I try to list these according to how much I liked them (not to be confused, necessarily with how good they are) so if you don’t make it down the list you won’t waste your time on shitty movies or their shitty reviews. Anyway, what’s up for this week? All newish 2017 movies either still in or just out of the theater. This week is all ‘good’ movies I mostly liked, all are above water (3 or better)
FOURS
Wheelman (2017) Wow, loved this movie. Mostly a guy driving while talking on the phone to his handler, the guy who set all this up, the guy who he is to deliver “the package to” meanwhile his brat teenage daughter (who turns out to be not so bad) and his bitch of an ex-wife, plus some hoods who are trying to hijack the package. He’s competent and good at what he does, and like most competent guys who know what they are doign, comes out ok. Love movies where a guy knows his craft and does it well. Surprise movie with no stars I’ve ever seen before. Score:4
November Criminals (2017) Pretty good movie, reminded me of this other movie where some highschool kid solves a murder (or OD, I think in that case). So this kid is better than the cops because he gets all these leads that lead him directly to the murderer, the motive, the weapon, plus he gets it all on video plus the guy shooting at him so case closed neat and tidy, just like real life. I did like the movie because the kid was personable and not annoying, reminded me of Miles Teller. And the kicker is his girlfriend, who begs him to take her virginity, is fucking that chick from Kick Ass let me look up her name. Chloë Grace Moretz. Now, every guy’s dream in the world is to have a gf that looks like Chloë Grace Moretz who tags along to help you with all your hare-brained exploits (he takes her to a crackhouse in drugtown and she’s like, ok) and mostly because he’s fucking her sideways, she sits on his bed and strokes his hair when he gets shot, she hugs him outside school and cuddle up to him. My god, if like were only like movies. Anyway, her bitchy mom is the lady off Being John Malkovich. Catherine Keener. And his dad is the guy off of Misery (and a bunch of other stuff, but that was the first time I saw him and that sticks with you, you wonder, who is this guy starring in a big movie?) I mean Delores Claiborne. And he’s David Strathairn. I think the internet makes you lose your memory. Anyway, I enjoyed watching it. Score:4 would watch again because Chloë Grace Moretz is so delicious.
It (2017) This movie is well made, the kids are not annoying (mostly, for child actors, that’s a hard thing to do), sticks to the story and Pennywise, while not Tim Carry’s all-consuming evil, this guy mostly works his lips, he’s pretty good. As I watched this, I realized, that although I don’t like slasher or torture pr0n, I do watch a lot of horror and this had some very horrifying images, as horrifying as you can get without resorting to full-on gore or guts etc. I realized that nothing is scary anymore, really. This has one apparition that is diseased and covered with sore, it has corpses dripping with maggots, it has toothy maws infinitely deep, it has this one character that reminds me of slenderman or something out of Spooky’s House of Jump Scares which was genuinely disturbing, but none of it was look away, terrifyingly scary. And I used to have moments like that. I can kind of understand now why people watch Saw and those kinds of stupid torture porn movies because they can’t get a kick from horror movies anymore, but I’d rather not be scared anymore than lose my humanity, which those movies will do to you. Anyway, they split the book into the kids and adults sections so I guess they’ll have a sequel. This was ok, solid movie and solid entertainment, just didn’t scare me or disturb me enough to think about it later. Score:4 I guess, compared to the rest of this dreck
Sweet Virginia (2017) This was an ok action film, but I couldn’t figure wtf was going on half the time, the relationship between the various parties. As I hoped, the girl who callously gets her husband killed at the beginning gets hers, which doesn’t often happen in movies because women can do anything to men, especially if they are cheating, and face no repercussions. The hero is another quiet, modest, competent man’s man who worked as a rodeo rider. Couldn’t get more manly than that. Knows how to shoot a rifle as well. Big old black beard as well. I guess they are trying to portray non-toxic masculinity here. Score:4, good movie though.
THREES
El Camino Christmas (2017) Ok movie about a series of fuckups, mostly by incompetent policewhich I can relate to. Good to see Tim Allen working, if only in a tiny movie like this. Guy gets sideways with the cops, then a series of misadventures leads to him holding people hostage in a minimart. Good cast, with Private Gomer Pyle Vincent D’Onofrio (only had to look him up for the spelling, remembered his name!) Score:3 slightly inflated because I love Tim Allen, just not on TV.
South of Heaven West of Hell (2000) Love Westerns, like Dwight Yoakum (damn, had to look that up. I am going senile or google is ruining me) and there are a few other good moments in the movie, making it better than most forms of entertainment calling themselves movies these days. Familiar story of one member of a bad clan going straight and single-handedly taking them all one. Vince Vaughan as the main bad-guy son, deliciously malicious while he murders people. Score:3
Bullet Head (2017) So I guess Adrien Brody is an action hero now? And didn’t I see this movie in the ’70s, those magnificent dobermans or Cujo or something. But he, the younger Kulkin playing his normal annoying junkie self (I think he is too good at it to just be acting) and best of all John Malkovich, always good to see him working. But this is a B-movie no one could think would be a good movie. It’s fair, keeps interest even if not really suspenseful: Kulkin, the annoying fuck is going to die first, Malkovich, as the old guy is going to die 2nd and Brody will survive. But anyway, good actors, I think Antonio Banderas is in it as the final crime boss. First I thought he was Armande Assante, loved him in Hoffa maybe 10-20 times, but mostly because that was back when I had 1000 DVDs and you watched them over and over to justify buying them, but I did enjoy Hoffa. Much better than this piece of dreck, which I still give a Score: 3, it’s watchable.
Rise of the Footsoldier 3 (2017) People reading these will think I love action movies, I don’t really, they are ok, but they usually deliver what they promise. This one does, lots of violence and convoluted drug wars, supposedly ‘based on a true story’ they are stretching out one murder to 3 movies, pretty good use of resources. Big brit inscrutable accents here and big brutish brit toughguys punching the shit out of each other. Score:3, why, well it worked.