Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 19: ‘You’re all individuals!’
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[cock-a-doodle-doo]
FOLLOWERS: Look! There he is! The Chosen One has woken!
[slam]
[bam bam bam bam]
MANDY: Brian!
[bam bam bam bam bam]
BRIAN: Huuh. Hooh. Ooh! Mother. Ooh. Ha–
MANDY: Brian!
BRIAN: Hang on, mother! Shhh.
[clllunk]
Hello, mother.
MANDY: Don’t you ‘hello mother’ me. What are all those people doing out there?!
BRIAN: Oh. Well– well, I, uh–
MANDY: Come on! What have you been up to, my lad?!
BRIAN: Well, uh, I think they must have popped by for something.
MANDY: ‘Popped by’?! ‘Swarmed by’, more like! There’s a multitude out there!
BRIAN: Mm, they– they started following me yesterday.
MANDY: Well, they can stop following you right now. Now, stop following my son! You ought to be ashamed of yourselves.
FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
MANDY: The who?
FOLLOWERS: The Messiah!
MANDY: Huh, there’s no Messiah in here. There’s a mess, all right, but no Messiah. Now, go away!
FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian!
MANDY: Right, my lad. What have you been up to?
BRIAN: Nothing, Mum. Um–
MANDY: Come on. Out with it.
BRIAN: Well, they think I’m the Messiah, Mum.
[smack]
MANDY: Now, what have you been telling them?
BRIAN: Nothing! I only–
MANDY: You’re only making it worse for yourself.
BRIAN: Look! I can explain! I–
[smack]
JUDITH: No! Let me explain, Mrs. Cohen!
MANDY: Who–
JUDITH: Your son is a born leader. Those people out there are following him because they believe in him, Mrs. Cohen. They believe he can give them hope– hope of a new life, a new world, a better future!
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MANDY: Who’s that?!
BRIAN: Oh! That’s… Judith, Mum. Judith. Mother. Hmm.
[smack]
Aaaah!
FOLLOWERS: The Messiah! The Messiah!
MANDY: Ooooh.
FOLLOWERS: Show us the Messiah! The Messiah! The Messiah! Show us the Messiah!
MANDY: Now, you listen here! He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy! Now, go away!
FOLLOWERS: Who are you?!
MANDY: I’m his mother. That’s who.
FOLLOWERS: Behold His mother! Behold His mother! Hail to thee, mother of Brian! Blessed art thou, Hosanna! All praise to thee, now and always!
MANDY: Ohhh, now, don’t think you can get around me like that. He’s not coming out, and that’s my final word. Now, shove off!
FOLLOWERS: No!
MANDY: Did you hear what I said?
FOLLOWERS: Yes!
MANDY: Oh, I see. It– it’s like that, is it?
FOLLOWERS: Yes!
MANDY: Ohh. Oh, all right, then. You can see him for one minute, but not one second more. Do you understand?
FOLLOWERS: Yes.
MANDY: Promise?
FOLLOWERS: Well, all right.
MANDY: All right. Here he is, then. Come on, Brian. Come and talk to them.
BRIAN: But, Mum. Judith.
MANDY: Now, leave that Welsh tart alone.
BRIAN: But I don’t really want to, Mum.
FOLLOWERS: Brian! Brian! Brian!…
BRIAN: Good morning.
FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing! A blessing!…
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BRIAN: No. No, please! Please! Please listen. I’ve got one or two things to say.
FOLLOWERS: Tell us. Tell us both of them.
BRIAN: Look. You’ve got it all wrong. You don’t need to follow me. You don’t need to follow anybody! You’ve got to think for yourselves. You’re all individuals!
FOLLOWERS: Yes, we’re all individuals!
BRIAN: You’re all different!
FOLLOWERS: Yes, we are all different!
DENNIS: I’m not.
ARTHUR: Shhhh.
FOLLOWERS: Shh. Shhhh. Shhh.
BRIAN: You’ve all got to work it out for yourselves!
FOLLOWERS: Yes! We’ve got to work it out for ourselves!
BRIAN: Exactly!
FOLLOWERS: Tell us more!
BRIAN: No! That’s the point! Don’t let anyone tell you what to do! Otherwise– Ow! No!
MANDY: Come on, Brian. That’s enough. That’s enough.
FOLLOWERS: Oooooh. That wasn’t a minute!
MANDY: Oh, yes, it was.
FOLLOWERS: Oh, no, it wasn’t!
MANDY: Now, stop that, and go away!
YOUTH: Excuse me.
MANDY: Yes?
YOUTH: Are you a virgin?
MANDY: I beg your pardon!
YOUTH: Well, if it’s not a personal question, are you a virgin?
MANDY: ‘If it’s not a personal question’? How much more personal can you get? Now, piss off!
[slam]
YOUTH: She is.
FOLLOWERS: Yeah. Must be. She is. Definitely…
CROWD: Ooh. Oh! Oooh…
[clunk]
REG: ‘Morning, Saviour.
CROWD: [yelling]
WOMAN: Lay Your hands on me. Quick!
FRANCIS: Now, don’t jostle the Chosen One, please.
BABY: [crying]
REG: Don’t push that baby in the Saviour’s face. You’ve got till later.
GREGORY: I say. I say, could He just see my wife? She has a headache.
REG: She’ll have to wait, I’m afraid.
GREGORY: It’s very bad, and we’ve got a luncheon appointment.
REG: Look, the lepers are queuing.
GREGORY: Her brother-in-law is the ex-mayor of Gath, you know.
REG: Uh, Brian, can I introduce the gentleman who’s letting us have the Mounts on Sunday?
MR. PAPADOPOULOS: Hello.
FRANCIS: Don’t push!
REG: And keep the noise down, please! Those possessed by devils, try and keep them under control a bit, can’t you? Incurables, you’ll just have to wait for a few minutes.
MAN: Will he endorse fish?
REG: Ahh, you’ll have to speak to your sibling Francis about endorsements. Now don’t–
FRANCIS: Line up along there. Now get ‘em in two rows, Reg. Ahh–
OTTO: Hail, Leader!
BRIAN: What?
OTTO: Oh, I– I’m so sorry. Have you see ze new Leader?
BRIAN: The what?
OTTO: The new Leader. I– I wish to find him and hail him. Hail, Leader. See?
BRIAN: Who are you?
OTTO: Uh, my name is… Otto.
BRIAN: Oh. Otto.
OTTO: Yes.
BRIAN: Well, I’m not sure, but I–
OTTO: Oh, I grow so impatient, you know. To see the Leader that has been promised our people for centuries. The Leader who will save Israel by ridding it of the scum of non-Jewish people, [sniff] making it pure! No foreigners; no riff-raff; no gypsies.
BRIAN: Shh! Otto!
OTTO: What? The Leader? Hail Leader!
BRIAN: No, no; it’s dangerous.
OTTO: Oh. Danger? There’s no danger. Men!
[drum march]
Impressive, eh?
BRIAN: Yes.
OTTO: Oh, yes! We are a thoroughly trained suicide squad.
BRIAN: Oh.
OTTO: Oh, yes! We can commit suicide within twenty seconds.
BRIAN: Twenty seconds?
OTTO: You don’t believe me?
BRIAN: Yes.
OTTO: I think you question me.
BRIAN: No, no, no.
OTTO: I can see you do not believe me.
BRIAN: No, no. I do.
OTTO: Enough! I’ll prove it to you. Squad!
JUDEAN PEOPLE’S FRONT: Hail, Leader!
OTTO: Commit… suicide! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One! Two. Three. One!
J.P.F.: [groaning]
OTTO: See?
BRIAN: Yes.
OTTO: I think now you’ll believe me. Yes?
BRIAN: Yes. Very impressive.
OTTO: I think now I prove it to you, huh?
BRIAN: Yes.
OTTO: All dead.
BRIAN: Ye–
OTTO: Not one living. He’s dead… and he’s dead. See? I tread on him. He’s dead… and he’s dead… and he’s dead. They’re all dead. All dead good Jewish boys. No foreigners! But their names will live forever! Helmut, Johnny,… the little guy,… the– er– the other fat one. Their names will live eventually forever.
[sniff]
RANDOM: [p-p-p-p-p]
RANDOM: [p-p-p-p]
OTTO: Wait a minute.
[sniff]
There’s somebody here who’s not dead. There’s somebody here who is only pretending to be dead. Stand up, you.
RANDOM: Oow!
RANDOM: A-ha.
OTTO: Who said ‘ow’?!
RANDOM: Uhhlm.
OTTO: You’re not dead either. Neither are you! Stand up! Stand up. You’re not dead. Ah– Eh– Oh, my heck! Stand up! Stand up, all of you! Oh, my heck, is there not even one dead?!
HELMUT: No, sir. Not one.
OTTO: Why not?!
HELMUT: We thought it was a practise, sir.
OTTO: But all the bleeding and the groaning?
HELMUT: Little secreted sheeps’ bladders, sir.
OTTO: Oh– Oh, my cock! Sheeps’ bladders?!
HELMUT: Yes.
OTTO: You are sour! A non-Semitic, mutinous, racially impure, cloth-eared bunch of Roman-lovers!
HELMUT: Stumm, stumm, stumm. Sorry, sir.
OTTO: Tomorrow, as a punishment, you will all eat… pork sausages!
J.P.F.: [groaning]
HELMUT: Oh, no.
OTTO: Now– All right. Tell ze Leader that we are ready to die for him ze moment he gives the sign.
BRIAN: What sign?
OTTO: The sign that is the sign. That shall be the sign. Men! Forward!
[drum march]
J.P.F.:
[singing]
There’s a man we call our Leader.
He’s fine and strong and brave,
And we’ll follow him unquestioning
Towards an early grave.
He-e gives us hope of sacrifice
And a chance to die in vain,
And if we’re one of the lucky ones,
We’ll live to die again.
BRIAN: Silly bugger.
REG Um, women taken in sin, line up against that wall, will you?
JUDITH: Brian? Brian, you were fantastic!
BRIAN: You weren’t so bad yourself.
JUDITH: No, what you said just now– it was quite extraordinary.
BRIAN: What? Oh, that. Was it?
JUDITH: We don’t need any leaders. You’re so right. Reg has been dominating us for too long.
BRIAN: Well, yes.
JUDITH: It needed saying, and you said it, Brian.
BRIAN: You’re… very attractive.
JUDITH: It’s our revolution! We can all do it together!
BRIAN: I think– I think–
JUDITH: We’re all behind you, Brian. The revolution is in your hands!
BRIAN: What? No! That’s not what I meant at all!
CENTURION: You’re fuckin’ nicked, me old beauty. Right.
[whap whap whap whap whap]
[smack]
Stop it.