Hasta Davis-ta Baby
At this writing we don’t know if Swartzenegger has won the election for Governor of California or if the recall was successful or not. However, we have obtained his manifesto for ruling California (the 4th Reich) and here are some highlights:
Arnold Schwartzenegger’s Workout Plan for California
- Pledges to work one of his movie titles or catchphrases into every press release or public statement.
- Says he can’t “Totally Recall” all groping incidents but offers “True Lies” about what really happened and denies British Stewardess had his “Twins”
- Naked posedown competition to replace debate format with California House of Reps.
- Promises to only name hot hard-bodies to California judgeships.
- Pledges creation of mandatory “Concentration Fun-Parks” with work-out programs for obese Californians.
- Announces creation of thousands of new jobs in the “Concentration Fun-Park Lampshade and Soap Factories” using park by-products.
- State food stamps can now be used to purchase steroids and Nutra-cal.
- Will equally distribute gropes to fat and ugly chicks as well as foxy ones.
- Free bikini waxes for illegal immigrants.
- Promises to repair any future earthquake damage with his super-human strength.
- Vows to increase wife Maria’s IV drip to lessen the gaunt, skeletal grimace on her bony face.
- Will now responsibly practice safe sex in any future body-builder/groupie gangbangs.
- New informality for Gov.’s staff; speedos instead of suits and ties.
- Promises to personally kick the shit out of Ben Affleck after the election, win or lose. Not because he has anything to do with the election, he’s just irritating.
- Denies he stated admiration for Hitler, claims he only said he likes Fascist dictators and genocidal maniacs in general.
- Promises to shave Adriana Huffington’s ass and make her walk backwards.
- Derides Bustamante’s campaign: “You don’t want some flabby girlie man wet-back for Governor.”
- After public outcry from Hispanic Community says he misspoke: meant to say “beaner”.
- Picks up California Bean Producers endorsement.
- Pledges to publically “take it up the ass like a man” to make up for past anti-gay remarks, plus “name some big fag to a really cushy government job.”
- Names Hans and Franz “official schtick of California”.
- Free buzzcuts and swastika tattoos for the kiddies
- Will offer to cheaply rent the gap in his front teeth to California homeless.
- Says he will “Terminate” the California deficit, or at least offer a new play on his movie titles about it every week.
- In deference to the sensitivity of California residents rendered homeless by seasonal mudslides; frozen Kahlúa, cream and vodka will now be known as a “Panty Remover”.
- Every press conference with 25 minute pec flexing display.
- Followed by demonstration of how to break pencils with your gluts.
- Offered to not give McClintock super atomic death wedgie if he drops out of Governor’s race.
- Pledges surgery to correct his bizarre ‘figure 8’ smile to a more familiar ‘sideways D’ most Americans are comfortable with.
- Agrees to publically “pimp-slap Gray Davis daily like the little bitch he is.”
- Won’t torture and kill anymore small children for sport- wait, has that allegation come out yet? Never mind that one.
- Will name Dee Snider to newly created cabinet post of “Freaky Looking 7 foot Tall Ex-Metalhead Vocalist Affairs.”
- Also will have “We’re not Gonna Take It” played instead of the national anthem at all sports competitions and replacing Wedding March at all marriages in California.
- Makes reasonable argument “if Clinton is campaigning against me, I must not be all that bad.”
- Medicare will now cover bruises and contusions from “body-builder grope syndrome”.
- Will call a moratorium on lame “list” type features like this in humor sites and columns.
- Will replace after-school health and fitness workouts with a program of ridicule and beatings for fatties.
- Promises to pass law forcing LA Times to be printed on softer paper to reduce incidence of Californians chafing their asses.
- All liberal pinko Hollywood Stars will have to stfu and make movies, sing, do their jobs etc. and give up the political demogoging and enviromental preaching that we all know and love.
- Pledges to throw Gray Davis as far into the Pacific as he can for charity.
- Promises to pass programs and raise funds “for the children”.
- Promises to lower taxes and raise hemlines.
- Vows to back revival of “Promises, Promises” (ba dum dum)
- From the Gray Davis camp: Arnold promises to alleviate stray animal problem by feeding helpless puppies and kittens to his pet pirannas.
- Will throw out t-shirts and autographed posters to ghetto kids as part of his program to improve life in the ‘inner cities’.
- Declares Nevada is historically and culturally part of California and must be annexed to free the Californians oppressed there.