Monty Python & the Holy Grail
Scene 10 : Sir Robin and the Three-Headed Knight
The Tale of Sir Robin. So, each of the knights went their separate ways. Sir Robin rode north, through the dark forest of Ewing, accompanied by his favourite minstrels.
Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen–
SIR ROBIN: That’s– that’s, uh– that’s enough music for now, lads. Heh. Looks like there’s dirty work afoot.
DENNIS: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving freedom.
WOMAN: Oh, Dennis, forget about freedom. We haven’t got enough mud.
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?
MINSTREL: [singing] He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who–
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, n– n– n– nobody, really. I’m j– j– j– ju– just, um– just passing through.
ALL HEADS: What do you want?
MINSTREL: [singing] To fight and–
ROBIN: Shut up! Um, oo, a– nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh– j– j– just– just to, um– just to p– pass through, good Sir Knight.
ALL HEADS: I’m afraid not!
ROBIN: Ah. W– well, actually I– I am a Knight of the Round Table.
ALL HEADS: You’re a Knight of the Round Table?
ROBIN: I am.
LEFT HEAD: In that case, I shall have to kill you.
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don’t think so.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, let’s be nice to him.
LEFT HEAD: Oh, shut up.
ROBIN: Perhaps I could–
LEFT HEAD: And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favour!
LEFT HEAD: What?
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.
MIDDLE HEAD: You’re lucky. You’re not next to him.
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore!
LEFT HEAD: Oh, I don’t. Anyway, you’ve got bad breath.
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, it’s only because you don’t brush my teeth.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, stop bitching and let’s go have tea.
LEFT HEAD: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We’ll kill him first and then have tea and biscuits.
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, not biscuits.
LEFT HEAD: All right. All right, not biscuits, but let’s kill him anyway.
ALL HEADS: Right!
MIDDLE HEAD: He buggered off.
RIGHT HEAD: So he has. He’s scarpered.
Brave Sir Robin ran away,
Bravely ran away, away.
ROBIN: I didn’t!
When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
ROBIN: I didn’t!
MINSTREL: [singing] And gallantly, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,
ROBIN: I never did!
MINSTREL: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat,
ROBIN: All lies!
MINSTREL: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin.
ROBIN: I never!