Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 7: Brian Meets the PFJ at the Forum
 |
 |
 |
 |
[trumpets]
[clap clap clap]
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen. The next contest is between… Frank Goliath, the Macedonian baby-crusher, and Boris Mineburg.
BRIAN: Want some…
VOICE: Thank you, fellows.
BRIAN: Larks’ tongues. Wrens’ livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars’ earlobes. Wolf nipple chips. Get ’em while they’re hot. They’re lovely. Dromedary pretzels, only half a denar. Tuscany fried bats.
JUDITH: I do feel, Reg, that any Anti-Imperialist group like ours must reflect such a divergence of interests within its power-base.
REG: Agreed. Francis?
FRANCIS: Yeah. I think Judith’s point of view is very valid, Reg, provided the Movement never forgets that it is the inalienable right of every man–
STAN: Or woman.
FRANCIS: Or woman… to rid himself–
STAN: Or herself.
FRANCIS: Or herself.
REG: Agreed.
FRANCIS: Thank you, brother.
STAN: Or sister.
FRANCIS: Or sister. Where was I?
REG: I think you’d finished.
FRANCIS: Oh. Right.
REG: Furthermore, it is the birthright of every man–
STAN: Or woman.
REG: Why don’t you shut up about women, Stan. You’re putting us off.
STAN: Women have a perfect right to play a part in our movement, Reg.
FRANCIS: Why are you always on about women, Stan?
STAN: I want to be one.
REG: What?
STAN: I want to be a woman. From now on, I want you all to call me ‘Loretta’.
REG: What?!
LORETTA: It’s my right as a man.
JUDITH: Well, why do you want to be Loretta, Stan?
LORETTA: I want to have babies.
REG: You want to have babies?!
LORETTA: It’s every man’s right to have babies if he wants them.
REG: But… you can’t have babies.
LORETTA: Don’t you oppress me.
REG: I’m not oppressing you, Stan. You haven’t got a womb! Where’s the foetus going to gestate?! You going to keep it in a box?!
LORETTA: [crying]
JUDITH: Here! I– I’ve got an idea. Suppose you agree that he can’t actually have babies, not having a womb, which is nobody’s fault, not even the Romans’, but that he can have the right to have babies.
FRANCIS: Good idea, Judith. We shall fight the oppressors for your right to have babies, brother. Sister. Sorry.
REG: What’s the point?
FRANCIS: What?
REG: What’s the point of fighting for his right to have babies when he can’t have babies?!
FRANCIS: It is symbolic of our struggle against oppression.
REG: Symbolic of his struggle against reality.
[trumpets]
[clap clap clap]
GUARD: Get out there.
BORIS: It’s, um–
GUARD: Get out there.
BORIS: It’s dangerous out there. Ah ah. Ah! Oh.
[clap clap clap]
[clank]
Ooh.
CROWD: Aaah. Ohh…
SPECTATOR: What a load of rubbish.
BRIAN: Larks’ tongues. Otters’ noses. Ocelot spleens.
REG: Got any nuts?
BRIAN: I haven’t got any nuts. Sorry. I’ve got wrens’ livers, badgers’ spleens–
REG: No, no, no.
BRIAN: Otters’ noses?
REG: I don’t want any of that Roman rubbish.
JUDITH: Why don’t you sell proper food?
BRIAN: Proper food?
REG: Yeah, not those rich imperialist tit-bits.
BRIAN: Well, don’t blame me. I didn’t ask to sell this stuff.
REG: All right. Bag of otters’ noses, then.
FRANCIS: Make it two.
REG: Two.
FRANCIS: Thanks, Reg.
BRIAN: Are you the Judean People’s Front?
REG: Fuck off!
BRIAN: What?
REG: Judean People’s Front. We’re the People’s Front of Judea! Judean People’s Front. Cawk.
FRANCIS: Wankers.
BRIAN: Can I… join your group?
REG: No. Piss off.
BRIAN: I didn’t want to sell this stuff. It’s only a job. I hate the Romans as much as anybody.
PEOPLE’S FRONT OF JUDEA: Shhhh. Shhhh. Shhh. Shh. Shhhh.
REG: Schtum.
JUDITH: Are you sure?
BRIAN: Oh, dead sure. I hate the Romans already.
REG: Listen. If you really wanted to join the P.F.J., you’d have to really hate the Romans.
BRIAN: I do!
REG: Oh, yeah? How much?
BRIAN: A lot!
REG: Right. You’re in. Listen. The only people we hate more than the Romans are the fucking Judean People’s Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah…
JUDITH: Splitters.
P.F.J.: Splitters…
FRANCIS: And the Judean Popular People’s Front.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Oh, yeah. Splitters. Splitters…
LORETTA: And the People’s Front of Judea.
P.F.J.: Yeah. Splitters. Splitters…
REG: What?
LORETTA: The People’s Front of Judea. Splitters.
REG: We’re the People’s Front of Judea!
LORETTA: Oh. I thought we were the Popular Front.
REG: People’s Front! C-huh.
FRANCIS: Whatever happened to the Popular Front, Reg?
REG: He’s over there.
P.F.J.: Splitter!
GOLIATH: [pant pant pant] Ooh. Ooh. I– I think I’m about to have a… cardiac arrest. Ooh. Ooh.
SPECTATOR: Absolutely dreadful. Hmm.
CROWD: [cheering]
REG: Yes, brother! Ha ha. What’s your name?
BRIAN: Brian. Brian Cohen.
REG: We may have a little job for you, Brian.