Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl
Scene 18 : Argument Clinic
From Monty Python’s Flying Circus season 3 episode 3 sketch 8
and Monty Python’s Previous Record
and live albums Live at Drury Lane and Live at City Center
and complilations Monty Python’s Instant Record Collection UK and Monty Python’s Instant Record Collection US and Final Rip-off
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Secretary Carol Cleveland
Customer Michael Palin
Mr DeBaake Graham Chapman
Mr. Barnard John Cleese
(Customer’s finger pressing the secretary’s breast nipple as if it were a bell- buzzzzz)
Secretary Ooh! Good afternoon, sir. May I help you?
Customer Yes, I’d like to have an argument, please.
Secretary Certainly, sir. Uhm, have you been here before?
Customer Ah, no, this is my first time.
Secretary I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument or were you thinking of taking a course?
Customer Well, uh, what is the cost?
Secretary Yes, it’s one pound for a five-minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
Customer Well, I think I’ll just try the one and see how it goes from there.
Secretary Fine. Ah, yes, try Mr. Barnard, Room 12.
Customer Thank you very much.
Mr DeBaake What do you want?
Customer Well, I just was…
Mr DeBaake Don’t give me that, you snorty-faced pair of parrot droppings! Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type make me puke, you vacuous toffee nosed malodrious pervert!
Customer Listen, I came here for an argument!
Mr DeBaake Oh, oh, I’m sorry, but this is Abuse!
Customer Oh, oh, I see!
Mr DeBaake Hahaha!
Customer Terribly sorry.
Mr DeBaake No, you want Room 12A, next door.
Customer Oh, I see. Thank you very much.
Mr DeBaake Not at all.
Customer Uhuh!
Mr DeBaake Stupid git…
Customer Uh, is this the right room for an argument?
Mr. Barnard I told you once.
Customer Uh, no, you haven’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I have.
Customer When?
Mr. Barnard Just now.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer You didn’t!
Mr. Barnard I did.
Customer No, you didn’t!
Mr. Barnard I’m telling you I did!
Customer You most certainly did not!
Mr. Barnard Ah, wait a moment, is this the five-minute argument or the full half hour?
Customer Oh, oh, I see. Just the five-minute.
Mr. Barnard Just the five minutes… Right, thank you. Anyway, I did.
Customer Oh, no, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Now let’s get one thing absolutely clear. I most definitely told you.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer No, you didn’t.
Mr. Barnard Yes, I did.
Customer Oh, look, this isn’t an argument!
Mr. Barnard Yes, it is!
Customer No, it isn’t! It’s just contradiction!
Mr. Barnard No, it isn’t!
Customer It is!
Mr. Barnard It is not!
Customer It is! You just contradicted me!
Mr. Barnard I did not!
Customer You did!
Mr. Barnard No, no, no!
Customer You did just that!
Mr. Barnard Nonsense!
Customer Oh, this is futile!
Mr. Barnard No, it isn’t.
Customer Yes, it is. I came here for a good argument.
Mr. Barnard No, you didn’t. You came here for an argument.
Customer Yes, but an argument isn’t just contradiction!
Mr. Barnard Well, can be.
Customer No, an argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
Mr. Barnard No, it isn’t!
Customer Yes, it is! It isn’t just contradiction!
Mr. Barnard Look, if I argue with you, I must take a contrary position.
Customer Yes, but that isn’t just saying “No, it isn’t!”
Mr. Barnard Yes, it is!
Customer No, it isn’t!
Mr. Barnard Yes, it is!
Customer No, it isn’t!
Mr. Barnard Yes, it is!
Customer No, it isn’t!
Mr. Barnard Yes, it is!
Customer No, it isn’t!
Mr. Barnard Yes, it is!
Customer Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just a automatic gain-say of anything the other person says!
Mr. Barnard It is not!
Customer It is!
Mr. Barnard Not at all!
Customer Now look…
(rings bell)
Mr. Barnard Thank you! Good morning!
Customer What?
Mr. Barnard That’s it! Good morning!
Customer I was just getting interested!
Mr. Barnard Uh, I’m sorry, the five minutes is up!
Customer That was never five minutes, just now!
Mr. Barnard I’m afraid it was.
Customer Oh, no, it wasn’t.
Mr. Barnard I’m sorry, I’m…I’m not allowed to argue anymore.
Customer What?
Mr. Barnard If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minute.
Customer But that was never five minutes, just now!
Mr. Barnard [Whistle]
Customer Oh, come on! Oh, this is ridiculous!
Mr. Barnard If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes!
Customer Oh, all right. Here you are.
Mr. Barnard Thank you.
Customer Well?
Mr. Barnard Well what?
Customer That was never five minutes, just now!
Mr. Barnard I told you, if you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.
Customer Yes, yes, well, I’ve just paid!
Mr. Barnard No, you didn’t!
Customer I did!
Mr. Barnard You did not!
Customer I did!
Mr. Barnard You never…
Customer I did!
Mr. Barnard You never…
Customer I did!
Mr. Barnard You never…
Customer I did!
Mr. Barnard You never…
Customer I did!
Mr. Barnard You never…
Customer Oh, what are we even arguing about!
Mr. Barnard Well, I’m very sorry, but you didn’t pay!
Customer Aha! But if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing? Ahaaa! Got you!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t.
Customer Yes, I have. If, you’re arguing, I must have paid.
Mr. Barnard Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
Customer Oh, I’ve had enough of this!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!
Customer Yes, I have!
Mr. Barnard No, you haven’t!