Monty Python’s Previous Record
Monty Python’s Previous Record (1972)
Includes sketchs from Season 2 and 3 of Monty Python’s Flying Circus TV series and several original sketchs.
PLUS BONUS TRACKS: The majority of the sketches included here were recorded during the elephantine session for ‘Monty Python’s Contractual Obligation Album’ in 1980. Produced by Eric Idle, the album leaned toward musical numbers resulted in great swathes of sketch material being jettisoned.
Baxter’s finds John Cleese, as a senior government minister, in the commercial voice-over studio. Mortuary Visit has a tolerant Graham Chapman guide Michael Palin’s staggeringly dim dignitary. Graham’s Flying Fox of the Yard is a memorable shade from the past, mocking the very structure of comedy itself. Four sketches (Meteorology, Blood, Devastation, War & Horror, Great Debate and Is There?) also nostalgically hark back to ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’ and its deconstruction of the television discussion programme.
Meteorology was a particular loss to ‘Contractual Obligation’, with Terry Jones’s faintly condescending interviewer chuckling to himself at John Cleese’s calm and reasonable scientific explanation. Teach Yourself Heath, in which Eric Idle offers instruction on how to sound like the then Conservative Prime Minister Edward Heath, was included on a bonus flexidisc with the initial pressings of ‘Monty Python’s Previous Record’. It was also given away free with the December 1972 issue of ‘Zigzag’ magazine. This bonus selection concludes with three radio adverts for ‘Monty Python’s Big Red Book’, first published by Eyre Methuen in 1971.
SIDE ONE
- 01 Introduction :07 Intro
- 02 Embarrassment 2:25 Embarassment
- 03 Bedtime Book :31 Bedtime
- 04 England 1747 – Dennis Moore :53 Dennis Moore
- 05 Money Programme 1:04 Money
- 06 Money Song :52 Money Song
- 07 Dennis Moore Continues :51 Dennis Moore 2
- 08 Dennis Moore Song :18 Dennis Moore 3
- 09 Austrailian Table Wines 1:26 Aussie Wine
- 10 Dennis Moore Rides Again :18 Dennis Moore 4
- 11 Argument Clinic 3:38 Argument
- 12 How-to-do-it Lessons 1:05 How to Do It
- 13 Dennis Moore Song 2 :04 Dennis Moore 5
- 14 Putting Budgies Down 1:00 Putting the Budgie Down
- 15 Personal Freedom :17 Personal Freedom
- 16 Dennis Moore 6 :18 Dennis Moore Song 3
- 17 Eric the Half a Bee 2:50 Bee
- 18 Eric the Half a Bee Song 2:06 Bee
- 19 What Do You Do Quiz 1:27 Quiz
- 20 Travel Agency 3:46 Travel Agency
SIDE TWO
- 21 Swedish Massage 1 :05 Massage 1
- 22 Silly Noises Quiz 1:21 Silly
- 23 Miss Anne Elk 2:47 Miss Anne Elk
- 24 We Love the Yangtse 1:28 We Love the Yangze
- 25 Yangtse Kiang Song 1:17 Yangtse Kiang Song
- 26 Swedish Massage 2 :11 Massage 2
- 27 A Minute Passed 1:09 A Minute Passed
- 28 Eclipse of the Sun 2:01 Eclipse
- 29 Alistair Cooke :22 Alistair Cooke
- 30 Wonderful World of Sounds 2:05 Wonderful Sounds
- 31 Certified Stiff :19 Stiff
BONUS
- 32 Swedish Massage 3 :08 Massage 3
- 33 Happy Valley 6:42 Happy
- 34 Baxters :31 Baxters
- 35 Meteorology 2:03 Meteor
- 36 Blood Devastation War Horror 1:06 Blood
- 37 Great Debate :47 Great
- 38 Mortuary Visit 1:47 Mortuary
- 39 Flying Fox of the Yard 1:10 Flying Fox
- 40 Is There :54 Happy
- 41 Teach Yourself Heath 5:39 Heath
- 43 Book Ad :58 Book
- 43 Big Red Bowl 1:00 Big Red Bowl
- 44 Pepperpots :20 Pepperpots
- 45 Pellagra :51 Pellagra
SIDE ONE
01 Introduction :07 Introduction
Man Terry Jones
Man Not this record! Not this record! Not this record! AHHHH!
(needle scratches across record)
02 Embarrassment 2:25 Embarrassment
FIRST ANNOUNCER Eric Idle
DR KARL GRUBER Michael Palin)
ASSISTANT John Cleese
LADY IN RESTAURANT Carol Cleveland
SECOND ANNOUNCER Graham Chapman
ALAN HUTCHINSON John Cleese
FIRST ANNOUNCER Are you embarrassed easily? I am. But it’s nothing to worry about; it’s all part of growing up and being British. This course is designed to eliminate embarrassment, to enable you to talk freely about rude objects, to look at awkward and embarrassing things and to point at people’s privates. The course has been designed by Dr. Karl Gruber of the Institute of Going a Bit Red in Helsinki. Here, he himself introduces the course.
DR KARL GRUBER Hello! My name is Karl Gruber. Thank you for inviting me into your home. My method is the result of six years work here at the institute in which subjects were exposed to simulated embarrassment predicaments over a prolonged fart – PERIOD! – TIME!! [farts] Sorry.
Lesson one: Words. Do any of these words [farts] embarrass you?
ASSISTANT “Shoe” ….. “Megaphone” ….. “Grunties”.
DR KARL GRUBER Now let’s go on to something ruder.
ASSISTANT “Wankel Rotary Engine”.
DR KARL GRUBER Now lesson two: noises. Noises are a major embarrassment source. Even words like “****”, “winkle” and “vibraphone” cannot rival the embarrassment potential of sounds. Listen to this…if you can:
[embarrassing noise]
DR KARL GRUBER How do you rate your embarrassment response? (a) High (b) Hello (c) Good evening. If (c), you are loosening up and will soon be ready for this:
[embarrassing noise]
DR KARL GRUBER Well, how did you rate? (a) Embarrassed (b) Hello (c) Good evening. Now lesson three, in which these rude and dirty sounds are combined with smutty visual suggestions into an embarrassment simulation situation [fart]. You are the waiter at this table:
LADY IN RESTAURANT Charles, I’ve got something to show you … [sound of top unzipping and John Thomas flopping onto table]
DR KARL GRUBER Score (5) for no embarrassment, score (3) for slight embarrassment, and (1) for …..
SECOND ANNOUNCER Good evening. A Book at Bedtime. Alan Hutchinson reads another extract from a series of bedside books.
ALAN HUTCHINSON Number 32. The lady lies with her left leg planted firmly on the ground and the right hand waiting. The gentleman with the melon switches on the battery and places his left thigh on the edge of the swivel table, keeping the neck of the…
(fades out to music)
03 Book at Bedtime :31 Book at Bedtime
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 12 sketch 2
04 England 1747 – Dennis Moore :53 Dennis Moore 1
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 11 sketch 2
05 Money Programme 1:04 Money
HOST Eric Idle
HOST Good evening, and welcome to The Money Programme. Tonight on The Money Programme, we’re going to look at money. Lots of it. On film, and in the studio. Some of it in nice piles, others in lovely clanky bits of loose change. Some of it neatly counted into fat little hundreds, delicate fivers stuffed into bulging wallets, nice crisp clean checks, pert pieces of copper coinage thrust deep into trouser pockets, romantic foreign money rolling against the thigh with rough familiarity, beautiful wayward curlicued banknotes, filigree copperplating cheek by jowl with tumbling hexagonal milled edges rubbing gently against the terse leather of beautifully balanced bankbooks! ….I’m sorry.
HOST But I love money. All money. I’ve always wanted money. To handle! To touch! The smell of the rain-washed florin! The lure of the lira! The glitter and the glory of the guinea! The romance of the ruble! The feel of the franc! The heel of the deutschmark! The cold antiseptic sting of the Swiss franc! And the sunburnt splendor of the Australian dollar!
06 Money Song :52 Money Song
HOST Eric Idle
I’ve got ninety thousand pounds in my pyjamas.
I’ve got forty thousand French francs in my fridge.
I’ve got lots of lovely lire.
Now the Deutschmark’s getting dearer,
And my dollar bills would buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money.
There is nothing quite as beautiful as cash.
Some people say it’s folly,
But I’d rather have the lolly.
With money you can make a splash.
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money (Money, money, money, money)
There is nothing like a newly minted pound (Money, money, money, money)
Everyone must hanker
For the butchness of a banker.
It’s accountancy that makes the world go ’round (’round, ’round, ’round)
You can keep your Marxist ways,
For it’s only just a phase,
For it’s money, money, money makes the world go ’round.
(Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, moneeeeey!)
07 Dennis Moore Continues :51 Dennis Moore Continues
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 11 sketch 2
08 Dennis Moore Song :18 Dennis Moore Song
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 11 sketch 2
09 Austrailian Table Wines 1:26 Aussie Wines
Australian Wine Expert Eric Idle
Australian Wine Expert A lot of people in this country pooh-pooh Australian table wines. This is a pity as many fine Australian wines appeal not only to the Australian palate but also to the cognoscenti of Great Britain.
Black Stump Bordeaux is rightly praised as a peppermint flavored Burgundy, whilst a good Sydney Syrup can rank with any of the world’s best sugary wines. Château Blue, too, has won many prizes; not least for its taste, and its lingering afterburn. Old Smokey 1968 has been compared favorably to a Welsh claret, whilst the Australian Wino Society thoroughly recommends a 1970 Coq du Rod Laver, which, believe me, has a kick on it like a mule. Eight bottles of this and you’re really finished. At the opening of the Sydney Bridge Club, they were fishing them out of the main sewers every half an hour.
Of the sparkling wines, the most famous is Perth Pink. This is a bottle with a message in and the message is “beware”. This is not a wine for drinking; this is a wine for laying down and avoiding.
Another good fighting wine is Melbourne Old & Yellow, which is particularly heavy and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.
Quite the reverse is true of Château Chunder, which is an appellation contrôlée, specially grown for those keen on regurgitation; a fine wine which really opens up the sluices at both ends. Real emetic fans will also go for a Hobart Muddy and a prize winning Cuivre Reserve Château Bottled Nuit San Wagga Wagga, which has a bouquet like an aborigine’s armpit.
10 Dennis Moore Rides Again :18 Dennis Moore Rides Again
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 11 sketch 6
11 Argument Clinic 3:38 Argument
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 3 sketch 8
12 How-to-Do-It 1:05 How to Do It
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 2 sketch 3
13 Dennis Moore Song 2 :04 Dennis Moore Song 2
Chorus Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore, he’s not in this bit.
14 Putting Budgies Down 1:00 Putting the Budgie Down
Mrs. Premise John Cleese
Mrs. Conclusion Graham Chapman
Mrs. Conclusion Hello, Mrs. Premise!
< Mrs. Premise Ooh, hello Mrs. Conclusion!
Mrs. Conclusion Busy day?
Mrs. Premise Busy!? I just spent four hours burying the cat.
Mrs. Conclusion Four hours to bury the cat?
Mrs. Premise Yes, it wouldn’t keep still, wriggling about, ‘owling.
Mrs. Conclusion Oh, it’s not dead then?
Mrs. Premise Oh no no, but it’s not at all a well cat and as we’re going away for a fortnight, I thought to better bury it just to be on the safe side.
Mrs. Conclusion Right, right. You don’t want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat, do you?
Mrs. Premise Yes.
Mrs. Conclusion We’ve decided to have the budgie put down.
Mrs. Premise Oh, is it very old, then?
Mrs. Conclusion No, we just don’t like it.
Mrs. Premise Ohh…How do they put budgies down?
Mrs. Conclusion It’s funny you should ask that. I’ve been reading a great big book on how to put your budgie down, and evidently, you can either hit them with the book or you can shoot them there, just above the beak.
Mrs. Premise Mmmm…Mrs. Essence flushed hers down the loo.
Mrs. Conclusion Oh, that’s dangerous, ’cause they breed in the sewers and eventually you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedom.
15 Personal Freedom :17 Personal Freedom
Announcer 1 Michael Palin
Announcer 2 Eric Idle
(chimes ring)
Announcer 1 Personal freedom infringed? Ring Slater-Nazi: City 0478 or if closed, the Department of Trade and Industry
(male voices saying “oh oh oh!”)
Announcer 2 Fourth gentleman required to share large Hampstead gentleman
(male voices saying “oh oh oh!”)
16 Dennis Moore Song 3 :18 Dennis Moore Song 3
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 11 sketch 6
17 Fish Licence 2:50 Bee
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 2 episode 10 sketch 4
18 Eric the Half a Bee Song 2:06 Bee Song
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 2 episode 10 sketch 4
19 What Do You Do Quiz 1:27 Radio Quiz
Host Eric Idle
Lord Lupus Michael Palin
Deaconess of Detroit Carol Cleveland
(spritely quiz show music plays)
(SIGN reads WHAT DO YOU — the word “DO” has a bull’s-eye painted in the letter O. As innocuous game show music plays, we pull back and pan down to reveal a game show set with a host and two cheerful contestants. The fast-talking host, in a garish plaid suit, addresses the camera, his lengthy spiel punctuated by appropriate sound effects.)
Host Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of “What Do You [cuckoo]?” — a new game show loosely based on all the old game shows. The rules are very simple. Each week, we shall ask a team of two personalities — Lord Lupus …
Lord Lupus Hello.
Host … and the Deaconess of Detroit …
Deaconess Hello.
Host … a series of questions in either [bell] category, [buzzer] category, or special category [gunshot]. If they get it right, they get a [organ ta-dah]. And if they get the wrong answer, they get a [raspberry] from the studio audience.
At the end of the contest, they will hear this — [large gong] — and they must stop immediately. At any point in the proceedings they may be given a [ah-oo-gah car horn] which means they can ask for another question. Or if they hear a [alarm bell] — it’s the fire alarm.
When they want to interrupt a [bell] question or a [buzzer] question but not a [gunshot] question, they must press their special buttons. Lord Lupus, will you press yours?
[Lord Lupus presses his button and we hear Beethoven’s 5th chords]
And, Deaconess, yours.
[The Deaconess presses her button and we hear Goofy Horns tune]
If they get it right, they get fifteen points on the scoreboards here, four letters on the blackboard for each correct part, and a shot from our Mystery Gunner.
[As we hear the sound of an arrow flying through the air and making a springboard sound, the host watches an actual arrow fired into the bull’s-eye of the game’s sign overhead. Close shot of the arrow sticking out of the sign.]
Like so. In the event of a tie, I shall start the clock. [starts the clock which ticks loudly] Like so. [stops clock] And there will be a choice of either a [organ ta-dah] or a [raspberry] for the first of either the [Beethoven’s 5th] contestant or the [Goofy Tune #2] contestant who can make the Golden Word “Birmingham” from his four letters.
And he will get a [crowd cheer] — which means that he’s this week’s winner.
Right. Well, those, very simply, are the rules. We’ll be back again same time next week. Till then, good-bye from Lord Lupus.
Lord Lupus Goodbye!
Host And from the Deaconess of Detroit.
Deaconess Goodbye!
Host And, from me, it’s [cymbal crash plus theme song]
20 Travel Agency 3:46 Travel Agency
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 5 sketch 6
SIDE TWO
21 A Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister 1 :05 Massage 1
Announcer Graham Chapman
Announcer And now, a Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister
(sounds of hands slapping on skin giving massage)
22 Silly Noises Quiz 1:21 Silly
Host John Cleese
Bournemouth Terry Jones
Goole Eric Idle
(various silly noises, machines, bells, whistles, animals, footsteps, music etc.)
HostToday on Silly Noises our two teams are the Bournemouth and District Amateur Gynaecologists …who take on our visitors today, from Goole in Yorkshire, the Humber and District Catholic River-Wideners Club.
And it’s Bournemouth’s turn to choose the first subject, Bournemouth?
Bournemouth Clay pigeon shooting please
Host No, Goole?
Goole eh History?
Host Yes well done Goole. And so Goole go a point ahead in Silly Noises this week and here’s history: What famous nineteenth centruy foreign minister made this sound when you pushed him?
? ni ni nin i ninininniinininininin
Goole Lord Aberdeen?
Host Yes three points. And now Bournemouth.
Bournemouth Yes
Host Wrong the answer is a Pederast no points there. Goole your second history question, what European treaty was signed to the sound of this?
? kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty
Goole The Franco Prussian Allaince of 1821?
Host Yes indeed no mistaking that. Now Bournemouth are you ready?
Bournemouth Yes
Host No bad luck rather a difficult one no points. And so with Goole leading 7 points to nil we’re going to suddenly stop the game.
23 Miss Anne Elk 2:47 Miss Anne Elk
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 5 sketch 7
24 Yangtze Kiang Sketch 1:28 Yangtze Kiang Sketch
Host Terry Jones
Bob Wilson Graham Chapman
Peter Shilton Eric Idle
Sprake, Leeds-United John Cleese
Brian Craft Eric Idle
Bill Shankly Michael Palin
(restful music suggesting waves and rivers plays)
Host Yangtze Kiang, the great yellow river, which, from time immemorial has fascinated and tantalized the hearts and minds of men from all corners of the Earth. Bob Wilson, Arsenal.
Bob Wilson A Wondrous river. Broad banks are swelling, home to a race of fish.
Host Peter Shilton, Leicester.
Peter Shilton O Yangtse. O Yangtse, Beautiful river. River full of fish.
Host Sprake, Leeds-United.
Sprake Yang tse Kiang, river of the eastern dream. Teeming with carp and trout and perch and bream.
Host Why is it that so many of Britain’s top goalies feel moved to by the river yangtse. Brian Craft.
Brian Craft Well, I must remember, David, are the these goalies, especialy Wilson, and on occasion, Gordon West of Everton, are the romantics, the dreamers. The Yangtse is symbol for them, for them it’s a box, David, a temple is far as a spiritual a continuity.
Host Bill Shankly.
Bill Shankly O it’s a river of many moods. To young goaly like a Peter Shilton, Yangtse is a beautiful river. To more seasoned goaly like Phil Parkes of Wolves, Yangtse a river bring me to of dissolution lampishen another it is good.
25 Yangtse Song 1:17 Yangtze Song
Chorus
We love the Yangtse, Yangtse-Kiang,
Flowing from Yushu down to Ching-Kiang,
Passing through Chung King, Wuhan and Hoo-Kow
Three thousand miles, but it gets there somehow.
Oh! Szechuan’s the province and Shanghai is the port,
And the Yangtse is the river that we all support.
We love the Yangtse, Yangtse-Kiang,
Flowing from Yushu down to Ching-Kiang,
Passing through Chung King, Wuhan and Hoo-Kow
Three thousand miles, but it gets there somehow.
Oh! Szechuan’s the province and Shanghai is the port,
And the Yangtse is the river that we all support.
[clapping]
Yangtse!
[clapping]
Yangtse!
26 A Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister 2 :11 Massage 2
Announcer Graham Chapman
Announcer And now, a Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister
(sounds of hands slapping on skin giving massage)
27 A Minute Passed 1:09 A Minute Passed
John Finlissom Eric Idle
Announcer Graham Chapman
John Finlissom Hesitantly, reluctantly, Helen slipped out of a sling, tight-waisted waspy and stood naked in the moonlight before me. Somewhere a clock chimed three. An owl hooted in the nearby copse. No wind stirred the casement window. She stood in the pale, translucent light on the Persian carpet. A minute passed. Then another. Then, another minute. Then… another minute passed. Then another minute passed. And another. A further minute passed quickly, followed by another minute, when suddenly, a different minute passed, followed by another different minute. And another. And yet another further different minute. A minute passed. I glanced at my watch. It was a minute past. This was it. A minute passed. After a moment, another minute passed. I waited a minute while a minute passed quickly past. And then, a minute which seemed to last an hour but was only a minute… passed.
Announcer That was ‘A Minute Passed’, by John Finlissom. You can hear Episode Nine of ‘A Minute Passsed’ tomorrow night at a minute past.
28 Eclipse of the Sun 2:01 Eclipse
Announcer Terry Gilliam
Brian John Cleese
Peter Eric Idle
Jim Graham Chapman
Announcer And now (fanfare) for the first time ever on record (fanfare) we proudly present the 1972 Eclipse of the sun! (fanfare)
Well, here we are at Lords, waiting for the eclipse of the sun. Peter.
Peter (Eric Idle) Yes, the ground’s in tip-top condition and I think we can expect some first rate eclipsing this morning Brian.
Brian Well, we’re certainly all looking forward to it very much up here. Jim.
And to look at the eclipse of the sun through…
Peter Of the sun through?
Jim Yes, to look at the eclipse of the sun through…
Brian I don’t understand.
Jim To look through, at the eclipse of the sun…
Brian What?
Jim I haven’t finished. We have this, ooh, surely, magnificent…
Brian Absolutely.
Jim …quite superb…
Brian Here, here.
Jim Quite agree.
Peter What?
Jim Eh… piece of smoked glass.
Brian Absolutely.
Jim Which must be fully… ooh…
Brian easily…
Peter Must be!
Brian Absolutely.
Jim No question.
Peter Jolly good!
Announcer Start again!
Jim Well, here we are at Lord’s with this piece of smoked trout…
Peter …glass!
Jim Oh, please? Oh, oh, glass! Waiting quite superbly for the eclipse of the sunlike object.
Brian And here, if I’m very much mistaken, comes the eclipse.
Jim Yes, you are very much mistaken. Here it comes. Peter.
Peter Yes, I can’t see anyone stopping it now!
Brian No, it’s all over bar the shouting.
Jim The sands of time must surely be drawing to a close for this plucky solar… (thunder) …oh!?
Brian Oh!?
Peter Oh!?
Jim Oh.
Brian Rain!
Peter Rain!
Jim Rain. Uh-hmm. Well, what a shame, the rain is beginning to come down now here at Lord’s.
Brian Light’s going, too.
Peter Yes, going really quite fast.
Jim Mind you, it’s getting quite murky up here now.
Brian You can hardly see your glass in front of your face.
Jim What a shame. Well, that’s it from Lord’s then, I’m afraid, but we’ll be back here again the moment there is any sign of improvement.
29 Alistair Cooke :22 Alistair Cooke
Narrator Michael Palin
Alistair Cooke Eric Idle
Narrator Well, while we’re waiting to take you back to Lord’s, we play you a recording of Alistair Cook being attacked by a duck.
Alistair Cooke I can never visit Philadelphia without being reminded of the story of the Texan… (quack quack!)…Pennsylvania’s ancient capital… (quack quack!)…happened to visit Arturo’s, the famous fish restaurant… (loud quacking!)…custom of this traditionally- (beeping)
30 Wonderful World of Sounds 2:05 Wonderful Sounds
Announcer Michael Palin
(beeps)
Announcer Hello and welcome to the Wonderful World of Sounds.
(roaring sound)
Announcer Yes, the sound of a common household ant magnified three hundred thousand times. And now the sound of a tiny cockroach sneezing magnified 60 millions times.
(achoo) (roaring sound)
Announcer See how it frightened the ant OOOOOOWWW got my finger in a drawer there. Even the sound of a tse-tse fly picking its nose magnified only seventy-five thousand times frightened the ant!
(scraping sound (roaring sound) (high-pitched screaming sound)
..and the tiny woodlouse as well OOWWW the chair! OW Jesus Christ
Off-stage voice Shut-up!
Announcer Sorry! (kicks over bucket) Well now listen to this, (rubbing sound) the sound of an African anteater rubbing Vick on its chest! WOW! Hey hey, isn’t that exciting?
Off-stage voice Shut-up!
Announcer Sorry! (breaking glass) But can a black ant get hold of Vick Vapo-rub? Well no, but it can ask a FRIEND to get him some! Listen to this, magnified ninety-two thousand times, the sound of the vicious Afghan prancer lizard visiting the chemist…
(longish pause, sound of bell as chemist’s door opens, sound of coins in cash register)
Announcer Isn’t nature wonderful!? Hey Hey yeah yeah yeah yeah! And now a herd of zebras visiting the same chemist to ask for something for the week-end!
(sound of pounding hooves of a herd of zebras going left to right)
(sound of bell as chemist’s door opens, sound of coins in cash register)
(sound of pounding hooves of a herd of zebras going right to left, zebra whinnies)
Announcer and Finally – (something hits him) oh God! – Finally some eyedrops being bought in the chemist just down the street by a Bengal Tiger!
(sound of bell as chemist’s door opens, tiger roars)
Off-stage voice (attacked by tiger) Christ!
(sound of coins in cash register, screams, tiger continues roaring, woman screams)
Announcer aw Christ – hey the tiger is savaging the zebras -they’ve trampled the wood louse – oh Christ the chair
(various alarums and excursions, roaring, hooves)
Announcer Ahh! Oh God Almighty!
Off-stage voice Shut-up!
Announcer Sorry! SORRY! (gunshot)
31 Certified Stiff :19 Stiff
Announcer Eric Idle
(chimes)
Announcer Dead? Ring Arthur Sargeant of Prestatyn, the fastest funeral service in North Wales! We will get the deceased out of the house and down the chute within the hour. Free wine glasses with every certified stiff. Ring 0402187 if you’re about to snuff it, and our Fiat 850 will be at your door within 10 minutes. Also Danish and Scandinavian books. see everything.
BONUS TRACKS
32 A Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister 3 :08 Massage 3
Announcer Graham Chapman
Announcer And now, a Massage from the Swedish Prime Minister
(sounds of hands slapping on skin giving massage)
33 Happy Valley 6:42 Happy Valley
Narrator John Cleese
Prosecutor Terry Jones
Gaspar Sletts Michael Palin
Defense Eric Idle
Judge Graham Chapman
King Otto Terry Jones
Princess Mitzi Carol Cleveland
Prince Charming Michael Palin
Prince Walter Michael Palin
Queen Syllabub Graham Chapman
Tobaccanist Graham Chapman
(fairy tale music)
Narrator Once upon a time, long, long ago, there lived in a valley far, far away in the mountains, the most contented kingdom the world had ever known. It was called ‘Happy Valley’, and it was ruled over by a wise old king called Otto. And all his subjects flourished and were happy, and there were no discontents or grumblers, because wise King Otto had had them all put to death along with the trade union leaders many years before. And all the good happy folk of Happy Valley sang and danced all day long. And anyone who was for any reason miserable or unhappy or who had any difficult personal problems was prosecuted under the ‘Happiness Act’.
(Sounds of laughter and giggling. A hammer strikes a gavel. Giggling continues throughout)
Prosecutor (Not giggling) Gaspar Sletts, I put it to you that on February the Fifth of this year, you were very depressed with malice aforethought, and that you moaned quietly contrary to the Cheerful Noises Act.
Gaspar Sletts (Also not giggling) I did.
Defense (Not giggling, too) May I just explain, m’lud, that the reason for my clients behavior was that his wife had died that morning?
(This elicits big laughs. Judge bangs gavel again)
Judge (laughing) I sentence you to be hanged by the neck until you cheer up.
(More laughter)
Narrator And whilst the good folk of Happy Valley tenaciously frolicked away, their wise old king, who was a merry old thing, played strange songs on his Hammond Organ up in the beautiful castle where he lived with the gracious Queen Syllabub, and their lovely daughter Mitzi Gaynor, who had fabulous tits and an enchanting smile, and wooden teeth which she had bought at a chemist’s in Augsburgh, despite the fire risk.
She treasured these teeth, which were made of the finest pine and she varnished them after every meal. And next to her teeth, her dearest love was her pet dog, Herman. She would take Herman for long walks and pet and fuss over him all day, and steal him tasty tidbits which he never ate, because sadly, he was dead. And no one had had the heart to tell her, because she was so sweet and innocent, and knew nothing of gastroenteritis or plastic hip joints, or even personal hygiene.
One day, while she was pulling Herman round the lawn, she suddenly fell in love with the most beautiful young man she had ever seen, naturally assuming him to be a prince. Well, luckily he was a prince. So she looked him up in the Observer’s Book of Princes, learned his name, and went and introduced the subject of marriage. And, in what seemed like the twinkling of an eye, but was in fact a fortnight, they were on their way to her father’s court to ask his permission to wed.
King Otto (accompanied by Hammond organ) Yowtie buggetty, rum fing f-tooo, Ni! Ni! Ni! Yow-oooo!!
(applause)
King Otto Thank you, thank you, thank you…
Princess Mitzi Daddy?
King Otto Yes, daughter?
Princess Mitzi This is Charming, who wants to marry me.
King Otto Is he a prince?
Princess Mitzi Yes!
King Otto Is he in the book?
Princess Mitzi Yes!
King Otto Oh, very well. Before I can give my permission, young man, I must set you a task, which, if you succeed, will prove you worthy of my daughter’s hand.
Prince Charming Yes, sir, I accept.
King Otto Good. At nine o’clock tomorrow morning, armed only with your sword, you must go to the highest tower in the castle, and jump out of the window.
Narrator And so, early the next morning, the young Prince Charming, dressed in a beautiful white robe, and gripping his magic sword, plummetted to a painful death.
(terrifed scream, followed by a squish then laughter)
Princess Mitzi Can we get married now, Daddy?
King Otto No, my dear, he wasn’t worthy of you.
Princess Mitzi Oh, will he have to go into the ground like all the others?
King Otto Hmm, that’s a good idea for a song, er… (accompanied by Hammond organ) Yum-yum, yum-yum-dee buggetty, rum fing f-tooo, Yi! Ni! Ni! Yow-oooo!!
(the king is joined by a chorus of singers)
Chorus of Singers (accompanied by Hammond organ) Yowtie buggetty, rum fing f-tooo, Ni! Ni! Ni! Yow-oooo!!
Narrator One day, when Princess Mitzi was out hopefully kissing frogs, she spotted a flash of gold beneath a weeping willow tree, and there, sure enough, was a prince. He was rather thin and spotty, with a long nose and bandy legs, and nasty unpolished plywood teeth, and bad breath, and a rare foot disease, ‘But’, thought Mitzi, ‘a prince is a prince,’ and she fell in love with him without another thought and rushed into his arms. And after a time, or a few times anyway, he too fell in love with her, and very soon they were on their way to ask King Otto’s permission to wed.
King Otto(accompanied by Hammond organ) Yowtie buggetty, rum ting f-tooo…
Princess Mitzi Hello, Daddy!
King Otto Ni! Ni! Ni!
Princess Mitzi Hello, Daddy!
King Otto Yow…oh, hello Mitzi!
Princess Mitzi This is Prince Walter, who wants to marry me.
King Otto Is he in the book?
Princess Mitzi And in the foreword.
King Otto(in a low, grumbling voice) Oh, Hello, Walter.
Prince Walter PRINCE Walter!
King Otto You little…
Queen Syllabub Otto!
King Otto Oh, sorry! So, you want to marry my daughter, do you?
Prince Walter Perhaps. (sniffles loudly)
Princess Mitzi Oh, say you do, Walter!
Prince Walter Yeah, all right.
King Otto Well, in that case, I must set you a task, so that you can prove yourself worthy of my daughter’s hand.
Prince Walter Why?
King Otto Because she’s a fucking princess, that’s why! I’m sorry. Before you can marry my daughter, you must go to the highest tower…
Queen Syllabub Otto!
King Otto Uh, oh, you must, oh… go down to the town and get me twenty Rothmans.
Prince Walter What, now?
King Otto No, tomorrow morning!
Narrator And so, early next morning, single-handed, armed only with 40p, Prince Walter set out for the tobaccanist’s. Yard after yard he walked. Minute after minute ticked by. His body breathed in, and breathed out. Until…
(door bell jingles)
Prince Walter Twenty Rothmans, please.
Tobaccanist Certainly, sir.
(cash register bell rings)
(crowd cheering)
Narrator How all the happy residents of Happy Valley cheered Prince Walter as he walked back up the hill in triumph. But just as he was approaching the castle, he was run over by a London bus, which only goes to show.
(sound of brakes screeching, Prince Walter’s last gasp)
Narrator And the moral of the story is… Smoking can ruin your health. The End.
34 Baxters :31 Baxters
Man Terry Jones
Engineer Eric Idle
Minister John Cleese
(door opens)
Man The Minister for Defence is here
Engineer Send him into the studio.
Engineer (through the studio talkback) Ah, Good Morning minister.
Minister Morning. I have to get back to the Commons for debate so can I get straight on with it?
Engineer Yes, certainly Minister. If you want to practice then just let me know when you feel confident…
Minister No, no no, I’m ready.
Engineer Ok, (pushes record button) rolling
(drum counts in)
Minister with Chorus, singing
Light as a golden bubble (bubble bubble bubble bubble)
Rising high in the sky (sky sky sky sky)
Bread by a Baxter’s for your kids
Gives a softness you should try (yeah)
(spoken)
Well, OK, how was that.
35 Meteorology 2:03 Meteorology
Host Terry Jones
Meteorologist John Cleese
Mr. Tappet Terry Jones
Host And next we hear from a man who claims he can forecast the weather simply by looking at the sky, studying meteorological charts and taking bariograph readings.
Meteorologist Good evening
Host (scoffs) Is this a gift you were born with?
Meteorologist No, no I went to meteorological college when I was 16 and spent four years there, and then worked started work at the meteorological office where I’ve been for the last, uh, 20 years.
Host I see. And, and just by that, you can tell what the weather will be like two or three days you say?
Meteorologist Uh, ah well, I also study current isometric charts and the new weather satellites are a great help.
Host (archly) And I suppose these satellites whiz around the world and sending messages back to Earth which tell us what the weather is going to be like.
Meteorologist Well, yes.
Host But don’t you find that a lot of people are going to say that this is just a lot of old wive’s tales?
Meteorologist Well no, we can be fairly accurate.
Host I mean, is it just like people who say if you get a couple of jet engines and some wings you can fly?
Meteorologist Yes, well I suppose it is.
Host Well maybe one day when we’re all flying around in the air you’ll be able to use your charts and weather satellites to make sure it’s nice weather for us.
Meteorologist Well, that’s one of our main functions, aviation meteorology, yes.
Host I see. Well, thank you Mr. Tinsdale, who claims he can tell what the weather’s going to be like with meteorology.
Meteorologist Do I go out this way? (door closes)
Host Our next guest on “Stranger Than Fiction” has with him a small mechanism with a tube at one end, called strangely enough a “barrel” and attached to this is a small, curved piece of metal which is worked by the finger, and if pressed, can, and this is the really amazing claim, make a small piece of metal fly out of this barrel and into the air.
Host Mr. Tappet it certainly looks ingenious, but, what do you call it.
Mr. Tappet It’s a clock.
Host And how does it work?
Mr. Tappet Uh well, you put it down by the skirting board, near, but not too near the mousehole, and when the mouse pops his head out the mechanism comes down like that and here you have a reading light.
36 Blood Devastation War Horror 1:06 Blood
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 4 sketch 1
37 Great Debate :47 Great Debate
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 11 sketch 5
38 Mortuary Visit 1:47 Mortuary Visit
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 9 sketch 6
39 Flying Fox of the Yard 1:10 Flying Fox of the Yard
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 3 sketch 9
40 Is There :54 Is There
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 10 sketch 6
41 Teach Yourself Heath 5:39 Teach Yourself Heath
Announcer 1 Graham Chapman
Announcer 2 Eric Idle
Announcer 3 Michael Palin
Edmund Heath himself
Announcer 1 Home Tutor Language Course. Number 14, Heath.
Announcer 2 This record is to help you speak fluent “Heath”, for business purposes, for social reasons or simply for pleasure.
Announcer 3 The exercises have been devised by Earl Thompson and students are referred to a special booklet entitled ‘In Other Words’ available from most stockists.
(soft rock music)
Announcer 2 Part 1. Beginners Heath. Lesson One: Heath as it is spoken.
Edmund Heath “We stand now on the threshold to a period of growth and prosperity unparalleled since the war.”
Announcer 2 Well that was pretty simple, wasn’t it. Let’s listen to it again, only this time, let’s listen closely to that vowel sound “ow” in the word “now”.
Edmund Heath “We stand now on the threshold to a period of growth and prosperity unparalleled since the war.”
Announcer 2 “now”
Edmund Heath “now”
Announcer 2 The most common use of this “ow” sound in Heath, is in the word “our”. Let’s see how it’s used, and this time will you all join in with the speaker?
Edmund Heath
…”our revolution”…
…”our selves”…
…”our party”…
…”our offer”…
…”our plan”…
…”our society”…
…”our determination”…
…”our prior mandate”…
…”always been ours”…
Announcer 2 Notice how that “s” is sounded when it comes at the end of a phrase.
Edmund Heath …”always been ours”…
Announcer 2 Let’s try that now in an exercise that has specially been designed for the “ow” sounds.
Edmund Heath “Our special strength is our stamina. Our special strength lies in our sense of hist’ry.”
Announcer 2 Notice how in Heath, the word “history” becomes “hist’ry”.
Edmund Heath …”hist’ry”…
Announcer 2 Try it.
Edmund Heath …”hist’ry”…
Announcer 2 This “ow” sound that we are learning crops up in many very similar words, for example “down”
Edmund Heath …”they’re down“…
Announcer 2 “housing”
Edmund Heath “housing”
Announcer 2 “profoundly”
Edmund Heath “profoundly”
Announcer 2 and “background”
Edmund Heath “background”
Announcer 2 Let’s hear this in a phrase.
Edmund Heath …”to stamp out lawless picketing”…
Announcer 2 Try it
Edmund Heath …”to stamp out lawless picketing”…
Announcer 2 Good. Before we move on, let’s listen to a phrase involving, or in Heath:
Edmund Heath “involving”
Announcer 2 …all three of our “ow” sounds, “our”, “now”, “about”.
Edmund Heath …”for our future is now about”…
Announcer 2 Once more, and don’t forget to join in with the speaker.
Edmund Heath …”for our future is now about”…
Announcer 2 Good. Well now, for the next part of our course we’re going to look at conversational Heath. Remember, in Heath there are no quick and easy answers.
Edmund Heath “There are no quick and easy answers.”
Announcer 2 Once again.
Edmund Heath “There are no quick and easy answers.”
Announcer 2 There are no people knocking at the front door. There are no cakes in my cupboard. Let’s try this in conversation: “There are no grapefruit at this time of year in our house.”
Edmund Heath “Those who claim that there are show that they do not understand the real nature of the problem.”
Announcer 2 Remember that key sound “ah”
Edmund Heath …”not just another argy-bargy“…
Announcer 2 Try it.
Edmund Heath …”not just another argy-bargy“…
Announcer 2 Again.
Edmund Heath …”not just another argy-bargy“…
Announcer 2 Good. Of course, not all Heath is as fluent as this…
Edmund Heath …”we hear a good day, a good deal these days”…
Announcer 2 …and sometimes the sentence construction is deliberately muddling:
Edmund Heath “Our revolution has been paralleled by a global evolution, much of it predictable, and all of it, many would say, in time, inevitable.”
Announcer 2 Don’t worry if you don’t understand everything at first. This is only normal. Let’s just hear that rather complicated little bit again:
Edmund Heath “Our revolution has been paralleled by a global evolution, much of it predictable, and all of it, many would say, in time, inevitable.”
Announcer 2 Fine. To close this first lesson in Heath, we’re going to try some simple exercises. Are you ready to try?
Edmund Heath “No, it can’t be done.”
Announcer 2 Hmmp (smirks). Well, that’s what we’re going to reply to each of the following questions: Can it be done?
Edmund Heath “No, it can’t be done.”
Announcer 2 Can it be done, Nigel?
Edmund Heath “No, it can’t be done.”
Announcer 2 Can Sally buy fish from the sweet shop?
Edmund Heath “No, it can’t be done.”
Announcer 2 Got the idea? Good. Let’s try some more, only this time we’re going to try the Heath positives, as well as the Heath negatives. All right?
Edmund Heath “Yes. We’re going to have a trial.”
Announcer 2 Shall we all speak like this?
Edmund Heath “Yes, this is how it should be.”
Announcer 2 Shall we do it this way now Jane?
Edmund Heath “No, we never did it this way before.”
Announcer 2 Shall I go and see the doctor?
Edmund Heath “No, leave the lad, it might stop Galway.
Announcer 2 Good. Well, that’s the end of this first lesson in contemporary Heath. Before the next lesson we want you to make up a sentence in Heath using the following words and phrases:
Edmund Heath
…”our imperial heritage”…
…”a strong Britain”…
…”fed to the teeth with this humbug”…
…”argy-bargy”…
Announcer 2 Do you think you can do that?
Edmund Heath “Yes. We came to have a try.”
(music)
42 Book Ad :58 Book Ad
Narrator Michael Palin
(ominous music with church bells)
Narrator Once in a lifetime, there comes a book which is not like other books. A book so different from other books that it is unlike any other books. A book whose comparitability with other books is just not on. One such book, which has achieved this peculiar dissimilarity to other books, this lack of resemblance to books whose homogeneity is in marked contrast to the dissemblance with this book, is Monty Python’s Big Rude Book- eh, mm, sorry Red Book, I understand I’m very sorry, I’ll start again.
Once in a lifetime, there comes a book which is not like other books… (fades out)
43 Big Red Bowl 1:00 Big Red Bowl
Country Singer Terry Jones
(country guitar and bass)
Country Singer
It’s the funniest book in this funny old world
It’ll have you on the floor
If you read it once and you read it twice
You’ll still want to read it more
It’s wacky zany crazy funny
Witty daft and droll
It’s the funniest book in this funny old world
Monty Python’s Big Red Bowl
It’s the funniest book in this funny old world
It’ll have you on the floor…
Announcer (over singing, which continues There is a correction in the lyrics of this jingle. The last verse should have been:
It’s wacky zany crazy funny
Witty daft and drook
It’s the funniest thing in this funny old world
Monty Python’s Big Red Book
Country Singer (continues)
It’s the funniest book in this funny old world
Monty Python’s Big Red Bowl
It’s the funniest book in this funny old world
It’ll have you on the floor
If you read it once and you read it twice
You’ll still want to read it more
It’s wacky zany crazy funny…
Announcer (over singing, which continues Now let’s see if we can all spot the mistakes this time around
Country Singer …Witty daft and droll
Announcer (over singing, which continues Another one…
Country Singer It’s the funniest book in this funny old world
Monty Python’s Big Red Bowl
(fades out)
44 Pepperpots :20 Pepperpots
Adapted later for Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 4 episode 4 sketch 7 “Piston Engine”
MRS NON-GORILLA Graham Chapman
MRS GORILLA Terry Jones
Mrs Non-Gorilla Morning Mrs Gorilla.
Mrs Gorilla Morning Mrs Non-Gorilla.
Mrs Non-Gorilla Where have you been, shopping?
Mrs Gorilla No, I’ve been shopping.
Mrs Non-Gorilla What did you buy.
Mrs Gorilla Nothing! I got Monty Python’s Big Red Book.
Mrs Non-Gorilla Oh! And I suppose this must be a commercial for it.
Mrs Gorilla No, this is a commercial for it.
Mrs Non-Gorilla Well, we better say how good it is then!
Mrs Gorilla Why?
Mrs Non-Gorilla Well I don’t know!
45 Pellagra Pellagra
Customer Terry Jones
Shopkeeper Michael Palin
Announcer Graham Chapman
(bell on door rings as customer enters)
Customer Good morning, have you got “Monty Python’s Big Red Book”?
Shopkeeper I’ve got pellagra.
Customer What’s that?
Shopkeeper It’s a kind of skin complaint.
Customer Oh dear!
(sound of zipper going down)
Shopkeeper You see this?
Customer Oo, nasty!
Shopkeeper I’ve got 2 on the neck as well.
Customer Oh, what causes it.
Shopkeeper Vitamin deficiency. I eat too much maize.
Customer Maize?
Shopkeeper Yeah, there’s something in the maize that stops vitamin B2 being absorbed into the colon during the digestive process.
Customer Is that the same osteoporosis?
Shopkeeper Well they are both metabolic diseases yes, but osteoporosis is a calcium deficiency.
Customer Ah yes it affects the bones.
Shopkeeper That’s right. Whereas vitamin B2 deficiencies tend to lead to beri-beri, neuritis, edema..
Customer Edema?
Shopkeeper Swelling of the limbs
Customer Oh!
Shopkeeper Ascites and of course pellagra.
Customer Oh, it is a bitch!
Shopkeeper Cor, you’re telling me look at this patch here…
Customer Oh good lord!
Announcer If you want to avoid conversations like this buy Monty Python’s Big Red Book.
Customer That really is nasty, isn’t it?
Shopkeeper Yes and there’s one down here which if I put my shoe one I just can’t feel…