Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Scene 13 : Crunchy Frog
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 1 episode 6 sketch 3
and Worst of Monty Python
and the live album Live at City Center
and the compilation Monty Python’s Instant Record Collection US
Constable Graham Chapman
Mr. Hilton Terry Jones
Constable Parrot Terry Gilliam
Constable Mr. Hilton?
Mr. Hilton Ah, yes.
Constable You are sole proprietor and owner of the Whizzo Chocolate Company?
Mr. Hilton I am.
Constable Constable Parrot and I are from the Hygiene Squad…
Mr. Hilton Oh, yes.
Constable …and we’d like to have a word with you about your box of chocolates entitled “The Whizzo Quality Assortment.”
Mr. Hilton Ah, good, yes.
Constable If I may begin at the beginning. First, there is the Cherry Fondue. Now this is extremely nasty, but we can’t prosecute you for that!
Mr. Hilton Agreed.
Constable Next we have number four, “Crunchy Frog.”
Mr. Hilton Ah, yes.
Constable Am I right in thinking there’s a real frog in here?
Mr. Hilton Yes, a little one.
Constable Is it cooked?
Mr. Hilton No.
Constable What? A raw frog?
Mr. Hilton We use only the finest baby frogs, due picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in the finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and sealed in a —- treble milk chocolate envelope, and lovingly frosted with glucose!
Constable That’s as maybe, but it’s still a frog!
Mr. Hilton What else would it be?
Constable What! Don’t even take the bones out?
Mr. Hilton If we took the bones out, it wouldn’t be crunchy, would it?
Constable Constable Parrot ate one of those!
Constable Parrot Would you excuse me for a moment, sir?
Mr. Hilton Well, it says “Crunchy Frog” quite clearly.
Constable They’ll never mind that. We have to protect the public. People aren’t going to think there’s a real frog in chocolate. The superintendent thought it was some sort of almond well. They’re bound to think it’s some sort of mock frog.
Mr. Hilton Mock frog?! We use no artificial preservatives or additives of any kind!
Constable Nevertheless, I advise you to in future change the words “Crunchy Frog” with the legend “Crunchy, raw, unboned, real, dead frog” if you want to avoid prosecution.
Mr. Hilton What about our sales?
Constable I don’t give a damn about your sales. We have to protect the public! Now, what was this one? Number five. It was number five, wasn’t it? Number five: “Ram’s Bladder Cup!” Now what kind of confection is this?
Mr. Hilton We use choice —- juicy chunks of fresh Cornish ram’s bladder, emptied, steamed, flavored with sesame seeds, whipped into a fondue, and garnished with larks’ vomit!
Constable Larks’ vomit?
Mr. Hilton Correct.
Constable It doesn’t say anything down here about larks’ vomit!
Mr. Hilton Ah, yes, it does, on the bottom of the box, after monosodium glutamate.
Constable I hardly think this is good enough! It would be more appropriate if the box bore a big red label. “Warning: Larks’ Vomit!”
Mr. Hilton Our sales would plummet!
Constable Well, why don’t you move into more conventional areas of confectionery, like praline or lime cream, a very popular flavor I’m met to understand, or Strawberry Delight? I mean, what’s this one? “Cockroach Cluster?” And this, “Anthrax Ripple?”
Constable Parrot [vomits]
Constable And what’s this one, “Spring Surprise?”
Mr. Hilton Aaah, that’s our speciality! Covered in darkest, dowdy, smooth chocolate, when you pop it in your mouth, stainless steel bolts sprint out and punch straight through both cheeks!
Constable If people pop a nice chocky in their mouth they don’t expect to get their cheeks pierced! In any case, it is an inadequate description of the sweet in it! I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the station.
Mr. Hilton It’s a fair cop.
Constable And don’t talk to the audience!