 |
 |
 |
 |
Series 2, Episode 20: Take Your Pick
The cast:
MICHAEL MILES John Cleese
HOSTESS Graham Chapman
WOMAN Terry Jones
The sketch:
(A simple ‘Take Your Pick’ style set with Michael Miles grinning type monster standing at centre of it.)
Michael Miles: And could we have the next contender, please? (a pepperpot walks out into the set towards Michael Miles) Ha ha ha… Good evening, madam, and your name is?
Woman: Yes, yes;
Michael Miles: And what’s your name?
Woman: I go to church regularly.
Michael Miles: Jolly good, I see, and which prize do you have particular eyes on this evening?
Woman: I’d like the blow on the head.
Michael Miles: The blow on the head.
Woman: Just there.
Michael Miles: Jolly good. Well your first question for the blow on the head this evening is: what great opponent of Cartesian dualism resists the reduction of psychological phenomena to physical states?
Woman: I don’t know that!
Michael Miles: Well, have a guess.
Woman: Henri Bergson.
Michael Miles: Is the correct answer!
Woman: Ooh, that was lucky. I never even heard of him.
Michael Miles: Jolly good.
Woman: I don’t like darkies.
Michael Miles: Ha ha ha. Who does! And now your second question for the blow on the head is: what is the main food that penguins eat?
Woman: Pork luncheon meat.
Michael Miles: No.
Woman: Spam?
Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat? Penguins.
Woman: Penguins?
Michael Miles: Yes.
Woman: I hate penguins.
Michael Miles: No, no, no.
Woman: They eat themselves.
Michael Miles: No, no, what do penguim eat?
Woman: Horses! … Armchairs!
Michael Miles: No, no, no. What do penguins eat?
Woman: Oh, penguins.
Michael Miles: Penguins.
Woman: Cannelloni.
Michael Miles: No.
Woman: Lasagna, moussaka, lobster thermidor, escalopes de veau a
l’estragon avec endives gratineed with cheese.
Michael Miles: No, no, no, no. I’ll give you a clue. (mimes a fish swimming)
Woman: Ah! Brian Close.
Michael Miles: No. no.
Woman: Brian Inglis, Brian Johnson, Bryan Forbes.
Michael Miles: No, no!
Woman: Nanette Newman.
Michael Miles: No. What swims in the sea and gets caught in nets?
Woman: Henri Bergson.
Michael Miles: No.
Woman: Goats. Underwater goats with snorkels and flippers.
Michael Miles: No, no.
Woman: A buffalo with an aqualung.
Michael Miles: No, no.
Woman: Reginald Maudling.
Michael Miles: Yes, that’s near enough. I’ll give you that. Right, now, Mrs. Scum, you have won your prize, do you still want the blow on the head?
Woman: Yes, yes.
Michael Miles: I’ll offer you a poke in the eye.
Woman: No! I want a blow on the head.
Michael Miles: A punch in the throat.
Woman: No.
Michael Miles: All right then, a kick in the kneecap.
Woman: No.
Michael Miles: Mrs. Scum, I’m offering you a boot in the teeth and a dagger up the strap.
Woman: Er…
Voices: Blow on the head! Take the blow on the head!
Woman: No, no. I’ll take the blow on the head.
Michael Miles: Very well then, Mrs Scum, you have won tonight’s star prize, the blow on the head.
(He strikes her on head with an enormous mallet and she falls unconscious. A sexily dressed hostess in the background strikes a small gong. The three bishops rush in and jump on her.)