Series 3, Episode 28: Schoolboy’s Life Assurance
HEADMASTER Michael Palin
STEBBINS Eric Idle
BALDERSTON Terry Gilliam
TIDWELL Terry Jones
(Cut to a headmaster’s study.)
Headmaster: Knock, enter and approach. (knock on door; it opens and three schoolboys in short trousers enter) Right, it’s come to my notice that certain boys have been running a unit-trust linked assurance scheme with fringe benefits and full cash-in endowment facilities. Apparently small investors were attracted by the wide-ranging portfolio and that in the first week the limited offer was oversubscribed eight times.
Stebbins: It was Tidwell’s idea, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, Stebbins! I haven’t finished. Oh, by the way, congratulations on winning the Italian Grand Prix at Monza.
Stebbins: Thank you, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up. Now then, this sort of extra-curricular capitalist expansion has got to stop! l made it quite clear when Potter tried to go public last term, that these massive stock exchange deals must not happen in Big School. Is that clear, Balderston?
Balderston: Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Oh, and Balderston, next time you do a ‘Panorama’ Report on the Black Ghettos you must get an exert form from Mr Dibley.
Balderston: Sorry, sir.
Headmaster: Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble with her,.. er… with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit of attention, Now, which one of you is the surgeon? (silence) Come on, I know one of you is, which one is it? (Tidwell raises hand reluctantly) Ah! Tidwell. Good. Well, I want’you to cut along and have a look at the wife.
Tidwell: Oh, sir! Why don’t you ask Stebbins? He’s a gynaecologist.
Stebbins: Ooh! You rotten stinker, Tidwell!
Headmaster: Is this true, Stebbins? Are you a gynaecologist?
Stebbins: (very reluctantly) Yes, sir.
Headmaster: Right, just the man. How much do you charge?
Stebbins: (muttering into his shoes) Thirty guineas, sir.
Headmaster: Excellent. Right. I want you to go along to see the wife. Give her a full examination, and let me know the results by the end of break. And don’t pick your nose!