautiful speaking voice.
Judge 2 And what a body!
Judge 1 Oh, yeah
Judge 2 Oh, yeah. Ooh, ah.
Judge 1 Well, after a bit all I could do was bang me gavel.
Judge 2 You what, love?
Judge 1 I banged me gavel!
Judge 2 Oh, get away!
Judge 1 I did!
Judge 2 Ooh!
Judge 1 I did my “silence in court” bit.
Judge 2 Oh.
Judge 1 If looks could have killed, that prosecuting counsel would have been in for thirty years.
Judge 2 Hum-hum!
Judge 1 How did your summing-up go?
Judge 2 Uh, well, I did my box voice, you know, “what the jury must understand”, and they loved it!
Judge 1 Ah.
Judge 2 I could see that little curly-headed foreman of the jury eyeing me!
Judge 1 Really?
Judge 2 Oh, yeah. Cheating devil. I finished up with, I got really strict: “The actions of these vicious men are a violent state upon the community and the four pounds of the law is scarcely sufficient to deal with their ghastly crimes!”
Judge 1 Oh, yeah?
Judge 2 And I waggled me wig! Whoaaoha!
Judge 1 You waggled you what?
Judge 2 I waggled me wig!
Judge 1 Really?
Judge 2 Ah, the only thing I waggled!
Judge 1 Ooh…
Judge 2 Ever so slightly, stood in effect.
Judge 1 Ooh!
Judge 2 Anyway, I gave him three years. Merely took ten minutes.
Judge 1 Ooh…well, as I said to Melvin Belly the other day, you know: “You can put it in the hand of your attorneys, but it’ll never stand up in court!”