Series 3, Episode 30: Pantomime Horse is a Secret Agent Film
GIRL Carol Cleveland
LOONY Graham Chapman
VOICE OVER John Cleese
(James Bond stye opening titles with pictures of a pantomime home.)
THE PANTOMIME HORSE IS A SECRET AGENT FILM.
WRITTEN BY TALBOT ROTHWELL AND MIREILLE MATHIEU.
BASED ON AN IDEA BY EDWARD VII.
DIRECTED BY QUEEN JULIANA OF THE NETHERLANDS.
PRODUCED BY SIR ALEC DOUOLAS-HOME AND KING HAAKON OF NORWAY.
A CORPSE-HAKKON PRODUCTION’.
(Cut to an idyllic scene – a boat drifting serenely on a river. A beautiful girl lies reclining in one end of the boat. A hoof appears round Carol’s shoulders.)
Girl: Oh pantomime horse, that was wonderful. –
Dobbin: Would you like another glass?
Girl: No, no, I mustn’t. It makes me throw up… oh, I’m so bleeding happy.
Dobbin: Oh, Simone!
Girl: Oh, pantomime horse.
(Cut to Graham in loony get up.)
(The pantomime horse spins round and fires his revolver towards some trees overhanging the water. Another pantomime horse falls out of the tree into the water. A third pantomime horse scurries out bin behind a bush and runs off into the undergrowth. Dobbin leaps out of the boat. The girl jumps after him. A car drives out of some bushes on to the road and accelerates away. The pantomime horse is in it. Dobbin and the girl leap into their own expensive sports car and give chase. Shots of exciting chase. After two or three shots of the cars chasing, the two pantomime hones are seen on two tandems, continuing the chase. Cut to them chasing each other on horseback. Cut to them chasing each other on rickshaws. Cut to them chasing each other on foot.)
Voice Over: And now the English pantomime horse has very nearly caught up with the Russian pantomime horse, I think he’s going to take him any moment now but what is this? What is this?
(round the comer are waiting a pantomime goose and a pantomime Princess Margaret; the Russian pantomime horse runs past them and they leap on the English pantomime horse and a fight starts)
Yes it’s pantomime Princess Margaret and the pantomime goose and they’re attacking the English pantomime horse and the Russian pantomime horse has got away. But who is this?
(a car draws up and Terence Rattigan and the Duke of Kent and the RSM run up and join in the fighting; the Russians are joined by Heinz Sielmann and Peter Scott and Jacques Cousteau)
My goodness me it’s the Duke of Kent to the rescue…
(The fighting continues, behind, while the credits roll in front, reading as follows:)
TONY M. NYPHOT’S FLYING RISCCU
SAW CODVENICE, TWITNER
DNA FORDEPERM YB
TORN JERSEY (5.5)
B. B. LURCOO
Voice Over: (German accent) Here you see some English comic actors engaged in a life or death struggle with a rather weak ending. This is typical of the zany madcap world of the irresistible kooky funsters. The English pantomime horse wins and so is assured of a place in British history and a steady job in a merchant bank. Unfortunately, before his pension fights are assured, he catches bronchitis and dies, another victim of the need to finish these shows on time.
(Shot of pantomime horse in bed with his legs sticking in the air.)
CAPTION: ‘ETH NED’