Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 15: Guards Search Matthias’ House
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REG: Daniel.
LORETTA: Daniel.
FRANCIS: Job.
REG: Job.
LORETTA: Job.
FRANCIS: Joshua.
REG: Joshua.
LORETTA: Joshua.
FRANCIS: Judges.
REG: Judges.
LORETTA: Judges.
FRANCIS: And Brian.
REG: And Brian.
LORETTA: And Brian.
REG: I now propose that all seven of these ex-brothers be now entered in the minutes as probationary martyrs to the cause.
LORETTA: I second that, Reg.
REG: Thank you, Loretta. On the nod. Siblings!
[thump]
Let us not be down-hearted. One total catastrophe like this is just the beginning! Their glorious deaths shall unite us all in a–
MATTHIAS: Look out!
BRIAN: Hello? Matthias! Reg!
REG: Go away!
BRIAN: Hm? Reg, it’s me, Brian!
REG: Get off! Get off out of it!
BRIAN: Stan!
LORETTA: Piss off.
COMMANDO: Yeah, piss off!
REG: Bugger off.
[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]
Ohh,…
[bam bam bam bam bam]
…shit!
[bam]
BRIAN: Uhh.
MATTHIAS: Coming!
[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]
[bam bam bam bam bam bam]
BORING PROPHET: Yea, verily, at that time, it is written in the book of Obadiah. A man shall strike his donkey and his nephew’s donkey and anyone…
[crack]
…in the vicinity…
[creak crack]
…of his nephew or the donkey.
MATTHIAS: My eyes are dim. I cannot see.
CENTURION: Are you Matthias?
MATTHIAS: Yes.
CENTURION: We have reason to believe you may be hiding one Brian of Nazareth, a member of the terrorist organisation, the ‘People’s Front of Judea’.
MATTHIAS: Me? No. I’m just a poor old man. I have no time for law-breakers. My legs are grey. My ears are gnarled. My eyes are old and bent.
CENTURION: Quiet! Silly person. Guards! Search the house.
[clomp clomp clomp…]
You know the penalty laid down by Roman law for harbouring a known criminal?
MATTHIAS: No.
CENTURION: Crucifixion.
MATTHIAS: Oh.
CENTURION: Nasty, eh?
MATTHIAS: Hm. Could be worse.
CENTURION: What do you mean, ‘could be worse’?
MATTHIAS: Well, you could be stabbed.
CENTURION: Stabbed? Takes a second. Crucifixion lasts hours! It’s a slow, horrible death!
MATTHIAS: Well, at least it gets you out in the open air.
CENTURION: You’re weird.
[clomp clomp clomp…]
SERGEANT: No, sir. Couldn’t find anything, sir.
CENTURION: But don’t worry! You’ve not seen the last of us, weirdo.
MATTHIAS: Big Nose.
CENTURION: Watch it.
MATTHIAS: Phew, that was lucky.
BRIAN: I’m sorry, Reg.
REG: Ohhh, it’s all right, siblings. He’s sorry. He’s sorry he led the Fifth Legion straight to our official headquarters. Well, that’s all right, then, Brian. Sit down. Have a scone. Make yourself at home. You klutz! You stupid, bird-brained, flat-headed–
[bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam]
[creak crack]
BORING PROPHET: …this great, big, juicy melon behind.
[bam bam bam bam bam bam]
MATTHIAS: My legs are old and bent. My ears are grizzled. Yes?
CENTURION: There’s one place we didn’t look. Guards!
MATTHIAS: I’m just a poor old man.
[clomp clomp clomp…]
My eyesight is bad. My eyes are poor. My nose is knackered.
CENTURION: Have you ever seen anyone crucified?
MATTHIAS: Crucifixion’s a doddle.
CENTURION: Don’t keep saying that.
[clomp clomp clomp…]
SERGEANT: Found this spoon, sir.
CENTURION: Well done, Sergeant! We’ll be back, oddball.
[bam bam bam bam bam]
Open up!
MATTHIAS: You haven’t given us time to hide.
[crack crack]
BRIAN: Aaaaah!