Series 1, Episode 11: Battle of Pearl Harbor
CANNING Graham Chapman
RITA FAIRBANKS Eric Idle
Canning: The stuff of history is indeed woven in the woof. Pearl Harbour. There are pages in history’s book which are written on the grand scale. Events so momentous that they dwarf man and time alike. And such is the Battle of Pearl Harbour, re-enacted for us now by the women of Barley Townswomen’s Guild.
(Cut to a muddy corner of a field. Miss Rita Fairbanks stands talking straight to camera. Behind her lurk five more pepperpots.)
Canning: (voice over) Miss Rita Fairbanks – you organized this reconstruction of the Battle of Pearl Harbour – why?
Rita: Well we’ve always been extremely interested in modern drama … we were of course the first Townswomen’s Guild to perform ‘Camp On Blood Island’, and last year we did our extremely popular re-enactment of ‘Nazi War Atrocities’. So this year we thought we would like to do something in a lighter vein…
Canning: So you chose the Battle of Pearl Harbour?
Rita: Yes, that’s right, we did.
Canning: Well I can see you’re all ready to go. So I’ll just wish you good
luck in your latest venture.
Rita: Thank you very much, young man.
(She retreats, and joins the other ladies who meanwhile separate into two opposing sides facing each other.)
Canning: (reverential voice over) Ladies and gentlemen, the World of History is. proud to present the premiere of the Batley Townswomen’s Guild’s re-enactment of ‘The Battle of Pearl Harbour’.
(A whistle blows and the two sides set about each other with handbags etc., speeded up 50% just to give it a bit of edge. Cut to Canning in studio.)
Canning: The Battle of Pearl Harbour. Incidentally, I’m sorry if 1 got a little bit shirty earlier on in the programme, when I kept getting interrupted by all these films and things that kept coming in, but I.,.
(Cut to vicar in a graveyard He sprinkles dirt and gets mud thrown in his face. Vicar shoots a gun. Cut to undertakers leaving graveyard. They get into a hearse. As they leave it and drive off we see the other side is painted with psychedelic flowers. Cut to Canning.)
Canning: So I said if it happened again I’d get very angry and talk to Lord Hill and…