Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 1: Three Wise Men
[holy music]
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BABY BRIAN COHEN: [crying]
WISE MAN #1: Ahem.
MANDY COHEN: Ohhh! [whump] Who are you?
WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.
MANDY: What?!
WISE MAN #1: We are three wise men.
MANDY: Well, what are you doing creeping around a cow shed at two o’clock in the morning? That doesn’t sound very wise to me.
WISE MAN #3: We are astrologers.
WISE MAN #1: We have come from the East.
MANDY: Is this some kind of joke?
WISE MAN #2: We wish to praise the infant.
WISE MAN #1: We must pay homage to him.
MANDY: Homage? You’re all drunk. It’s disgusting. Out! The lot, out!
WISE MAN #1: No–
MANDY: Bursting in here with tales about oriental fortune tellers. Come on. Out!
WISE MAN #2: No, no. We must see him.
MANDY: Go and praise someone else’s brat! Go on!
WISE MAN #2: We–
WISE MAN #1: We were led by a star.
MANDY: Or led by a bottle, more like. Go on. Out!
WISE MAN #1: Well– well, we must see him. We have brought presents.
MANDY: Out!
WISE MAN #2: Gold. Frankincense. Myrrh.
MANDY: Well, why didn’t you say? He’s over there. Sorry the place is a bit of a mess. Well, what is myrrh, anyway?
WISE MAN #3: It is a valuable balm.
MANDY: A balm? What are you giving him a balm for? It might bite him.
WISE MAN #3: What?
MANDY: That’s a dangerous animal. Quick! Throw it in the trough.
WISE MAN #1: No, it isn’t.
MANDY: Yes, it is. It’s great, big mmm…
WISE MAN #3: No, no, no. It is an ointment.
MANDY: Aww, there is an animal called a balm,… or did I dream it? So, you’re astrologers, are you? Well, what is he then?
WISE MAN #2: Hmm?
MANDY: What star sign is he?
WISE MAN #2: Uh, Capricorn.
MANDY: Uhh, Capricorn, eh? What are they like?
WISE MAN #2: Ooh, but… he is the son of God, our Messiah.
WISE MAN #1: King of the Jews.
MANDY: And that’s Capricorn, is it?
WISE MAN #2: Uh, no, no, no. That’s just him.
MANDY: Ohh, I was going to say, ‘Otherwise, there’d be a lot of them.’ [sniff]
WISE MAN #1: By what name are you calling him?
[holy music]
MANDY: Uh, ‘Brian’.
WISE MEN: We worship you, O Brian, who are Lord over us all. Praise unto you, Brian, and to the Lord, our Father. Amen.
MANDY: Do you do a lot of this, then?
WISE MAN #2: What?
MANDY: This praising.
WISE MAN #2: No, no. No, no.
MANDY: Er, well, um, if you’re dropping by again, do pop in. Heh. And thanks a lot for the gold and frankincense, er, but don’t worry too much about the myrrh next time. All right? Heh. Thank you. Good-bye. Well, weren’t they nice? Hmm. Out of their bloody minds, but still.
[WISE MEN leave]
Look at that. Hoo hoo hoo.
[WISE MEN return and grab presents]
Here! Here! Here, that– that’s mine! Hee. Hey, you just gave me that! Oh.
[whump]
[holy music]
BABY BRIAN: [crying]
MANDY: Shut up. [smack]