Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 24: Jailer and His Assistant
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NISUS: Next. Hhh, crucifixion?
ALFONSO: Yes.
NISUS: Good. Out of the door. Line on the left. One cross each. Jailer?
BRIAN: Excuse me. There’s been some sort of mistake.
NISUS: Just a moment, would you? Jailer, how many have come through?
JAILER: What?
NISUS: Uh, how many have come through?
JAILER: What?
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Uh, y– y– y– y– y– you’ll have to s– speak– s– s– s– sp– spe– speak– speak– s– spe– s– s– p– p– peak– speak up a bit, sir. He’s– he’s d– he’s d– he’s d– he’s d–
NISUS: Ah.
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Oh, he’s– he’s–
[whap]
He’s deaf as– dea– deaf as a p– p– post, sir.
NISUS: Uhh, how many have come through?!
JAILER: Hhhee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.
NISUS: Oh, dear.
JAILER: Hee huh.
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: I make it ninety-fff–…
NISUS: Ah.
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: ninety-fff– ninety-fffff– ninety-six, sir.
NISUS: Oh. It’s such a senseless waste of human life, isn’t it?
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: N– n– n– n– n– n– n– no, sir. N– not– not with these b– bastards, sir. C– cr– rrrr– c– c– crrr– c– c– c– crrrrucifixion’s too good for ’em, sir.
NISUS: I don’t think you can say it’s too good for them. It’s– it’s very nasty.
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Well, it’s not as n– n– n– n– n– n– n– n– no– no– no– not as n– nasty as something I just thought up, sir.
NISUS: No.
JAILER: Hm?
NISUS: Now, um, crucifixion.
BRIAN: Is there someone I can speak to?
NISUS: Well–
JAILER: I know where to get it, if you want it.
NISUS: What?
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Uh, d– don’t– don’t worry about hi– him, sir. He’s de– he’s de–
[whap]
He’s de– de– de– he’s deaf and m– m– m– m– m– m– m– mad, sir.
NISUS: How did he get the job?
JAILER’S ASSISTANT: Bloody Pilate’s pet, sir.
JAILER: Heh heh.
MR. CHEEKY: Get a move on, Big Nose! There’s people waiting to be crucified out here. Ha ha ha ha ha ha hah.
BRIAN: Could I see a lawyer or someone?
NISUS: Um, do– do you have a lawyer?
BRIAN: No, but I’m a Roman.
MR. CHEEKY: How about a re-trial? We’ve got plenty o’ time.
PARVUS: Shut up, you!
MR. CHEEKY: Miserable, bloody Romans. No sense of humour.
[whump]
Oooh.
NISUS: I’m sorry. Bit of a hurry. Can you go straight out? Line on the left. One cross each. Now…