Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 1: Four Shepards (Director’s cut)
scene 1, director’s cut videoThis scene was cut from the original theatrical release of
Life of Brian and restored for the DVD release. Scenes and lines throughout the script added from the Directors Cut are in yellow font.
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MORRIS: I love sheep.
SHEPHERD #2: So do I. Terrific animals. Terrific.
MORRIS: No trouble.
SHEPHERD #2: No, no trouble.
SHEPHERD #1: Except at shearing. They can play up a bit, then; can’t they?
MORRIS: Oh, yeah, but I like that sort of little burst of frenzy they have then, you know. I like it when they get a little bit angry. Shows they’re human.
SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah. I– I– I’m not saying I dislike them at shearing, you know, but they can be a bit of a handful; can’t they?
MORRIS: Well, so would you be… if you had a great pair of scissors snippin’ away while someone held your back legs apart.
SHEPHERD #1: Hm.
MORRIS: You’d wiggle a bit. You’d kick up a bit of a fuss. Heh.
SHEPHERD #1: Yeah, I– I’m not saying I just expect them to stand around in the fields and nibble the grass and look a bit pretty. I– I’m not saying that.
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, but they are pretty; aren’t they?
MORRIS: Yeah.
SHEPHERD #1: Oh, yeah.
SHEPHERD #2: I mean, look at that one over there against the sky. The white of the coat, the little black face against the twinkling stars beyond.
MORRIS: Yes. Aww. Terrific.
SHEPHERD #1: Mhm.
MORRIS: Terrific animals.
SHEPHERD #1: Mm.
SHEPHERD #2: The little lambs in springtime.
MORRIS: Oh.
SHEPHERD #1: Ahh.
MORRIS: The lambs, eh? Now you’re talking. They’re lovely, eh? I love them.
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, so do I, Morris. I love them more than anything. Little white furry bundles.
SHEPHERD #1: Mhmm.
MORRIS: I think, of all God’s creatures, sheep have the best offspring.
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, yes. Terrific animals.
MORRIS: Mm.
SHEPHERD #2: Terrific.
SHEPHERD #1: Yeah. They’re so sure-footed.
SHEPHERD #2: Hm.
MORRIS: And quick-witted.
SHEPHERD #1: Are they quick-witted?
MORRIS: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, they’re quite, uh, quick-witted.
SHEPHERD #1: Mhm.
SHEPHERD #2: Always cheerful. Hmm.
SHEPHERD #1: Well, except at shearing. Hehhehheh.
MORRIS: Why are you always on about shearing?
SHEPHERD #1: I’m not always on about it, Morris.
MORRIS: You are a great deflater, you are.
SHEPHERD #1: He was–
MORRIS: Of all the moments in their little lives, you unerringly put your finger on the one moment where they lose a little bit of dignity. Well, I regard that as cheap, quite honestly.
SHEPHERD #2: Oh, look! Look. One of them’s looking up at us. Heh. He knows we’re talkin’ about him.
[sniff]
SHEPHERD #1: Morris, don’t get me wrong. I actually like their behaviour at shearing. I actually like them when they get a little bit cross. I find that endearing.
MORRIS: That’s the fantastic thing. They’re beautiful to look at, well-disposed, quite quick-witted, and yet, tough as nails.
SHEPHERD #2: [sniff]
MORRIS: [sniff]
SHEPHERD #2: You know, I can’t think of anything I’d rather do than watch sheep.
MORRIS: Mmm.
SHEPHERD #1: The only other animals that I would be remotely interested in watching… would be cats.
MORRIS: They don’t have flocks of cats.
SHEPHERD #1: No, I– I’m not saying they do, Morris.
MORRIS: Can you imagine a herds of cats… waiting to be sheared? Meow! Meow! Woo hoo hoo.
SHEPHERD #2: Shh! Shh. I heard something over there.
MORRIS: Wolves?
SHEPHERD #2: Could be.
MORRIS: Where?
SHEPHERD #2: Over there.
MORRIS: Right.
[thump thump]
Take that, you buggers!
SHEPHERD #4: Oowhh.
SHEPHERD #2: That’s not a wolf.
SHEPHERD #4: S– Gordon Bennett!
SHEPHERD #3: [ungh] What did you do that for!?
MORRIS: I thought he was a wolf.
SHEPHERD #3: You hit him right in the face!
MORRIS: Well, he shouldn’t come snooping ‘round like that.
SHEPHERD #3: You wait till you hear what we’ve just seen! The most incredible things just happened!
SHEPHERD #4: Don’t tell ‘em. Owhh.
SHEPHERD #3: We were on the hillside over there when this amazing-
SHEPHERD #4: Don’t tell them! They broke my bloody nose!
SHEPHERD #3: Can’t I tell them about the amazing th–
SHEPHERD #4: No! Oohh.
SHEPHERD #3: Well, they said we were to tell everybody!
SHEPHERD #4: Not people who break your bloody nose! Come on.
SHEPHERD #1: Where are you going?
SHEPHERD #3: Bethlehem.
SHEPHERD #4: Nowhere! Good night. Uhh.
MORRIS: That’s right! Leave your sheep! Leave them to the wolves! Call yourselves shepherds?! You’re a disgrace to the profession!
SHEPHERD #2: Huh. What a rotten thing to do,…
MORRIS: Yeah.
SHEPHERD #2: …to go and leave those little helpless furry bundles alone on the hillside.
[holy music fades in]
MORRIS: So they can go down to Bethlehem and get drunk.
[pause]
SHEPHERD #1: Is it A.D. yet?
MORRIS: Quarter past.