How many times have you been ready for your bi-monthly foray out of your Mom’s basement, but you didn’t have that perfect T-shirt for dressing up to go to the video arcade?
Or how about that formal T-shirt, the respectable looking one that screams “This guy is innocent of all charges! She looked 17!” you need for court dates and parole hearings?
The one that tells passers-by “I heart reading celebutard blogs that tell me the very latest dumbshit thing BritBrit has done!”
The kind of teeshirt that will get you noticed by all the hot women down at the laundromat, and the envy of all the guys at the titty-bar.
You’ve been praying to Jeebus your entire life for a teeshirt that embiggening, with that kind of chick-magnet, prison-avoiding, life-affirming, penis-enhancing, monkey-proof power that could make you as awesome IRL as your internet persona is.
Well Skippy, your prayers have finally been answered.
Now you can wear the The Evil Beet with pride:
Anyway, I know I’ve been promising this to some of you since, like, Shiloh was just a beautiful sperm gliding around Brad Pitt’s nuts, so here it is. Check out the store, buy some stuff, and let us know if there are color/logo combinations you want that we don’t offer and I’ll see what I can do. I’m like your own personal stylist. With nice, dry armpits.
Yes, this sweet baby can be yours for a very reasonable price over at Evil Beet Quality Gossip Online Store, where quality is their middle name (it’s right there between ‘beet’ and ‘gossip’, go look).
I helped with a few more designs, so you know that only enhances the creamy goodness and beet-a-licious smoothness of the cottony texture of the Evil Beet Beet Beet on your Bod Bod Body. Hop your sweet little ass over there and buy several, get some for Gramma too, you know she’s hep to what’s hip. You’ll feel better about yourself, and you’ll look good wearing it too!
And when it finally happens for you, when finally get your picture in the paper, when you finally get famous, they’ll say “That’s one classy muthafuckin’ teeshirt that headless torso is wearing!” when the cop hooks you up to the winch to drag your carcass out of the drainage ditch. They’ll probably even spell your name right, if they can find your hands or head to identify you.