Monty Python’s And Now For Something Completely Different
Scene 3: Hungarian Phrasebook
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(Set: A tobacconist’s shop.)
Text on screen: In 1970, the British Empire lay in ruins, and foreign nationalists frequented the streets – many of them Hungarians (not the streets – the foreign nationals). Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist’s shops to buy cigarettes….
A Hungarian tourist approaches the clerk. The tourist is reading haltingly from a phrase book.
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
Clerk: Uh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist’s.
Hungarian: Ah! I will not buy this tobacconist’s, it is scratched.
Clerk: No, no, no, no. Tobacco…um…cigarettes (holds up a pack).
Hungarian: Ya! See-gar-ets! Ya! Uh…My hovercraft is full of eels.
Clerk: Sorry?
Hungarian: My hovercraft (pantomimes puffing a cigarette)…is full of eels
(pretends to strike a match).
Clerk: Ahh, matches!
Hungarian: Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya! Do you waaaaant…do you waaaaaant…to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Clerk: Here, I don’t think you’re using that thing right.
Hungarian: You great poof.
Clerk: That’ll be six and six, please.
Hungarian: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I…I am no longer infected.
Clerk: Uh, may I, uh…(takes phrase book, flips through it)…Costs six and six…ah, here we are. (speaks weird Hungarian-sounding words)
Hungarian punches the clerk.
Meanwhile, a policeman on a quiet street cups his ear as if hearing a cry of distress. He sprints for many blocks and finally enters the tobacconist’s.
Cop: What’s going on here then?
Hungarian: Ah. You have beautiful thighs.
Cop: (looks down at himself) WHAT?!?
Clerk: He hit me!
Hungarian: Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait ’til lunchtime. (points at clerk)
Cop: RIGHT!!! (drags Hungarian away by the arm)
Hungarian: (indignantly) My nipples explode with delight!
(scene switches to a courtroom. Characters are all in powdered wigs and judicial robes, except publisher and cop.
Voice over (John Cleese): The Hungarian gentleman was subsequently released, but it was his information that led to the arrest and trial of the real culprit.
Bailiff: (to publisher) You are Alexander Yalt?
Publisher: I am.
Bailiff: You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May, 1970, you did willfully, unlawfully, and with malice aforethought, publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Publisher: Not guilty.
Bailiff: Mr. Yalt, on the 28th of May, you published this phrase book.
Publisher: I did.
Bailiff: With your lordship’s permission I would like to quote an example. The Hungarian phrase meaning “Can you direct me to the station?” is translated by the English phrase, “Please fondle my buttocks.”
(He glares accusingly at Yahlt.)
(Another Hungarian gentleman approaches an upper-class twit on the street.)
Other Hungarian: (reading from book) Pleease foondle my buttocks.
Twit (Graham Chapman): Ah yes, it’s past the post office, 200 yards down, and then left at the light.
(He indicates)
(Animation of Hungarian walking up a hill and coming to a light.)
Hungarian: Hmmm…. left at lights… ah…
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(He walks off and the light follows him. Hold on same scene as pastoral music plays and hands rise up through crevices in the hills. They grow leaves and become trees. Other hands fly in as geese, and a cowboy rides in on a hand and lassos the next scene, which turns out to be an old man shaving. He carefully applies shaving cream over his face, and finally over his entire head, which he then shaves off,his headless body dropping to the floor.)
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(“Sunny Motel: Vacancy.” An animated, flimsy-looking bunch of buildings. Zoom in on one in particular.)
Voice over: Meanwhile, not far away, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewty were were about to enter an unfamiliar office.