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Series 1, Episode 6: Non-Illegal Robbery
The cast:
BOSS Michael Palin
FIFTH John Cleese
LARRY Terry Jones
REG Eric Idle
VICAR Terry Jones
CHARTERED ACCOUNTANT John Cleese
PEPPERPOT Michael Palin
PRALINE John Cleese
POLICEMAN Graham Chapman
The sketch:
(Scene : A garret room with a bare table. Around it are grouped four desperate-looking robbers. The Boss has a rolled-up map. One of the gang, the fifth, is looking out of the window.)
Boss: All clear?
Fifth: All clear, Boss.
Boss: (unfolding big map across table; talking carefuly) Right … this is the plan then. At 10:45 … you, Reg:, collect me and Ken in the van, and take us round to the British Jewelery Centre in the High Street. We will arrive outside the British Jewellery Centre at 10:50 a. of m. I shall then get out of the car, you Reg, take it and park it back here in Denver Street, right? At 10:51, I shall enter the British Jewellery Centre, where you, Vic, disguised as a customer, will meet me and hand me £5.18.3d. At 10:52, I shall approach the counter and purchase a watch costing £5.18.3d. I shall then give the watch to you, Vic. You’ll go straight to Norman’s Garage in East Street. You lads continue back up here at 10:56 and we rendezvous in the back room at the Cow and Sickle, at 11:15. All right, any questions?
Larry: We don’t seem to be doing anything illegal.
Boss: What do you mean?
Larry: Well … we’re paying for the watch.
Boss: (patiently) Yes…
Larry: (hesitating) Well… why are we paying for the watch?
Boss: (heavily) They wouldn’t give it to us if we didn’t pay for it, would they… eh?
Larry: Look! I don’t like this outfit.
Boss: Why not?
Larry: (at last feeling free to say what’s on his mind) Well, we never break the bloody law.
(General consternation.)
Boss: What d’you mean?
Larry: Well, look at that bank job last week.
Boss: What was wrong with that?
Larry: Well having to go in there with a mask on and ask for £15 out of my deposit account; that’s what was wrong with it.
Boss: Listen! What are you trying to say, Larry?
Larry: Couldn’t we just steal the watch, Boss
Boss: Oh, you dumb cluck! We spent weeks organizing this job. Reg rented a room across the road and filmed the people going in and out every day. Vic spent three weeks looking at watch catalogues…until he knew the price of each one backwards, and now I’m not going to risk the whole raid just for the sake of breaking the law.
Larry: Urr… couldn’t we park on a double yellow line?
Boss: No!
Larry: Couldn’t we get a dog to foul the foot…
Boss: No!
Reg: (suddenly going pale) ‘Ere, Boss!
Boss: What’s the matter with you?
Reg: I just thought… I left the car on a meter… and it’s…
Boss: Overdue?
Reg: Yes, Boss.
Boss: How much?
Reg: (quaking) I dunno, Boss… maybe two … maybe five minutes …
Boss: Five minutes overdue. You fool! You fool! All right … we’ve no time to lose. Ken – shave all your hair off, get your passport and meet me at this address in Rio de Janeiro Tuesday night. Vic – go to East Africa, have plastic surgery and meet me there. Reg – go to Canada and work your way south to Nicaragua by July. Larry – you stay here as front man. Give us fifteen minutes then blow the building up. All right, make it fast.
Larry: I can’t blow the building up.
Boss: Why not?
Larry: It’s illegal.
Boss: Oh bloody hell. Well we’d better give ourselves up then.
Reg: We can’t, Boss.
Boss: Why not?
Reg: We haven’t done anything illegal.
(Cut to film. Exterior of bank. Three bandits rush out with swag etc. One of them stops to talk to camera raising mask off him.)
Boss: No I think being illegal makes it more exciting.
Reg: Yes, I agree. I mean, if you’re going to go straight you might as well be a vicar or something.
(Cut to vicar, wheeling quickly round to reveal he has had his hand in the restoration-fund box.)
Vicar: What?
(Cut to chartered accountant.)
Chartered Accountant: I agree. If there were fewer robbers there wouldn’t be so many of them, numerically speaking.
(Cut to pepperpot.)
Pepperpot: I think sexual ecstasy is over-rated.
(Cut to Scotsman.)
Scotsman: Well, how very interesting, because I’m now made entirely of tin.
(Cut to Police Inspector Praline.)
Praline: After a few more of these remarks, I shall be
appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned.
(Cut to policeman.)
Policeman: It’s the uniform that puts them off, that and my bad breath.
(Cut to judge in full long wig and robes and a QC also wearing wig and robes.)
Judge: (matter of factly) We like dressing up, yes…