Series 1, Episode 7: Audit
ACCOUNTANT Michael Palin
CHAIRMAN Graham Chapman
BOARD MEMBER John Cleese
BISHOP Terry Jones
CAMEL SPOTTER Eric Idle
VOICE OVER Eric Idle
JEWISH FIGURE Michael Palin
(A small board meeting. An Accountant stands up and reads…)
Accountant: Lady Chairman, sir, shareholders, ladies and gentlemen. I have great pleasure in announcing that owing to a cutback on surplus expenditure of twelve million Canadian dollars, plus a refund of seven and a half million Deutschmarks from the Swiss branch, and in addition adding the debenture preference stock of the three and three quarter million to the directors’ reserve currency account of seven and a half million, plus an upward expenditure margin of eleven and a half thousand lira, due to a rise in capital investment of ten million pounds, this firm last year made a complete profit of a shilling.
Chairman: A shilling Wilkins?
Accountant: Er, roughly, yes sir.
Chairman: Wilkins, I am the Chairman of a multi-million pound corporation and you are a very new chartered Accountant. Isn’t it possible there may have been some mistake?
Accountant: Well that’s very kind of you sir, but I don’t think I’m ready to be Chairman yet.
Board Member: Wilkins, Wilkins. This shilling, is it net or gross?
Accountant: It’s British sir.
Chairman: Yes, has tax been paid on it?
Accountant: Yes, this is after tax. Owing to the rigorous bite of the income tax five pence of a further sixpence was swallowed up in tax.
Board Member: Five pence of a further sixpence?
Accountant: (eagerly) Yes sir.
Chairman: Five pence of a further sixpence?
Accountant: That’s right sir.
Chairman: Then where is the other penny?
Accountant: … Er.
Board Member: That makes you a penny short Wilkins. Where is it?
Accountant: … Erm.
Accountant: (in tears) I embezzled it sir.
Chairman: What all of it?
Accountant: Yes all of it.
Board Member: You naughty person.
Accountant: It’s my first. Please be gentle with me.
Chairman: I’m afraid it’s my unpleasant duty to inform you that you’re fired.
Accountant: Oh please, please.
Chairman: No, out!
Accountant: (crying) Oh … (he leaves)
Chairman: Yes, there’s no place for sentiment in big business.
(He goes over to a wall plaque ‘There is no place for sentiment in Big Business’. He turns it over. On the back it says ‘He’s right you know’.)
Bishop: (to Chairman) Oh you’re no fun anymore.
(Camel Spotting man comes running in shouting.)
Spotter: I heard that. Who said that?
All: (pointing at the bishop) He did! He did!
Bishop: No I didn’t.
(Shot of the bishop bound and gagged and tied across a railway line.)
Voice Over: Here is the address to complain to …
(Caption on screen : ‘MR ALBERT SPIM, 1,OOO,OO8 LONDON ROAD, OXFORD’ But he reads:)
Voice Over: The Royal Frog Trampling Institute, 16 Rayners Lane, London, W.C. Fields. I’ll just repeat that…
(Caption on screen : ‘FLIGHT LT. & PREBENDARY ETHEL MORRIS, THE DIMPLES, THAXTED, NR BUENOS AIRES’ He reads over it:)
Voice Over: Tristram and Isolde Phillips, 7.30 Covent Garden Saturday (near Sunday) and afterwards at the lnigo Jones Fish Emporium.
(Cut to Jewish figure.)
Jewish Figure: And they want to put the licence fee up?