SPIDERDUDE!

Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a CGI superhero can!

Ok, first let me say, I haven’t actually seen the movie, but I’ve seen the trailer and read a lot of comic books, so I basically figure out what happens.

From what I can gather, there is this villian named Greer Goblin (no relation to Greer Garson, a great TV character actress from the ’70’s). He’s played by William “Willum” Defoe, a craggy faced actor with a rugged, outdoorsy type of look. I knew a kid who had a skin condition like that back when I was in junior high who had really bad acne and it even oozed -we called him ‘acid-face’, you know how cruel kids can be! But it was all in fun =)

Well, the plot really gets going when Greer Goblin kidnaps some teen-aged lesbian girls and takes them away to do god-knows-what but Peter Parker (Tommy Maguire, no relation to Jerry) isn’t having any of that and he pops into a nearby phone booth and voila! calls the police.

Of course they don’t come, its a bad part of town or something, but what does happen is a tiny spider bites Peter on the buttocks giving him super jumping strength, just like a spider. He goes right down and has a costume made and picks up some of those gimmicks superheroes like to use -including sticky webs that shoot right out of his wrists like Silly String! I remember one time my brother and I were playing with that, and he put it up to his nose and squirted it like boogers were coming out and we just laughed!. Actually that was the movie “Splash” with Tom Hank but the concepts the same. This stuff really catches crooks and they just hang there until they starve to death and rot, which is too good for them, I say. “Bring back capital punishment!”

Ok, so Greer Goblin has the girls, and he sends various henchmen to dispatch Spiderman, and he kills them off quick of course, they aren’t stars. But Spiderman looks great doing it in that formfitting suit. I don’t know what you would do if you got aroused in that outfit, I’d just wanna curl and die or maybe hold a jacket in my lap, but Spiderman handles it with grace throughout. Speaking of Spiderman, who btw has a love interest in the guise of Mary Kate Ashley (Karen Dunst) who is really a blonde knock-out with a very realistic boob job. Anyone, did you get the number of that plastic surgeon! I’m kidding but they are nicely displayed as she makes the various facial expressions and says the words the role calls for you can’t help but marvel at them.

Well, she’s only in a scene or two I believe because the trailer didn’t make a huge deal about her but the teen lezbos are in a lot of good shots and several explosions so here are more of them:

Ok, so the big climax of the movie was going to be this gigantic web stretched between the Twin Towers of the WTC (which stands for the World’s Trading Centers, btw) but if you watch the news at all, you know there was a big plane wreck that totally destroyed the set and they were unable to film there, so they had to cut that part of the movie out, which is a shame because that would have been one of those grand cinematic moments you tell your grandkids about.

Instead, they did a nice little piece where the Green Goblin carries the Teen Lezbos up the Empire State building while World War I planes, led by Snoopy as the Red Baron, try to shoot him down.

Then, out of nowhere, in swings our hero, that’s right you guessed it, its Spiderman himself come to rescue those poor naked girls before they are forced into a life of hookerdom in the Observation Deck, forced to suck dick for the change young boys are about to throw over the side to see if a penny really will kill someone dropped 30 stories or however high that thing is.

So the movie is building, building to a grand climax that will have you running back from the concession stand spilling your nachos (don’t worry, they pay people good money to clean the multiplex up later!). Word to the wise: 50 cents more will upgrade a medium to a large for a big big saving on soda. Don’t let them fill it too full of ice either, I had to give a girl what-for about that very thing when I went to Ice-Age with my nephews. But I regress.

I don’t want to spoil the ending, but you can bet the Green Goblin ends up with a stupendous villian-type death like falling from the building onto rotating helicopter blades or being stabbed on one of those spikes they always have on top of sky-scrapers when he falls to a smaller building. Whatever it is, it will be sure to be a smash ending to an exciting and sexy new movie you’ll enjoy for weeks to come.

That’s it for me, I’m out of here but tune in again next week for another movie and more great teen lezbos. Next: Woody Allen changes his style with a new movie all about and filmed in New York City of all places!!!!!