Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Scene 21 : Travel Agency
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 5 sketch 6
and Monty Python’s Previous RecordMonty Python’s Previous Record
live albums Live at Drury Lane and Live at City Center
and complication album Final Rip-off
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Mr. Smoketoomuch Eric Idle
Secretary Carol Cleveland
Mr. Bounder Michael Palin
Narrator Graham Chapman
(titles)
MOROCCO
Sun, Sea, and Watch
out behind you
Mr. Smoketoomuch Good morning.
Secretary Oh, good morning. Uhm, have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blow job?
Mr. Smoketoomuch I’m sorry?
Secretary Uh, oh, you’ve come to arrange a holiday?
Mr. Smoketoomuch Uuh…yes.
Secretary Oh, sorry, sorry. Now, where were you thinking of going?
Mr. Smoketoomuch Uh, to India.
Secretary Ah, one of our adventure holidays.
Mr. Smoketoomuch Yes, that’s right.
Secretary Well, you’d better see Mr. Bounder about that. Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in the “India Overland” – and nothing else.
Mr. Bounder Ah. Hello, I’m Bounder of Adventure.
Mr. Smoketoomuch Oh, hello. My name is Smoketoomuch.
Mr. Bounder What?
Mr. Smoketoomuch My name is Smoketoomuch. Mr. Smoketoomuch.
Mr. Bounder Well, you’d better cut down a little then. [Laughter]
Mr. Smoketoomuch I’m sorry?
Mr. Bounder You’d better cut down a little then. [Snigger]
Mr. Smoketoomuch Oh, I see! Smoke too much so I’d better cut down a little then!
Mr. Bounder Yes. [Laughter] Ooh, it’s going to get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?
Mr. Smoketoomuch No, actually, it never struck me before. Smoketoomuch… [Laughter]
Mr. Bounder Anyway, ehm, you’re interested in one of our holidays, are you?
Mr. Smoketoomuch Yes, that’s right. I saw your advert in the blassified ads.
Mr. Bounder The what?
Mr. Smoketoomuch In The Times Blassified Ads.
Mr. Bounder Ah, The Times Classified Ads.
Mr. Smoketoomuch Yes, that’s right. I’m afraid I have a speech impediment. I can’t pronounce the letter B.
Mr. Bounder Uh, C.
Mr. Smoketoomuch Yes, that’s right, B. It’s all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a schoolboy. I was attacked by a Siamese bat.
Mr. Bounder Uh, ah, a Siamese cat.
Mr. Smoketoomuch No, a Siamese bat. They’re more dangerous.
Mr. Bounder Listen…can you say the letter K?
Mr. Smoketoomuch Oh, yes. Khaki, kettle, Kipling, Khomeini, Kellog’s Born Flakes.
Mr. Bounder Well, why don’t you say the letter K instead of the letter C?
Mr. Smoketoomuch Well, you mean, pronounce “blassified” with a K?
Mr. Bounder Yes, absolutely!
Mr. Smoketoomuch Classified!
Mr. Bounder Good!
Mr. Smoketoomuch Oh, it’s very good! I never thought of that before. What a silly bunt.
Mr. Bounder Now then, uhm, about the holiday…
Mr. Smoketoomuch Yes, well, I’ve been unpackaged store many times before, so your advert really bought my eye.
Mr. Bounder Good, good, jolly good, well, let me offer you this…
Mr. Smoketoomuch Why-why, what’s the point of going abroad, if your just going to be treated like a sheep?
Mr. Bounder Mmm.
Mr. Smoketoomuch Cartered around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oaves from Vetchy and Boventry.
Mr. Bounder Absolutely.
Mr. Smoketoomuch They’ve blothed backs and their bardigans and their chances to radios, complaining about the tea or they don’t make it properly, do they? And stopping at endless Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Rodney’s Red Barrel and calamares and toothache. And sitting in their cotton sunfrost, squirting Timothy White Suncream all over their puffy, raw, swollen, parollen flesh, ‘cos they overdid it on the first day.
Mr. Bounder Yes, I know just what you mean! Now, what we offer is…
Mr. Smoketoomuch Being herded into countless Hotel Miramars and Bellevues, Bontinentals with their international luxury modern roomettes…
Mr. Bounder Oh, yes.
Mr. Smoketoomuch …and swimming pools full of draft Red Barrel and fat German businessmen pretending to be acrobats and forming pyramids and frightening the children and…
Mr. Bounder Oh, yes.
Mr. Smoketoomuch …barging into the cues. And if you’re not at your table…
Mr. Bounder Oh, yes.
Mr. Smoketoomuch …spot on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell’s Cream and Mushroom Soup, the first item in the menu of International Cuisine.
Mr. Bounder Absolutely. Now what we have here is…
Mr. Smoketoomuch Every Thursday night there’s a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny —- dego with nine-inch hips and some fat bloated tart with her hair really creamed down and big arse presenting her to foreigners.
Mr. Bounder Will you be quiet, please?
Mr. Smoketoomuch —- from Birmingham with bloody right…
Mr. Bounder Will you be quiet?
Mr. Smoketoomuch …legs and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy, bandy legs ,whop degos called Manuel.
Mr. Bounder Be-be quiet!
Mr. Smoketoomuch And once a week there’s an excursion to local Roman remains, where you can buy Cherry Aid and melted ice cream…
Mr. Bounder Be quiet!
Mr. Smoketoomuch …and bleedin’ Rodney’s Red Barrel.
Mr. Bounder Shut up!
Mr. Smoketoomuch And one night they take you to a typical restaurant with local…
Mr. Bounder Shut up!
Mr. Smoketoomuch …atmosphere and color and you sit next to a…
Mr. Bounder Shut up!
Mr. Smoketoomuch …party from Relu who keep singing “I love the Costa Brava!”
Mr. Bounder Shut up!
Mr. Smoketoomuch “I love the Costa Brava!” And you get cornered by some drunken green grocer from Luton with an Instamatic camera and last Tuesday’s daily express…
Mr. Bounder Please be quiet!
Mr. Smoketoomuch …and he’s on and on and on about how it is running the country and how many languages Margaret Powell can speak and she throws up all over the cuba libre. And spending four days on the tarmac at Luton Airport on a five-day package store with nothing to eat but dry—-sandwhiches.
Mr. Bounder Shut up! Please shut up!
Mr. Smoketoomuch And you can’t even get a glass of Rodney’s Red Barrel because you’re still in England with the bloody bar closes every time you’re thirsty. And the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the plastic ashtrays. They keep telling you won’t be another hour, but you know damn well your plane is still in Iceland, because it had to turn back, trying to take a party of Swedes to…
Mr. Bounder Shut up!
Mr. Smoketoomuch …to take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia. Of course it loads you up there at 3 a.m. in the morning. And then you sit on the tarmac for four hours because of unforeseen difficulties, i.e. the permanent strike of airtraffic control over Paris. When you finally get to Malaga airport, everybody’s cueing for the bloody toilet, and cueing for the bloody half-customs officers, and cueing for the bloody bus that isn’t there, waiting to take you to the hotel that hasn’t yet been built.
When you finally get to the half-built—-ruin called the Hotel Limassol, while paying half the holiday money to a license Spaniard in a taxi, there’s no water in the pool, there’s no water in the bath, there’s no water in the tap, there’s only a bleeding lizard in the bid�, and half the rooms are doublebooked, and you can’t sleep anyhow, ’cause the permanent are in the jungles in the hotel next door. Meanwhile, the Spanish National Tourist Board promises that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a mild outbreak of the Spanish Conleigh, while the like of the previous outbreak in 1616 even the bloody rats are dying from it!
Narrator As early as the late 14th century, or indeed as late as the early 14th century, the earliest forms of japes
were divisible in…
Mr. Smoketoomuch Meanwhile, the bloody guardia are arresting 16-yearolds for kissing in the streets—-everybody’s buying awful little horrid donkeys with their names on, I can’t tell you the—-and when you finally get to Manchester, there’s only another bloody bus to carry you another 60 miles…