Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Scene 24 : Dead Bishop
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 3 sketch 3
and Monty Python Matching Tie and Handkerchief (1973)
and compilations Monty Python’s Instant Record Collection US
Wife Terry Jones
Husband Eric Idle
Narrator Carol Cleveland
Son Graham Chapman
Detective Parson Michael Chapman
Church Police John Cleese and Neil Innes
God Terry Jones
Wife Liberal rubbish! What do you want with your jugged fish, Klaus?
Husband Pardon, my wide-thighed plum?
Wife What do you want with your jugged fish, you clothied git?
Wife The jugged fish is hallibut!
Husband All right. What fish do you have that is not jugged?
Wife Uuh, rabbit.
Husband What, rabbit fish?
Wife Well, it’s all covered in fur.
Husband Well, is it dead?
Wife Well, it was coughing up blood last night.
Husband All right, I’ll have the dead, unjugged rabbit fish.
Narrator One dead, unjugged rabbit fish later.
ONE DEAD UNJUGGED
RABBIT FISH LATER
Wife Oh, you’re always complaining.
Husband What’s for afterwards?
Wife Well, there’s rat pie, rat pudding, rat sorbet or, uh, strawberry tart.
Husband Strawberry tart?
Wife Well, uh, it’s got some rat in it.
Husband How much?
Wife Six. Rather a lot really.
Husband I’ll have a slice without so much rat in it.
Narrator One slice of strawberry tart without so much rat in it later.
ONE SLICE OF STRAWBERRY TART
WITHOUT SO MUCH RAT IN IT LATER
Wife “Moan, moan, moan!”
Son Hello, mom! Hello, dad!
Husband Hello, son!
Son There’s a dead bishop on the landing!
Wife Where…where’s he from?
Son What do you mean?
Wife What’s his diocese?
Son Well, he looked a bit Canterburyish to me.
Husband I’ll go and have a look.
Wife I dunno who’s bringing them here.
Son Well, it’s not me.
Wife I put three out by the trashcans last week and the garbagemen won’t touch them.
Husband It’s the bishop of Leicester!
Wife How do you know?
Husband Tatooed on the back of his neck! I think I’d better call the police!
Wife Should you call the church?
Son Call the church police!
Husband That’s a good idea! The church police!
Detective Parson Hello! What’s all this then? Amen!
Wife Are you the church police?
Church Police Oh, yes!
Wife There’s another dead bishop on the landing, sergeant!
Detective Parson Detective Parson, madam! What is he? R.C. or C of E?
Wife How should I know?
Detective Parson Tatooed on the back of their neck! Here, is that rat tart?
Wife Oh, uh, yes.
Detective Parson Disgusting! Right, men! The hunt is on! Let us kneel in prayer! Oh, Lord!
Church Police Oh, Lord, we beseach thee. Tell us who croaked the Bishop of Leicester.
(Angels’ choir chanting)
God The one in the braces, he done it.
(Angels’ choir chanting)
Husband It’s a fair cop, but society is to blame.
Detective Parson Right, we’ll arrest them instead!
John Cleese: Come on, you! Are you in society? Are you in society?
Wife Ho, ho, ho, ho…
Detective Parson Right, we’d like to conclude this arrest with a hymn.
All things bright and beautiful, all creatures great and small.
All things bright and wonderful…