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Series 2, Episode 24: Film Director
The cast:
PADGET Terry Jones
CURRY Graham Chapman
LABIENUS Terry Jones
JULIUS Graham Chapman
NELSON Eric Idle
TOAD Terry Jones
HARDY Michael Palin
The sketch:
(Cut to late-night line-up setting. Interviewer and interviewee.)
Padget: Martin Curry, welcome. One of the big teeth… big points that the American critics made about your latest film, ‘The Twelve Caesars’, was that it was on so all-embracing a topic. What made you undertake so enormous a tusk… task?
(We now see that his interviewee has two enormous front teeth.)
Curry: Well I’ve always been interested in Imperial Rome from Julius Caesar right through to Vethpathian.
Padget: Who?
Curry: Vethpathian.
Padget: Ah! Vespasian.
Curry: Yes.
Padget: When I saw your film it did seem to me that you had taken a rather, um, subjective approach to it.
Curry: I’m sorry?
Padget: Well, I mean all your main characters had these enormous… well not enormous, these very big… well let’s have a look at a clip in which Julius Incisor…. Caesar talks to his generals during the battle against Caractacus.
Curry: I don’t see that at all.
(Film: interior of a tent; generals around a table.)
Labienus: (with relatively enormous front teeth) Shall I order the cavalry that they may hide themselves in the wood, O Caesar?
All: (with very large front teeth) Thus O Caesar.
Julius: (with amazingly large front teeth) Today is about to be a triumph for our native country.
(Back to interview set.)
Padget: Martin Curry, why do all your characters have these very big er… very big um… teeth?
Curry: What do you mean?
Padget: Well, I mean, er… and even in your biblical epic, ‘The Son of Man’, John the Baptist had the most enormous… dental appendages… and of course… Himself had the most monumental ivories.
Curry: No, I’m afraid I don’t see that at all. (picks up glass of water but can’t get it to his mouth) Could I have a straw?
Padget: Oh, a straw, yes, yes. Well while we’re doing that perhaps we could take another look at an earlier film, ‘Trafalgar’.
(Between decks. Nelson lying among others. They all have enormous teeth.)
Nelson: Cover my coat, Mr. Bush, the men must not know of this till victory is ours.
Toad: The surgeon’s coming, sir.
Nelson: No, tell the surgeon to attend the men that can be saved. He can do little for me, I fear.
Toad: Aye, aye, sir.
Nelson: Hardy! Hardy!
Hardy: Sir?
Nelson: Hardy…’ kiss… er … put your hand on my thigh.
(Back to interview set. Curry is sitting practically upside down, trying to drink water with much difficulty)
Padget: Martin Curry, thank you. Well. We asked the first-night audience what they thought of that film.