Series 1, Episode 13: Albatross
MAN John Cleese
CUSTOMER Terry Jones
FIRST VOICE OVER Eric Idle
SECOND VOICE OVER Terry Gillam
(Cut to corner of cinema. A man in an ice-cream girl’s uniform is standing in a spotlight with an ice-cream tray with an albatross on it.)
Man: Albatross! Albatross! Albatross!
(A cutomer approaches him.)
Customer: Two choc-ices please.
Man: I haven’t got choc-ices. I only got the albatross. Albatross!
Customer: What flavour is it?
Man: It’s a bird, innit. It’s a bloody sea bird . .. it’s not any bloody flavour. Albatross!
Customer: Do you get wafers with it?
Man: Course you don’t get bloody wafers with it. Albatross!
Customer: How much is it?
Customer: I’ll have two please.
Man: Gannet on a stick.
(The camera zooms past back onto the screen. On screen appears another ‘Intermission’ sign.)
First Voice Over: There will now be a very short…
(The intermission sign explodes.)
We now see a series on animated captions:
‘NOW SHOWING AT OTHER DANK CINEMAS’
‘AT THE PORTNOY CINEMA PICCADILLY’
‘WINNER OF THE GOLDEN PALM, TORREMOLINOS’
‘RAINWEAR THROUGH THE AGES’
‘AT THE JODRELL CINEMA, COCKFOSTERS’
Second Voice Over: The management regrets that it will not be showing a feature film this evening as it eats into the profits
(Cut to the Queen on horseback; first few bars of National Anthem. Cut to Customer sitting in cinema seat clutching albatross.)
Customer: Well that’s quite enough of that. And now a policeman near Rottingdeans … Albatross!