Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 16: Brian the Prophet
BORING PROPHET: …The nephew or the donkey.
[clap clap clap]
FALSE PROPHET: …And, a nine-bladed sword, which he shall strike…
BLOOD and THUNDER PROPHET: …Time when we all come together, and go…
PROPHET IN WHITE: …And holes for the…
PROPHET IN BLACK: …Jumbo jets…
PROPHET IN WHITE: …every bitch how you got germs from…
PROPHET IN BLACK: …fly up near the…
BRIAN: Don’t you, eh, pass judgment on other people, or you might get judged yourself.
BRIAN: I said, ‘Don’t pass judgment on other people, or else you might get judged, too.’
COLIN: Who, me?
COLIN: Oh. Ooh. Thank you very much.
BRIAN: Well, not just you. All of you.
DENNIS: That’s a nice gourd.
DENNIS: How much do you want for the gourd?
BRIAN: I don’t. You can have it.
DENNIS: Have it?
BRIAN: Yes. Consider the lilies…
DENNIS: Eh, d– d– don’t you want to haggle?
BRIAN: No. …in the field.
DENNIS: What’s wrong with it, then?
BRIAN: Nothing. Take it.
ELSIE: Consider the lilies?
BRIAN: Uh, well, the birds, then.
EDDIE: What birds?
BRIAN: Any birds.
BRIAN: Well, have they got jobs?
BRIAN: The birds.
EDDIE: Have the birds got jobs?!
FRANK: What’s the matter with him?
ARTHUR: He says the birds are scrounging.
BRIAN: Oh, uhh, no, the point is the birds. They do all right. Don’t they?
FRANK: Well, good luck to ’em.
EDDIE: Yeah. They’re very pretty.
BRIAN: Okay, and you’re much more important than they are, right? So, what are you worrying about? There you are. See?
EDDIE: I’m worrying about what you have got against birds.
BRIAN: I haven’t got anything against the birds. Consider the lilies.
ARTHUR: He’s having a go at the flowers now.
EDDIE: Oh, give the flowers a chance.
DENNIS: I’ll give you one for it.
BRIAN: It’s yours.
DENNIS: Two, then.
BRIAN: Ohh. Look. There was this man, and he had two servants.
ARTHUR: What were they called?
ARTHUR: What were their names?
BRIAN: I don’t know. And he gave them some talents.
EDDIE: You don’t know?!
BRIAN: Well, it doesn’t matter!
ARTHUR: He doesn’t know what they were called!
BRIAN: Oh, they were called ‘Simon’ and ‘Adrian’. Now–
ARTHUR: Oh! You said you didn’t know!
BRIAN: It really doesn’t matter. The point is there were these two servants–
ARTHUR: He’s making it up as he goes along.
BRIAN: No, I’m not! …And he gave them some ta– Wait a minute. Were there three?
EDDIE: Oh, he’s terrible!
ARTHUR: He’s terrible.
BRIAN: There were three.
BRIAN: They were– they were st– stewards, really.
ELSIE: Aww, get off!
BRIAN: Ooh! Eh, uh, b– b– now– now hear this! Blessed are they…
BRIAN: …who convert their neighbour’s ox, for they shall inhibit their girth,…
BRIAN: …and to them only shall be given– to them only… shall… be… given…
ELSIE: Shall be given what?
BRIAN: Oh, nothing.
ELSIE: Hey! What were you going to say?
ARTHUR and FRANK: Yes, you were.
ELSIE: Yes. You were going to say something.
BRIAN: No, I wasn’t. I’d finished.
ELSIE: Oh, no you weren’t.
ARTHUR: Oh, come on. Tell us before you go.
BRIAN: I wasn’t going to say anything. I’d finished.
ELSIE: No, you hadn’t.
BLIND MAN: What won’t he tell?
EDDIE: He won’t say.
BLIND MAN: Is it a secret?
BLIND MAN: Is it?
EDDIE: Must be. Otherwise, he’d tell us.
ARTHUR: Oh, tell us the secret.
BRIAN: Leave me alone.
YOUTH: What is this secret?
GIRL: Is it the secret of eternal life?
EDDIE: He won’t say!
ARTHUR: Well, of course not. If I knew the secret of eternal life, I wouldn’t say.
BRIAN: Leave me alone.
GIRL: Just tell me, please.
ARTHUR: No. Tell us, Master. We were here first.
GIRL: Just tell–
BRIAN: Go away!
GIRL: Tell us, Master.
DENNIS: I can’t go above five.
GIRL: Tell– Is that His gourd?
YOUTH: We’ve got this here.
DENNIS: Yeah, but it’s under offer.
GIRL: This is His gourd!
GIRL: It is His gourd! We will carry it for you, Master! Master?
YOUTH: He’s gone! He’s been taken up!
FOLLOWERS: For He’s been taken up!
ARTHUR: No, there He is. Over there.
FOLLOWERS: Oh, yeah. Master! Master!…
[FOLLOWERS chase BRIAN]