Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 19 : Knights Who No Longer Say ‘Nih!’
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ARTHUR: O Knights of Nih, we have brought you your shrubbery. May we go now?
HEAD KNIGHT: It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly,… but there is one small problem.
ARTHUR: What is that?
HEAD KNIGHT: We are now… no longer the Knights Who Say ‘Nih’.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Nih! Shh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Shh! We are now the Knights Who Say ‘Ecky- ecky- ecky- ecky- pikang- zoop- boing- goodem- zoo- owli- zhiv’.
RANDOM: Nih!
HEAD KNIGHT: Therefore, we must give you a test.
ARTHUR: What is this test, O Knights of– knights who till recently said ‘nih’?
HEAD KNIGHT: Firstly, you must find… another shrubbery!
[dramatic chord]
ARTHUR: Not another shrubbery!
RANDOM: Nih!
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get the two-level effect with a little path running down the middle.
KNIGHTS OF NI: A path! A path! A path! Nih! Shh! Nih! Nih! Nih! Shh! Shh!…
HEAD KNIGHT: Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest… with… a herring!
[dramatic chord]
KNIGHTS OF NI: A herring!
ARTHUR: We shall do no such thing!
HEAD KNIGHT: Oh, please!
ARTHUR: Cut down a tree with a herring? It can’t be done.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh! Aaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Augh! Ohh! Don’t say that word.
ARTHUR: What word?
HEAD KNIGHT: I cannot tell, suffice to say is one of the words the Knights of Ni cannot hear.
ARTHUR: How can we not say the word if you don’t tell us what it is?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: You said it again!
ARTHUR: What, ‘is’?
KNIGHTS OF NI: Agh! No, not ‘is’.
HEAD KNIGHT: No, not ‘is’. You wouldn’t get vary far in life not saying ‘is’.
KNIGHTS OF NI: No, not ‘is’. Not ‘is’.
BEDEVERE: My liege, it’s Sir Robin!
MINSTREL: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering up
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.
ARTHUR: Sir Robin!
ROBIN: My liege! It’s good to see you.
HEAD KNIGHT: Now he’s said the word!
ARTHUR: Surely you’ve not given up your quest for the Holy Grail?
MINSTREL: [singing] He is sneaking away and buggering up–
ROBIN: Shut up! No, no. No. Far from it.
HEAD KNIGHT: He said the word again!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: I was looking for it.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
ROBIN: Uh, here– here in this forest.
ARTHUR: No, it is far from this place.
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!
HEAD KNIGHT: Aaaaugh! Stop saying the word! The word…
ARTHUR: Oh, stop it!
HEAD KNIGHT: …we cannot hear! Ow! He said it again!
ARTHUR: Patsy!
HEAD KNIGHT: Wait! I said it! I said it!
[clop clop clop]
Ooh! I said it again! And there again! That’s three ‘it’s! Ohh!
KNIGHTS OF NI: Aaaaugh!…