Series 4, Episode 43: Piston Engine (a Bargain)
MRS NON-GORILLA Eric Idle
DOCTOR Graham Chapman
MRS GORILLA Michael Palin
MRS NON-SMOKER Terry Jones
MRS SMOKER Graham Chapman
The sketch:Mrs Non-Robinson (on radio) Morning Mrs Robinson.
Mrs Robinson (on radio) Mornin Mrs Non-Robinson.
Mrs Non-Robinson Been shopping?
Mrs Robinson No, … I’ve been shopping.
During this exchange there have been six cuts to close-ups of radios of different shapes and sizes.
Mrs Non-Robinson What’d you buy?
Pull out to reveal a pepperpot. Mrs Non-Gorilla sitting beside a radio on a park bench.
Mrs Robinson (on radio) A piston engine.
Mrs Non-Robinson What d’you buy that for?
Mrs Robinson It was a bargain.
Mrs Non-Gorilla Bloody rubbish. (she turns the radio off)
Quick cut to a hospital, doctor on a bed listening to a radio. It switches off.
Doctor I wanted to listen to that!
Cut back to Mrs Non-Gorilla. Another pepperpot approaches.
Mrs Non-Gorilla Morning Mrs Gorilla.
Mrs Gorilla Morning Mrs Non-Gorilla.
Mrs Non-Gorilla Have you been shopping?
Mrs Gorilla No … been shopping.
Mrs Non-Gorilla Did you buy anything?
Mrs Gorilla A piston engine!
She reveals a six-cylinder car engine on a white tray, on a trolley.
Mrs Non-Gorilla What d’you buy that for?
Mrs Gorilla Oooh! It was a bargain.
Start to pan away from them, their voices become fainter
Mrs Non-Gorilla Oooohhh!
Pan across a civic park, of which the only occupants are about ten pepperpots, dressed identically, scattered across on benches. One pepperpot is in a wheelchair. We come in to Mrs Non-Smoker, unwrapping a parcel and calling to the birds.
Mrs Non-Smoker Come on little birdies… come on little birdies… tweet tweet… come and see what mummy’s got for you…
She unwraps the parcel revealing a leg of lamb which she hurls at the gathered birds. A screech. She kills a pigeon. She reaches in a another bag and produces two tins of pineapple chunks and throws them.
Mrs Non-Smoker Come on little birdies… tweety tweety… oooh look at this… tweet
tweet… ooohhh nice one… come on little birdies…
She chortles with delight as she hurls a huge jar of mayonnaise which smashes messily. She then throws a large frozen turkey, a jar of onions, a bag of frozen peas, and a bottle of wine. We widen as Mrs Smoker, with an identical piston engine to the last pepperpot, comes up to Mrs Non-Smoker. Quite a large area in front of Mrs Non-Smoker is littered with packaged foods and dead birds; a bird is pecking at a tin of paté; a small pond in front of her has a swan upside down with its feet sticking in the air, a huge tin floating beside it.
Mrs Non-Smoker Oohh hello, Mrs Smoker.
Mrs Smoker Hello Mrs Non-Smoker.
Mrs Non-Smoker What, you been shopping then?
Mrs Smoker Nope … I’ve been shopping!
Mrs Non-Smoker What d’you buy?
Mrs Smoker A piston engine!
Mrs Non-Smoker What d’you buy that for?
Mrs Smoker It was a bargain!
Mrs Non-Smoker How much d’you want for it?
Mrs Smoker Three quid!
Mrs Non-Smoker Done. (she hands over the money)
Mrs Smoker Right. Thank you.
Mrs Non-Smoker How d’you cook it?
Mrs Smoker You don’t cook it.
Mrs Non-Smoker You can’t eat that raw!
Mrs Smoker Ooooh … never thought of that. Oh, day and night, but this is wondrous strange …
Mrs Non-Smoker … and therefore is a stranger welcome it. There are more things in Heaven and Earth Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. But come, the time is out of joint. Oh cursed spite, that ever I was born to set it right. Let’s go together.
They get up and go. Fade to black.