Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 18: Simon the Holy Man
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[holy music]
FOLLOWERS: Master! Master!…
BRIAN: Hey! Is there another way down? Is there another path down to the river?
SIMON THE HOLY MAN: Mmmmmmm.
BRIAN: Please! Please help me! I’ve got to get–
SIMON: Mm.
[whump]
Oh, my foot! Oh!
BRIAN: Shhhh.
SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, damn!
BRIAN: Well, I’m sorry. Shhh.
SIMON: Oh, damn, damn, and blast it!
BRIAN: I’m sorry. Shhhh!
SIMON: Don’t you ‘shhhh’ me. Eighteen years of total silence, and you ‘shhhh’ me!
BRIAN: What?
SIMON: I’ve kept my vow for eighteen years. Not a single, recognisable, articulate sound has passed my lips.
BRIAN: Oh, please. Could you be quiet for another five minutes?
SIMON: Oh, it doesn’t matter now. I might as well enjoy myself. The times in the last eighteen years I’ve wanted to shout and sing and…
BRIAN: Shhhh.
SIMON: …scream my name out! Oh, I’m alive!
BRIAN: Shhh.
SIMON: Hava Nagila!
BRIAN: Shhh.
SIMON: Hava Nagila! Hava Nagila, ha ha ha! Look out. Oh, I’m alive! I’m alive! Hello birds! Hello trees! I’m alive! Get off. I’m alive! Hava Nagila. Hava the relinq–
FOLLOWERS: Master! The Master! Master! Master!…
SHOE FOLLOWER: The Master! Aha. He is here!
FRANK: Master!
FOLLOWERS: The shoe!…
ARTHUR: The shoe has brought us here!
ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak!
FOLLOWERS: Shhhhh!
ARTHUR and HARRY: Speak to us, Master! Speak to us!
BRIAN: Go away!
FOLLOWERS: A blessing! A blessing!
ARTHUR: How shall we go away, Master?!
BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone!
SHOE FOLLOWER: Give us a sign!
ARTHUR: He has given us a sign! He has brought us to this place!
BRIAN: I didn’t bring you here! You just followed me!
SHOE FOLLOWER: Oh, it’s still a good sign by any standard.
ARTHUR: Master! Your people have walked many miles to be with You! They are weary and have not eaten.
BRIAN: It’s not my fault they haven’t eaten!
ARTHUR: There is no food in this high mountain!
BRIAN: Well, what about the juniper bushes over there?
FOLLOWERS: Hhhh! A miracle! A miracle! Ohh!…
SHOE FOLLOWER: He has made the bush fruitful by His words.
YOUTH: They have brought forth juniper berries.
BRIAN: Of course they’ve brought forth juniper berries! They’re juniper bushes! What do you expect?!
ELSIE: Show us another miracle!
ARTHUR: Do not tempt Him, shallow ones! Is not the miracle of the juniper bushes enough?!
SIMON: I say, those are my juniper bushes.
ARTHUR: They are a gift from God!
SIMON: They’re all I’ve bloody got to eat. Uhm. I say, get off those bushes! Go on! Clear off, the lot of you. Go on.
HARRY: Lord! I am affected by a bald patch.
BLIND MAN: I am healed! The Master has healed me!
BRIAN: I didn’t touch him!
BLIND MAN: I was blind, and now I can see! Aargh!
[whump]
FOLLOWERS: A miracle! A miracle! A miracle!
SIMON: Tell them to stop it. I hadn’t said a word for eighteen years till he came along.
FOLLOWERS: A miracle! He is the Messiah!
SIMON: Well, he hurt my foot!
FOLLOWERS: Hurt my foot, Lord! Hurt my foot. Hurt mine…
ARTHUR: Hail Messiah!
BRIAN: I’m not the Messiah!
ARTHUR: I say You are, Lord, and I should know. I’ve followed a few.
FOLLOWERS: Hail Messiah!
BRIAN: I’m not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!
GIRL: Only the true Messiah denies His divinity.
BRIAN: What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!
FOLLOWERS: He is! He is the Messiah!
BRIAN: Now, fuck off!
[silence]
ARTHUR: How shall we fuck off, O Lord?
BRIAN: Oh, just go away! Leave me alone.
SIMON: You told these people to eat my juniper berries. You break my bloody foot. You break my vow of silence, and then you try and clean up on my juniper bushes!
BRIAN: Oh, lay off!
ARTHUR: This is the Messiah, the Chosen One!
SIMON: No, he’s not.
BRIAN: Aaaagh!
ARTHUR: An unbeliever!
FOLLOWERS: An unbeliever!
ARTHUR: Persecute! Kill the heretic!
FOLLOWERS: Kill the heretic! Kill him! Persecute! Kill!…
BRIAN: Leave him alone! Leave him alone! Leave him alone. Put him down. Please!
JUDITH: Brian?
BRIAN: Judith?