Series 4, Episode 44: Mr. Neutron is Found
VOICE OVER Michael Palin
MRS. SCUM Terry Jones
MR. NEUTRON Graham Chapman
TRAPPER Terry Jones
CAPTAIN CARPENTER Eric Idle
DOG Michael Palin’s Voice
COMMANDER Michael Palin
G.P.O. OFFICIAL Micahel Palin
MAN Eric Idle
The sketch:In the meantime, we have mixed through to Neutron’s suburban sitting room. He is standing in the doorway gazing at something off camera. He holds an envelope which he has just opened and a letter.)
Voice Over: In fact he had fallen in love… with the lady who ‘does’ for Mrs Entrail…
(The camera pans across to a slovenly char in paisley apron, furry slippers and head scarf Throughout this scene we hear the sound of bombers and the distant mulled sound of explosions.)
Mrs Scum: Oh ‘ello Mr N, terrible about Enfield, innit? It’s all gone. So’s Staines … lovely shops they used to have in Staines… and Stunmore, where the AA offices used to be. I don’t know where we’ll pay our AA subscriptions to now. Do you know where we’ll have to pay our AA. subscriptions to now, Mr N?
Mr Neutron: 1 didn’t know you were a member of the AA Mrs S.C.U.M.
Mrs Scum: Oh yes. Ever since the Corsair broke down in Leyonstone… they towed it all the way to Deauville FOC. (Mr Neutron looks blank) Free of Charge. Well my husband Ken, K.E.N., he said…
Mr Neutron: Oh, forget about your husband, Mrs S.C.U.M. – or may I call you Mrs S?
Mrs Scum: You can call me Linda, if you like.
Mr Neutron: No, I’d rather call you Mrs S.
Mrs Scum: Oh…
Mr Neutron: (as if trying to soften the blow) And you can call me Mr N.
Mrs Scum: Well… that’s what I was calling you.
Mr Neutron: Mrs S, there is something I have to tell you…
Mrs Scum: Yes, Mr N?
Mr Neutron: I have just won a Kellogg’s Corn Flake Competition.
Mrs Scum: Oh Mr N! That’s wonderful!
Mr Neutron: I got the ball in exactly the right place· The prize is £5,000 in cash, or as much ice cream as you can eat.
(Her eyes go round as saucers and all thoughts of returning to her marital bed vanish under the impact of such imminent wealth.)
Mrs Scum: £5,000!
Mr Neutron: I was thinking of taking the ice cream.
Mrs Scum: (alarmed) Oh no!
Mr Neutron: It’s been so hot recently.
Mrs Scum: You couldn’t eat that much ice cream Mr N.
Mr Neutron: Mrs S, I can eat enormous quantifies of ice cream without being sick.
Mrs Scum: Oh no! Take the £5,000! Please take the £5,000.
Mr Neutron: I was thinking. If we got married…
Mrs Scum: Oh yes! (she sits very close to him)
Mr Neutron: We could use the £5,000 to buy a spoon…
Mrs Scum: Oh! We could buy a lot more than that!
Mr Neutron: And then fill up with ice cream.
Mrs Scum: Not Forget about the ice cream. We need the money.
Mr Neutron: We need nothing. For there is something I have not told you Mrs S.C.U.M.
Mrs Scum: Oh please call me Mrs S.
Mr Neutron: No I would rather go back to calling you Mrs S.C.U.M., Mrs S.C.U.M. I am the most powerful man in the universe. There is nothing I cannot do.
Mrs Scum: Oh Mr N.
Mr Neutron: I want you to be my helpmate. As Tarzan had his Jane, as Napoleon had his Josephine, as Frankie Laine had whoever he had, I want you to help me in my plan to dominate the world!
Mrs Scum: Oh Mr N. That I should be so luckyl
Mr Neutron: You’re not Jewish are you?
(Cut back to the Yukon. The trapper, Captain Carpenter and the dog are still sitting round the dying campfire aver the remains of supper. They are all looking a little bit bored. The dog has obviously been telling long reminiscences.)
Dog: Another time when I was in Cairo, I was disguised as a water hydrant. The whole top part of my head had been removed and…
Carpenter: Please, Mr Salad …. you must tell us where Neutron is.
Dog: And I functioned! D’you hear? I really worked. I could put out a fire.
Carpenter: Please, Mr Salad…
Dog: Mind you, it hurt a bit…
Carpenter: Please, Mr Salad – there isn’t much time. Where will we find Neutron?
Dog: OK. Give me another meatball and I’ll tell you.
(Carpenter grabs a meatball and throws it down for the dog. The dog wolfs it. Carpenter and Trapper exchange glances. Carpenter bends nearer the dog. The dog finishes the meatball with much slurping. Carpenter crouches beside him patiently.)
Dog: OK listen carefully… I won’t repeat this. You understand?
Carpenter: Yes yes – quick.
Dog: I know where Neutron is fight now. I know the exact address and the exact house and the exact road…
Carpenter: OK where is he?
Dog: He’s not in America…
Dog: He’s not in… Asia!
Dog: He’s not in.., Australia!
Dog: He’s in… Europe!
Dog: And you wanna know where in Europe?
Dog: OK. OK, I’ll tell you. He’s in England… In London… at Number 19…
(A sudden explosion completely engulfs them. Cut to the supreme commander’s office. He is still nude and has an enormous display of talcs and powders on his desk. He is talkng to the intercom.)
Commander: OK. That’s the Yukon – what’s left?
Voice Only: Ruislip, the Gobi Desert, and your office, sir.
Commander: OK! Let’s start with my office. (a big explosion)
(Cut to the Gobi Desert. Sweltering heat. We come onto a group opening a GPO box. There is a line of boxes stretching into the distance as far as the eye can see. Arabic is being spoken by the GPO official.)
GPO Official: Ankwat i odr inkerat Gobi Desert Ulverston Road…
SUBTITLE: ‘THIS NEW BOX COMPLETES THE ENCIRCLEMENT OF THE GOBI DESERT’
GPO Official: Ik artwar, hyaddin… (etc.)
SUBTITLE; ‘THE POST OFFICE IS NOW IN A POSITION TO ACHIEVE COMPLETE WORLD DOMINATION’
(A terrific explosion. Cut to Neutron and Mrs Scum.)
Mr Neutron: I will take you away from all this Mrs S.C.U.M.
Mrs Scum: Oh, Mr N… I’d follow you anywhere.
Mr Neutron: We will have two weeks in Benidorm.
Mrs Scum: Oh yes … yes.
Mr Neutron: And I will make you the most beautiful woman in the world.
(He stretches out his hands towards her. His piercing eyes narrow in concentration. There is a flash, a jump cut, and Mrs S stands before him as dumpy and unattractive as ever, but in a brand new C & A twin set and pearls, a nice new handbag, and a rather fussy hat.)
Mrs Scum: Oh… it’s beautiful… oh, Mr N, you have made my heart sing… (quick cut to stock film of bomber then back to Mrs Scum) Late in life’s pageant it may be … but you have made roses bloom anew for me… (quick flash of bomber then back to Mrs Scum) Life’s rich harvest is being…
Mr Neutron: Shut up, Mrs S. We must hurry…
(He takes her hand and pulls her away.)
Mrs Scum: I’d better leave a note for Ken… he’ll be expecting us…
(ANIMATION: the world destroyed and burning.)
Voice Over: Has Mr Neutron escaped in time? Is the world utterly destroyed? How can Mr Neutron and his child bride survive? Will his mighty powers be of any avail against the holocaust? Stay tuned to this channel.
(Cut to a man in a grey suit in a studio.)
Man: Hello. Well in fact what happens is that they are saved by Mr Neutron’s mighty powers just as the last bomb falls on Ruislip.
SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘A MAN FROM THE “RADIO TIMES”‘
Man: However, the Earth has been blown off its axis, and in a most dramatic and dangerous and expensive sequence, it spins off into space. There are appallingly expensive scenes of devastation and horror and the final incredibly expensive climax is reached as thousands of ape monsters in very expensive costumes descend from the sky onto these, plug up a whole city which has to be specially built and fling them all into the sea very expensively. And we can see those very expensive scenes right now. (the credits start on his TV set) Just after the credits have gone through… incidentally, these are going to be the most expensive and lavish scenes ever filmed by the BBC in conjunction with Time-Life of course … these are some of the technical people who have been involved in filming these very expensive scenes, expensive sound, expensive visual effects there, expensive production assistant, expensive designer… cheap director. Well you can see those expensive scenes right now.
CAPTION: ‘THE END’