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Series 1, Episode 13: Restaurant
The cast:
VOICE OVER Terry Jones
SHE Eric Idle
HE John Cleese
HEADMASTER Graham Chapman
HOPKINS Terry Jones
The sketch:
(Cut to large animated sign saying: ‘Intermission’.)
Voice Over: There will now be a short intermission.
(After this seven seconds of slightly speeded up Mantovani. Two animated cars race in and crash. Cut to animated opening credits. Cut to the same sign saying: ‘Intermission’)
Voice Over: There will now be a medium-sized intermission. Same music, same speed, slightly longer.
(Short animation, then cut to restaurant vestibule. He and she are already there, entering. She is nattering. The waiter is waiting.)
She: Oo I don’t like this, Bob I don’t like that. Oh I don’t think much to all this. Oh fancy using that wallpaper. Fancy using mustard. Oo is that a proper one? Oo it’s not real. Oh 1 don’t think it’s a proper restaurant unless they give you finger bowls. Oo I don’t like him. I’m going to have a baby in a few years.
He: Er, please excuse my wife. She may appear to be rather nasty but underneath she has a heart of formica. (the waiter grimaces) I’m sorry about that.
Waiter: That’s all right sir, we get all sorts of lines in here. The head waiter will be along to abuse you in a few moments, and now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and commit suicide.
He: Oh I’m sorry.
Waiter: It’s all right. It’s not because of anything serious.
(He exits. Shot off-screen and scream.)
She: Quite frankly I’m against people who commit suicide, I don’t like that sort of person at all. I’m plain people and I’m proud of it, my mother’s the salt of the earth, and I don’t take the pill ‘cos it’s nasty.
(The head waiter comes in.)
He: Please excuse my wife, she may not be very beautiful, and she may have no money, and she may be a little talentless, boring and dull, but on the other hand … (long pause) … sorry I can’t think of anything.
Head Waiter: Fine. I’m the head waiter. This is a vegetarian restaurant only, we serve no animal flesh of any kind. We’re not only proud of that, we’re smug about it. So if you were to come in here asking me to rip open a small defenceless chicken, so you could chew its skin and eat its intestines, then I’m afraid I’d have to ask you to leave.
He: No, no, no, no.
Head Waiter: Likewise if you were to ask us to slice the sides of a cow and serve it with small pieces of its liver … (small tic developing, getting carried away) or indeed drain the life blood from a pig before cutting off one of its legs… or carve the living giblets from a sheep and serve them with the fresh brains, bowels, guts and spleen of a small rabbit… WE WOULDN’T DO IT. (reaction) Not for food anyway.
She: Quite frankly I’m against people who give vent to their loquacity by extraneous bombastic circumlocution. (they both look at her; pause) Oh I don’t like that.
He: Sometimes Shirley I think you’re almost human.
Head Waiter: (thinking) Do you know I still wet my bed.
He: Once I married someone who was beautiful, and young, and gay, and free. Whatever happened to her?
She: You divorced her and married me.
Head Waiter: I met my second wife at a second-wife-swapping party. Trust me to arrive late.
(Enter headmaster.)
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Headmaster: Always were late weren’t you Thompson?
Head Waiter: Hello Headmaster. What are you doing here?
Headmaster: Fine, fine, fine, thank you. Fine, thank you. No more sherry for me don’t you know. Warner House beat Badger House for the Second Cuppa, remarkable. We had to put most of the second form to sleep. No padre. Bad business. They were beginning to play with themselves. Still… You haven’t seen my wife anywhere have you?
Head Waiter: No.
Headmaster: Oh thank God for that, (exits)
She: Oh I don’t like him. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. All men are the same.
(Enter prologue, long white Greek robes, long white beard, holding a large staff)
Prologue: Imagine not that these four walls contain the Mighty Owl of Thebes. For, gentles all, beauty sits most closely to them it can construe…
Head Waiter: No it doesn’t.
Prologue: Sorry. (he exits)
Head Waiter: Fine. Would you care for a glass of blood? Oh what a giveaway.
She: No, we’d like to see the menu please. I don’t think it’s a proper restaurant unless you have a proper menu, and anyway I might be pregnant.
He: Perhaps you’d care for a drink?,
She: Ever since you’ve married me, Douglas, you’ve treated me like an albatross.
(A waiter enters pushing a large serving dish with a semi-naked Hopkins sitting unconcernedly in it.)
Hopkins: Evening.
He: Good evening.
Hopkins: I hope you’re going to enjoy me this evening. I’m the special. Try me with some rice.
He: I beg your pardon?
Hopkins: A Hopkins au gratin a la chef.
He: Ah, oh how do you… (makes to shake hands)
Hopkins: (sketchtishly) Don’t play with your food.
She: (examining him) I don’t like that. There’s dust on here. I don’t think it’s a proper meal without a pudding. My husband’s an architect.
Hopkins: Oh, one word of warning, sir, a little tip. (lowering voice) Don’t have any of the vicar over there. (cut to vicar sitting thin and unhappy in a pot) He’s been here two weeks and nobody’s touched him. ‘Nuff said?
He: Yes thank you.
Hopkins: Well I must get on or I’ll ‘spoil. Janet – to the kitchen.
Waiter: There’s a dead bishop in the lobby, sir.
Head Waiter: I don’t know who keeps bringing them in here.
She: Oh I don’t like that. I think it’s silly. It’s not a proper sketch without a proper punchline. I mean I don’t know much about anything, I’m stupid. I’m muggins. Nobody cares what I think. I’m always the one that has to do everything. Nobody cares about me. Well I’m going to have a lot of bloody babies and they can bloody well care about me. Makes you sick half this television. They never stop talking, he’ll be the ruination of her, rhythm method.
(Cut to animated sign saying ‘Intermission ‘.)
Voice Over: There will now be a whopping great intermission, during which small ice creams in very large boxes will be sold. Another way we can drive people away from the cinema is by showing you advertisements.