Series 2, Episode 21: Registrar (Wife Swap)
REGISTRAR Terry Jones
REFEREE John Cleese
(We see a man coming through a door with a neat little bride in a bridal dress. The man walks up to the registrar who is sitting at his desk with a sign saying ‘Registrar of Marriages ‘.)
Man: Good morning.
Registrar: Good morning.
Man: Are you the registrar?
Registrar: I have that function.
Man: I was here on Saturday, getting married to a blond girl, and I’d like to change please. I’d like to have this one instead please.
Registrar: What do you mean?
Man: Er, well, the other one wasn’t any good, so I’d like to swap it for this one, please. Er, I have paid. I paid on Saturday. Here’s the ticket. (gives him the marriage licence.)
Registrar: Ah, oh, no. That was when you were married.
Man: Er, yes. That was when I was married to the wrong one. I didn’t like the colour. This is the one I want to had;e, so if you could just change the forms round I can take this one back with me now.
Registrar: I can’t do that.
Man: Look, make it simpler, I’ll pay again.
Registrar: No, you can’t do that.
Man: Look, all I want you to do is change the wife, say the words, blah, blab, blah, back to my place, no questions asked.
Registrar: I’m sorry sir, but we’re not allowed to change.
Man: You can at Harrods.
Registrar: You can’t.
Man: You can. I changed my record player and there wasn’t a grumble.
Registrar: It’s different.
Man: And I changed my pet snake, and I changed my Robin Day tie.
Registrar: Well, you can’t change a bloody wife!
Man: Oh, all right! Well, can I borrow one for the weekend.
Man: Oh, blimey, I only wanted a jolly good…
(A whistle blows. A referee runs on, takes his book out and proceeds to take the name of the man in the registry office, amidst protests.)
Referee: All right, break it up. What’s your number, then? All right. Name?
(Cut to the two in the next sketch waiting. Cut back to referee, who finishes booking the man and blows his whistle. The show continues… )