Monty Python’s And Now For Something Completely Different
Scene 7: Self-Defense
Colonel: get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!
Sargeant: (Shouting throughout) Right sir! Good evening, class.
All: (mumbling) Good evening.
Sargeant: Where’s all the others, then?
All: They’re not here.
Sergeant: I can see that. What’s the matter with them?
1st Man: Perhaps they’ve got ‘flu.
Sergeant: Huh! ‘Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now, self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.
(Grumbles from all)
2nd Man: Oh, you promised you wouldn’t do fruit this week.
Sergeant: What do you mean?
3rd Man: We’ve done fruit the last nine weeks.
Sergeant: What’s wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?
2nd Man: Can’t we do something else?
3rd Man: Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?
Sergeant: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I’ll tell you something my lad. When you’re walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come crying to me! Now, the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit…
All: We done the passion fruit.
1st Man: We done the passion fruit.
2nd Man: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit…
3rd Man: Whole and segments.
2nd Man: Pomegranates, greengages…
1st Man: Grapes, passion fruit…
2nd Man: Lemons…
3rd Man: Plums…
1st Man: Mangoes in syrup…
Sergeant: How about cherries?
All: We did them.
Sergeant: Red *and* black?
Sergeant: All right, bananas.
Sergeant: We haven’t done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourselfagainst a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this banana. Catch! Now, it’s quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now rendered him ‘elpless.
2nd Man: Suppose he’s got a bunch.
Sergeant: Shut up.
4th Man: Suppose he’s got a pointed stick.
Sergeant: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.
1st Man: ‘Arrison.
Sergeant: Sorry, Mr. ‘Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that, that’s it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me! Come at me then! (Shoots him.)
1st Man: Aaagh! (dies.)
Sergeant: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)
Colonel: Now, I would just like to point out that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become silly. Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do. Except perhaps my wife. And some of her friends. Oh yes, and Captain Johnson … Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do, but that’s beside the point! I’m warning this film not to get silly again. Right, now director! On the command cut, cut to the next scene.
Director Voice Over:(Panning film of the top of a city) This is a frightened city.
Colonel: Wait for it!
(The film quickly pans back and cuts to Colonel.)
(The camera pans again.)