Monty Python’s And Now For Something Completely Different
Scene 4: Marriage Guidance Councelor
A little man enters, with a beautiful blond buxom woman dressed very scantily.
Arthur: Are you the marriage guidance counsellor?
Counsellor: Yes. Good morning.
Arthur: Good morning, sir.
Counsellor: (stares at woman, fascinated). And good morning to you madam.(pauses, shrugs himself out of staring and says to Arthur) Name?
Arthur: Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewty
Counsellor: (writes without looking down, just stares at Arthur’s wife) And what is the name of your ravishing wife? (holds her hand) Wait. Don’t tell me – it’s something to do with moonlight – it goes with her eyes – it’s soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny white rabbit.
Arthur: It’s Deidre.
Counsellor: Deidre. What a beautiful name. What a beautiful, beautiful name. (leans across and lightly brushes his hand accross Diedre’s cheek). And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage Mr Pewty?
Arthur: Well, it all started about five years ago when we started going on holiday in Brighton together. Deidre, that’s my wife, has always been a jolly good companion to me and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife – indeed the very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser has always been of the greatest repugnance to me although far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or profession.
The counsellor and Arthur’s wife are not listening, they are fascinated by each other.
Counsellor: (realising Arthur has stopped) Do go on.
Arthur: Well, as I say, we’ve always been good friends, sharing the interests, the gardening and so on, the model aeroplanes, the six penny bottle for the holiday money, and indeed twice a month settling down in the evenings doing the accounts, something which, er, Deidre, Deidre that’s my wife, er, particularly looked forward to on account of her feet (the counselor has his face very close to Diedres, so close that they could kiss) I should probably have said at the outset I’m noted for having something of a sense of humour, although I have kept myself very much to myself over the last two years notwithstanding, as it were, and it’s only as comparatively recently that I began to realize – well, er perhaps realize is not the correct word, er, imagine, that I was not the only thing in her life.
Counsellor: (who is practically in a clutch with Diedre) You suspected your wife?
Arthur: Well yes – at first, frankly yes. (the counsellor points Diedre to a screen. She goes behind it). Her behaviour did seem at the time to me, who after all was there to see, to be a little odd.
Arthur: Yes well, I mean to a certain extent yes. I’m not by nature a suspicious person – far from it – though in fact I have something of a reputation as an after-dinner speaker, if you take my meaning….
A piece of Diedre’s clothing comes over the top of the screen.
Counsellor: Yes I certainly do.
Diedre’s bra and panties come over the screen.
Arthur: Anyway in the area where I’m known people in fact know me extremely well….
Counsellor: (taking his jacket off). Oh yes. Would you hold this.
Arthur: Certainly yes. (helps him with his jacket. The counselor continues to undress). Anyway as I said, I decided to face up to the facts and stop beating about the bush or I’d never look myself in the bathroom mirror again.
Counselor: (strips down to his shorts). Er, look would you mind running long for ten minutes? Make it half an hour.
Arthur: No, no right-ho, fine. Yes I’ll wait outside shall I?…(the couselor has already gone behind the screen). Yes, well that’s perhaps the best things. Yes. (Deirdre’s panties fly past) You’ve certainly put my mind at rest on one or two points, there.
Exits through door.
(He is suddenly stopped by a crack of lightning and the voice of God)
Voice of God: Arthur Pewty! Are you a man… or a mouse? You’ve been running too long, Arthur Pewty; it’s time to stop. Time to turn and fight like a man! Go back in there, Arthur Pewty! Go backin there and pull your finger out!
(Triumphant music. For the first time something like courage begins to flash in Arthur Pewty’s face.)
Arthur: Yes! Yes, you’re right! This is it, Arthur Pewty! This is your moment Arthur Pewty! At last… you’re a man!
(He charges back into the office and bangs on the screen.)
Come out of there Deirdre! I know you’re in there!
Counselor: Go away!
Arthur: (meekly) Right-o.
(Squeals of delight come from behind the screen as Arthur plods out of the office. Violin music.)
(Arthur is crushed by a 16-ton weight. The caption reads “So much for pathos!”)