Series 1, Episode 5: Newreader Arrested
NEWSREADER Eric Idle
OTHER NEWSREADER John Cleese
DORA Carol Cleveland
BEVIS Terry Jones
(Scene : A news studio with a large screen behind newsreader.)
Newsreader:… and several butchers’ aprons. In Fulham this morning a jeweller’s shop was broken into and jewellery to the value of £2,000 stolen. Police have issued this picture of a man they wish to interview.
(on the screen behind, him, there appears an identical picture of him, sitting at his newsreader desk)
The man is in his late twenties wearing a grey suit, a white shirt and a floral tie.
(on the screen behind, police come in and remove the newsreader)
Will anyone who sees this man or can give any information about his whereabouts contact their nearest policestation.
(he is handed a piece of paper)
Ah! Oh. We’ve just heard that police have detained the man they wished to interview in connection with the jewel robbery. Ah, but after questioning police have ruled him out of their enquiries and released him.
(the other newsreader appears back on the screen and sits down)
(he is handed another piece of paper)
Ah, they say, however, that acting on his information they now wish to interview a newsreader in the central London area. Ah, police are concentrating their enquiries on the British Broadcasting Corp…
(a policeman come in, and removes newsreader in the foreground) Excuse me a minute…
(The newsreader on the screen behind continues.)
Other Newsreader: We understand a man is now helping police with their enquiries. And that is the end of the news.
(he clips a piece of jewellery on to his ear)
And now, ‘Match of the Day’.
(‘Match of the Day’ music. We see a couple. They are standing at the foot of a largish bed. She is in bra and pants. He is in Y-fronts. They kiss ecstaticaly. After a few seconds there is the sound of a car drawing up. The crunch of footsteps on gravel and the sound of a door opening. The newsreader comes into shot.)
Newsreader: Ah, I, Um terribly sorry it’s not in fact ‘Match of the Day’-, it is in fact edited highlights of tonight’s romantic movie. Er. Sorry. (he goes out of shot; the two clinch again; after a second he pops back into shot) Ooh, I’m sorry, on BBC2 Joan Bakewell will be talking to Michael Dean about what makes exciting television. (pops out of shot, then pops in again) Ah, sorry about all that. And now back to the movie. (he goes)
(The couple continue to neck.)
Dora: (smoking) Oh, oh, oh Bevis, should we?
Bevis: Oh Dora. Why not?
Dora: Be gentle with me.
(Cut to film montage. collapsing factory chimney in reverse motion; pan up tall soaring poplars in the wind; waves crashing; fish in shallow water fountains; exploding fireworks; volcano erupting with lava; rocket taking off, express train going into a tunnel; dam bursting; battleship broadside; lion leaping through flaming hoop; Richard Nixon smiling; milking a cow; planes refuelling in mid-air; Women’s Insmute applauding; tossing the saber; plane falling in flames; tree crashing to the ground; the lead shot tower collapsing (normal motion). Cut back to the girl in bed.)
Dora: Oh Bevis, are you going to do anything or are you just going to show me films all evening?
(We see Bevis, with small projector.)
Bevis: Just one more, dear.
(He starts it. A two-minute extravaganza constructed by Mr Terry Gilliam.)