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Series 3, Episode 30: Bus Conductor
The cast:
MR. MAN
Eric Idle
R.S.M.
Graham Chapman
The sketch:
(Sketch continues on from ‘Mary Recruitment Office’ Cut to a bus set. There is a very bad backcloth of ihe interior of the top deck of a bus. It looks like the set for a rather tatty revue. On the cut Mr Man is standing in exactly the same place as he was – so that it looks as if the scene has changed around him. The RSM appears from one side. He is still dressed basically as an RSM but has a few bus conductor’s things such as a ticket machine, money satchel and a big arrow through his neck. He talks like a music-hall comedian.)
RSM: Any more fares please? I’ve got a chauffeur and every time I go to the lavatory he drives me potty! Boom-boom! One in a row (sings) I’m not unusual. I’m just…
Mr Man: Fivepenny please.
RSM: Five beautiful pennies going in to the bag… and you are the lucky winner of… one fivepenny ticket! (hands him a ticket) What’s the Welshman doing under the bed? He’s having a leak! Oh they’re all in here tonight. (brief film dip of audience laughing)
Mr Man: Look!
RSM: I am looking – it’s the only way I keep my eyelids apart! Boom-boom! Every one a Maserati!
Mr Man: Look! You said I was going to be a funny passenger.
RSM: (snapping out of music-hall manner) What do you mean?
Mr Man: I mean, all I said was, fivepenny please, You can’t call that a funny line.
RSM: Well it’s the way you said it.
Mr Man: No it isn’t. Nobody can say ‘fivepenny please’ and make it funny.
(Cut to vox pop of city gent in a busy street.)