MANDY: Well, Brian,… your father isn’t Mr. Cohen.
BRIAN:I never thought he was.
MANDY:Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a
centurion in the Roman army.
BRIAN:You mean… you were raped?
MANDY:Well, at first, yes.
Hollywood never tires of recycling old ideas. Is it that there are no creative minds in Hollywood, or that they just can’t get their projects financed?
Are the big money men really so fucked up that they would rather plunk down money on a script based on an old sit-com or comic book rather than something new and bold?
Or their old stand-by, remaking successful and loved movies, and totally butchering them. This is probably not the case, but this story about the execrable Paul Verhoeven caught our eye, as it lifts the basic premise from one of our favorite movies:
‘Basic Instinct’ Director Paul Verhoeven: Jesus Was Son of Mary and Roman Rapist
In his upcoming biography of Jesus, “Basic Instinct” director Paul Verhoeven will make the shocking claim that Christ probably was the son of Mary and a Roman soldier who raped her during the Jewish uprising in Galilee.
An Amsterdam publishing house said Wednesday it will publish the Dutch filmmaker’s biography of Jesus, “Jesus of Nazareth: A Realistic Portrait,” in September.
It will be translated into English in 2009, Marianna Sterk of the publishing house J.M. Meulenhoff said. Verhoeven hopes it will be a springboard for him to raise interest in making a film along the same lines, she said.
Sounds like a remake of a classic script to us!
Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 6 : Mandy tells Brian he’s a Roman
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MANDY: Oh.
OFFICER: Good afternoon.
MANDY: Oh, ah. Hello, officer. Ehh. I’ll be with you in a few moments. All right, dear?
BRIAN: What’s he doing here?
MANDY: Now, don’t start that Brian, and go and clean your room out.
BRIAN: Bloody Romans.
MANDY: Now, look, Brian. If it wasn’t for them, we wouldn’t have all this, and don’t you forget it.
BRIAN: We don’t owe the Romans anything, Mum.
MANDY: Well, that’s not entirely true, is it Brian?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
MANDY: Well, you know you were asking me about your, uh…
BRIAN: My nose?
MANDY: Yes. Well, there’s a reason it’s… like it is, Brian.
BRIAN: What is it?
MANDY: Well, I suppose I should have told you a long time ago, but…
BRIAN: What?
MANDY: Well, Brian,… your father isn’t Mr. Cohen.
BRIAN: I never thought he was.
MANDY: Now, none of your cheek! He was a Roman, Brian. He was a centurion in the Roman army.
BRIAN: You mean… you were raped?
MANDY: Well, at first, yes.
BRIAN: Who was it?
MANDY: Heh. Nortius Maximus his name was. Hmm. Promised me the known world he did. I was to be taken to Rome, House by the Forum. Slaves. Asses’ milk. As much gold as I could eat. Then, he, having his way with me had… voom! Like a rat out of an aqueduct.
BRIAN: The bastard!
MANDY: Yeah. So, next time you go on about the ‘bloody Romans’, don’t forget you’re one of them.
BRIAN: I’m not a Roman, Mum, and I never will be! I’m a Kike! A Yid! A Hebe! A Hook-nose! I’m Kosher, Mum! I’m a Red Sea Pedestrian, and proud of it!
[slam]
MANDY: Huh. Sex, sex, sex. That’s all they think about, huh? Well, how are you, then, officer?
And of course, everyone’s favorite scene, where Mandy meets Judith and her full bush:
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We suggest Demi Moore for the part of Judith
