These are movies that mostly sucked. For various reasons, including acting, plot, production, subject matter, whatever, they ranked 2 or under on the docweasel Save to Harddrive – Watch again – Good for a view – delete immediately – didn’t watch through scale. Your experience may vary.
That Awkward Moment (2014) 3 shallow guys chasing girls, one after his wife dumped him, the girls, especially the blonde one, is a major bitch so it accurately reflects young adults mating behaviour. The guys want to get laid, the girls don’t know wtf they want, but they blame that on the guys. Zac Efron’s character had the best take, don’t get in a relationship at that age, it will end in tears and have damn little joy. Best advertisement in the world for ‘fuck ’em and leave ’em’ philosophy. Ultimately depressing moviewith not near enough tits and ass for the subject matter. Score:2 good to see Miles Teller working!
American Satan (2017) Still, no band movie other than, ironically, Spinal Tap ever covers writing the songs, bashing them out in rehearsals and realistically recording them. A band sells its soul to the devil, stardom awaits. Bad things happen to people around the band, no surprise, but they beat the devil in the end, I guess. Malcolm McDowell is Satan, Mark Boone Junior their manager and Bill Duke, I think, is the good angel. So solid cast, dunno any of the musicians but apparently some of them at least could really play. Denise Richards plays the lead singers MOM, love it, and Olivia Culpo (Miss Universe 2012, PDT connexion!) playing the part she would have played 10 (or so) years ago. Also Jesse Sullivan, whoever that is, as the junkie girl bass player with fine little tits and an amazing ass, definite asset to the movie, her sex scenes, including bi-sexuality. So for all that, I can give it a Score:2 because it fails as a band movie, which I’m still waiting to see a real one.
Rebel in the Rye (2017) Well, according to this, JD Salinger was just as much of a self-absorbed, elitist, smug, festering asshole of a prick I always assumed he was. And he felt like punishing the rest of the world by denying us the fruits of his over-weening talent. So there. I like Kevin Spacey even if he did lay naked on a 14 year old. I really hate how his character is a competent, good, effective teacher to a begging, crying, whining sycophant sucking up to Salinger, who doesn’t deserve it in the least. I never did get CITR. I guess that makes me a phony, but if this movie is anything to gon, JDS was the biggest phoney of them all. Rebel? That’s a fucking laugh. If your life’s goal is to get a story in The New Yorker you are the least rebellious dolt on the planet. The homogenity of worldview and vision and politics of the average New Yorker reader, then as now, is as generic as white milk, not a spot of dissent allowed. Salinger, far from being a rebel, was only voicing the prejudices and biases of his class. He’s got a lot of gall preaching about phonies. His kind of batshit insane ramblings got John Lennon killed, so he’s damned for that as well. Score:2, well acted, I like the kid who played him and some lovely women in the film. And Spacey is good for the first half, and has some actual good tips on writing.
Return to Montauk (2017) Slow, dull, boring, drawn out, talky, mawkish, European in all the worst ways, Scandi in all the worst ways, even the women, beautiful as they are, were boring and sexless. Sweden has done more to kill sex than any other country, with its sexual “freedom”. This is why romance with middle aged people doesn’t get filmed. Critics and middle aged actors complain about it, but this is why. They are so hung up with all the fucking baggage. This is why I could never date women in their 30s (let alone 40s) too much shit has happened to them, and it’s all on you. That’s how this movie felt. I like Skoren Scarsgaard (can’t be bothered to look up spelling) and the old, faded starlets who are his love interests are still lovely, even in late middle age, but god, boring, slow, mind-deadeningly drawn out, numbing Score:1, damn, I’m linking to Amazon to try to make a little back on bandwidth (seems like more time than it’s worth) and so many aren’t available, probably Netflix or foreign, but jeez, this is the 4th one on this list.
Mayhem (2017) A virus that makes everyone crazy is loosed in a big office building and our protagonist, who has just been fired after being framed for malfeasance and has a big grudge on his plate. Lots of mayhem ensues, he teams up with a girl he refused to help on her foreclosure earlier and together they get vengeance on the powers-that-be. Not really a great movie but wastes some time. Stephen Brand is the boss, and I thought he was an old Antonio Banderas so I was surprised when he was not. Score: 2, meh, I dunno
Bitch (2017) I didn’t get this at all, I think it was about what a dick the guy is because he’s fucking around and he drove her to being the dog he treated her like, I dunno, he reacts pretty badl to having to deal with the kids and he keeps his weird wife in the basement covered with human shit. Her parents want to take her to get treatment, which he resists, thinking the basement shit treatment might eventually have its effect, but no. Anyway, I watched it through because I wanted to see the denouement, but the writer couldn’t think of one and there was none. Shit movie, really. Score:1 watched it because I was too busy and forgot it was on.
Mother Krampus (2017) Avoid. Very bad acting, production and plot, what of it I watched. DELETE! Score:0 didn’t watch all.