Series 1, Episode 9: Visitors
VICTOR Graham Chapman
IRIS Carol Cleveland
ARTHUR Eric Idle
BRIAN John Cleese
AUDREY Terry Jones
MR. FREIGHT Terry Gillam
MR. COOK Michael Palin
(Scene opens to a sitting room. Low sexy lighting – ha ha – soft sexy music. On the sofa are Victor and Iris just beginning to make passes at each other.)
Victor: Would you mind terribly if I hold your hand?
Iris: Oh no, no, not at all.
Victor: Oh Iris, you’re so very beautiful.
Iris: Oh, do you really mean that?
Victor: I do, I do, I do. I think… I’m beginning to fall in love with you.
Iris: Oh Victor.
Victor: It’s silly isn’t it?
Iris: No, no, not at all dear sweet Victor.
Victor: No I didn’t mean that. Only just us being so close together for so many months in the soft-toy department and yet never daring to…
Iris: Oh, oh Victor.
Victor: Oh Iris. (they move closer to kiss; just before their lips meet the doorbell goes) Who can that be?
Iris: Oh, well you try and get rid of them.
Victor: Yes I will, I will.
(Victor opens the front door. Arthur Name is standing outside the door.)
Arthur: Remember me?
Victor: No I’m…
Arthur: In the pub. The tall thin one with the moustache, remember? About three years ago?
Victor: No, I don’t I’m afraid.
Arthur: Oh, blimey, it’s dark in here, (switches light on) that’s better. Only you said we must have a drink together sometime, so I thought I’d take you up on it as the film society meeting was cancelled this evening.
Victor: Look, to be frank, it is a little awkward this evening.
Arthur: (stepping in; to Iris) Hello, I’m Arthur. Arthur Name. Name by name
but not by nature. I always say that, don’t I Vicky boy?
Arthur: (to Victor) Is that your wife?
Victor: Er, no, actually.
Arthur: Oh, I get the picture. Eh? Well don’t worry about me Vicky boy, I know all about one-night stands.
Victor: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: Mind if I change the record? (takes the record off)
Victor: Look, look, we put that on.
Arthur: Here’s a good one, I heard it in a pub. What’s brown, what’s brown and sounds like a bell?
Victor: I beg your pardon?
Arthur: What’s brown and sounds like a bell? Dung! Ha, ha, ha, that’s a good one. I like that one, I won’t keep you long. (the gramophone plays the ‘Washington Post March’ very loud) That’s better, now don’t worry about me. I’ll wait here till you’ve finished.
(The doorbell goes again.)
Victor: Who the hell…
Arthur: I’ll get it. It’ll be friends of mine. I took the liberty of inviting them along.
Victor: Look, we were hoping to have a quiet evening on our own.
Arthur: Oh, they won’t mind. They’re very broad-minded. Hello!
(He opens the door; Mr and Mrs Equator walk in and go straight up to Victor.)
Brian: Good evening. My name is Equator, Brian Equator. Like round the middle of the Earth, only with an L. (wheezing laugh) This is my wife Audrey, she smells a bit but she has a heart of gold.
Audrey: Hello, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha…
Victor: There must have been some kind of misunderstanding, because this is not the…
Brian: Who’s that then?
Brian: Who’s the bird?
Brian: You got a nice pair there haven’t you love. (puts hand on Iris’s boobs and gives a wet kiss; Iris screams) Shut up you silly bitch, it was only a bit of fun.
Victor: Now look here …
Brian: Big gin please.
Arthur: I’ll get it.
Victor: (going after Arthur) Look, leave those drinks alone.
Audrey: And three tins of beans for me please.
Brian: I told you to lay off the beans, you whore!
Audrey: I only want three cans.
Brian: Button your lip you rat-bag. (laughs uproariously)
Audrey: (joins in) Ha, ha, ha, ha…
Brian: It was rather witty, wasn’t it? Where’s my gin?
(The doorbell goes.)
Victor: Who the hell’s that?
Brian: Oh, I took the liberty of inviting an old friend along, as his wife has just passed away, and he’s somewhat distraught poor chap. I hope you don’t mind.
Arthur: (opening door) Come on in.
(In walks Mr Freight in underpants, sequins, eye make-up, white wellies, and necklace.)
Mr Freight: Oh? My God, what a simply ghastly place.
Brian: Not too good is it? A pint of crème de menthe for my friend. Well how are you, you great poof? (sits down) Bit lumpy …ah, no wonder, I was sitting on the cat. (throws it into fire)
Iris: Aaaagh! Boo boo hooo.
Mr Freight: I’ve asked along a simply gorgeous little man I picked up outside the Odeon.
Brian: Is he sexy?
(In walks Mr Cook with a goat. Freight kisses him.)
Mr Cook: I had to bring the goat, he’s not well. I only hope he don’t go on the carpet.
Brian: (to Iris) Come on then love, drop ’em.
Iris: Aaaaaaagh! (runs out)
Brian: Blimey, she don’t go much do she.
(He sits in chair which collapses.)
Audrey: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, oooooh! I’ve wet ’em
Mr Cook: The goat’s just done a bundle.
(A group of singers run on, dressed as Welsh miners. All talk at once.)
Victor: Look, get out all of you. Go on. Get out! Get Out!
Brian: I beg your pardon?
Victor: I’m turning you all out. I’m not having my house filled with filthy perverts, now look, I’m giving you just half a minute then I’m going to call the police, so get out.
Brian: I don’t much like the tone of your voice. (shoots him) Right let’s have a ding dong…
All: (singing) Ding dong merrily on high, in Heaven the bells are ringing etc…