This Week with “Osbournes”
Blast from the past! Originally published in 2002, here’s a reprint of a docweasel.com humor piece from back in time. Is the Osbournes even still on?
Hi Ozzbourne lovers! Here’s a recap of this week’s show in case you missed it! I didn’t actually see it, but I heard from my friend Alicandra whose brother talked on the phone to a guy who heard about the episode from this one girl. Here’s what happened this week:
Ozzy: braindead since ’82
Kelly walks in the kitchen and Ozzy is sitting there all geeked our from an acid flashback or whatever drugs he did back in the 50’s or whenever he was still cool.
Kelly has on this way-cool cream colored mini, a torn crushed velour half-top with a cute little cartoon of Charlie’s Angels on it and 6′ lime colored plastic hoop earrings.
Her hair is red-auburn with lilac highlights this week.
Kelly: F**k dad, I need a new f**king car, my ferrari is out of f**king gas again!
Ozzy: What?
Kelly: F**K! You are so f**king deaf! I can’t stand it. No wonder I’m f**king every guy in school!
Sharon: Kelly, you can’t have a new car every f**king week. You threw away the f**king maserati last month because you didn’t like the f**king CD and didn’t feel like changing it.
Ozzy: What?
Kelly: 17 year old anal slut and cum dumpster, spoiled fat ratbastard child.
Kelly: F**k you mom! I’m still pissed you are f**king both of my ex-boyfriends. My god, they are 50 years younger than you! You f**king disgusting slut! And why did you post the pix on our f**king official website??!!
Ozzy: What?
Sharon: Well excuse me miss “I’m going to become a lesbian and I won’t need boys anymore!” I thought you f**king weren’t going to put up with men and their f**king penis power trip anymore? And don’t smoke in the house!
Kelly: I’m f**king BISEXUAL now goddamit. Lesbian is tres not-chic at the moment and besides I’ve decided to have a baby and I want it to be by a f**king black man. F**k this white racist hierarchy, I’m going to raise the new anti-Christ, Ozzy’s African American militant f**king grandkid! And I’ve been smoking for 11 years, I’m not about to stop now. I’d be even pudgier than I am now if I quit.
Ozzy: What?
Jack comes in
Jack: will never get laid without paying for it
Jack: God how can I stand being such a f**king pasty, geeky, slobbering fag of a worthless fatbag of flesh?
Sharon: Because you are f**king rich, you have everything you have ever asked for, you don’t have a single responsiblity, you will probably go your entire life without having to actually lift a finger to work or make any meaningful contribution to the decadent society that spawned you and your f**king ilk.
Jack: Oh yeah. I’ll be upstair jacking off to midget and dog porn and playing vid games for the rest of the week. Send me food hourly.
Jack leaves
Ozzy: What?
Kelly: Well I’m going to f**king do something to shock these petty bourgesois home viewers out of their braindead funk and into the f**king revolution!
Throws cig on floor. Takes out Ozzy’s cock and begins fellating him
Sharon: truly heinous, dried up old beast. Massive plastic surgery cannot hide the rot.
Ozzy: What?
Sharon: Jesus f**king Christ Kelly, wash it first, you don’t know who he been in lately!
Kelly: Ommph fooompphck ooo umphmom!
Ozzy: What?
Then Melinda does some stuff and Jack comes back in and the dog pees on the floor but that’s about it for this week! See you again next week with the Osbourne’s Recap!!!