Series 2, Episode 21: Mr. and Mrs. Git
HOST Graham Chapman
MR. GIT Terry Jones
JOHN Michael Palin
MRS. GIT John Cleese
MRS. STOKES Carol Cleveland
VOICE OVER Michael Palin
WATSON Graham Chapman
NUN Carol Cleveland
(A cocktail party in Dulwich. Quiet party-type music. Constant chatter.)
Host Ah, John. Allow me to introduce my next-door neighbour. John Stokes, this is A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. Ah!
Mr Git: Hello, I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face for a moment just then, but you needn’t worry – I’m used to it. That’s the trouble of having a surname like Git.
John: Oh … yes, yes.
Mr Git: We did think once of having it changed by deed-poll, you know – to Watson or something like that. But A Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Watson’s just as bad eh?
John: Yes, yes, I suppose so.
(Mrs Git approaches.)
Mr Git: Oh, that’s my wife. Darling! Come and meet Mr… what was it?
John: Stokes-John Stokes.
Mr Git: Oh yes. John Stokes, this is my wife, Dreary Fat Boring Old.
John: Oh, er, how do you do.
Mrs Git: How do you do.
(Mrs Stokes appears.)
Mrs Stokes: Darling, there you are!
John: Yes, yes, here I am, yes.
Mr Git: Oh, is this your wife?
John: Yes, yes, yes, this is the wife. Yes. Um darling, these, these are the Gits.
Mrs Stokes: (slightly shocked) What?
John: The Gits.
Mr Git: Oh, heaven’s sakes we are being formal. Does it have to be surnames?
John: Oh, no, no. Not at all. No. Um, no, this… this… this is my wife Norah, er, Norah Jane, Norah Jane Stokes. This is Snivelling Little Rat-Faced Git. And this is his wife Dreary Fat Boring Old Git.
Mr Git: I was just telling your husband what an awful bore it is having a surname like Git.
Mrs Stokes: (understanding at last) OH- Oh well, it’s not that bad.
Mr Git: Oh, you’ve no idea how the kids get taunted. Why, only last week Dirty Lying Little Two-Faced came running home from school, sobbing his eyes out, and our youngest, Ghastly Spotty Horrible Vicious Little is just at the age when taunts like ‘she’s a git’ really hun. Yes.
(Mrs Git gobs colourfully into her handbag.)
John: Do … do you live round here?
Mr Git: Yes, we live up the road, number 49 – you can’t miss it. We’ve just had the outside painted with warm pus.
John: (with increasing embarrassment) Oh.
Mr Git: Yes. It’s very nice actually. It goes nicely with the vomit and catarrh we’ve got smeared all over the from door.
Mrs Stokes: I think we ought to be going. We have two children to collect.
Mr Git: Oh, well, bring them round for tea tomorrow.
Mrs Stokes: Well…
Mr Git: It’s Ghastly Spotty Cross-Eyed’s birthday and she’s having a disembowelling party for a few friends. The Nauseas will be there, and Doug and Janice Mucus, and the Rectums from Swanage.
Voice Over: (and caption) ‘And Now a Nice Version of That Same Sketch’
(Cut to exactly the same set-up as before.)
Host: John! Allow me to introduce our next-door neighhour. John, this is Mr. Watson.
Watson: Hello. I noticed a slight look of anxiety cross your face just then but you needn’t worry.
(Cut to nun.)
Nun: I preferred the dirty version.
(She is knocked out by the boxer. Cut to Women’s Institute applause film.)