Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 17: Ben, the Ancient Prisoner
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VOICE: Huo!
[whip]
VOICE: Hoo hoo hoo! Oh!
[clank]
[whump]
BRIAN: Eh.
[clank]
JAILER: Eh, heh heh ha. [ptoo]
BRIAN: Aah! Eh.
JAILER: Eh, heh heh. [cough cough cough cough cough]
BEN: You lucky bastard.
BRIAN: Who’s that?
BEN: You lucky, lucky bastard.
BRIAN: What?
BEN: Proper little jailer’s pet, aren’t we?
BRIAN: What do you mean?
BEN: You must have slipped him a few shekels, eh?
BRIAN: Slipped him a few shekels? You saw him spit in my face!
BEN: Ohh! What wouldn’t I give to be spat at in the face! I sometimes hang awake at night dreaming of being spat at in the face.
BRIAN: Well, it’s not exactly friendly, is it? They had me in manacles!
BEN: Manacles! Ooh oooh oh oh. My idea of heaven is to be allowed to be put in manacles… just for a few hours. They must think the sun shines out o’ your arse, sonny.
BRIAN: Oh, lay off me. I’ve had a hard time!
BEN: You’ve had a hard time?! I’ve been here five years! They only hung me the right way up yesterday! So, don’t you come ‘rou–
BRIAN: All right. All right.
BEN: They must think you’re Lord God Almighty.
BRIAN: What will they do to me?
BEN: Oh, you’ll probably get away with crucifixion.
BRIAN: Crucifixion?!
BEN: Yeah, first offence.
BRIAN: Get away with crucifixion?! It’s–
BEN: Best thing the Romans ever did for us.
BRIAN: What?!
BEN: Oh, yeah. If we didn’t have crucifixion, this country would be in a right bloody mess.
BRIAN: Guards!
BEN: Nail him up, I say!
BRIAN: Guards!
BEN: Nail some sense into him!
JAILER: [cough cough] What do you want?
BRIAN: I want you to move me to another cell.
JAILER: Ha! [ptoo]
BRIAN: Aah!
BEN: Oh, look at that! Bloody favouritism!
JAILER: Shut up, you!
BEN: Sorry!
JAILER: Huhh. [cough cough]
BEN: Now, take my case. They hung me up here five years ago. Every night, they take me down for twenty minutes, then they hang me up again, which I regard as very fair, in view of what I done, and, if nothing else, it’s taught me to respect the Romans, and it’s taught me… that you’ll never get anywhere in this life, unless you’re prepared to do a fair day’s work for a fair day’s pay!
BRIAN: Oh, shut up!
[clank]
JAILER: Ehhh.
CENTURION: Pilate wants to see you!
BRIAN: Me?
CENTURION: Come on!
BRIAN: Pilate? What does he want to see me for?
CENTURION: I think he wants to know which way up you want to be crucified.
BEN: Oh, ha ha ha haa! Ha haa! Nice one, Centurion. Like it. Like it.
CENTURION: Shut up!
BEN: Right. Right. Terrific race, the Romans. Terrific.