Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Scene 20: Pilate and Biggus Dickus
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[whump]
BRIAN: Aah.
PILATE: Well, Bwian, you’ve given us a good wun for our money.
BRIAN: A what?
[slap]
Aaagh.
PILATE: This time, I guawantee you will not escape. Guard, do we have any cwucifixions today?
GUARD #1: A hundred and thirty-nine, sir. Special celebration. Passover, sir.
PILATE: Wight. Now we have a hundwed and forty. Nice wound number, eh, Biggus?
BIGGUS DICKUS: Hm hm hm hm hm.
CENTURION: Hail Caesar!
PILATE: Hail.
CENTURION: The crowd outside is getting a bit restless, sir. Permission to disperse them, please.
PILATE: Disperse them? But I haven’t addwessed them yet.
CENTURION: Ah, no. I know sir, but–
PILATE: My addwess is one of the high points of the Passover. My fwiend, Biggus Dickus, has come all the way fwom Wome just to hear it.
CENTURION: Hail Caesar.
BIGGUS: Hail Thaethar!
CENTURION: You’re not– ah, you’re not, uh, thinking o– of giving it a miss this year, then, sir?
PILATE: Give it a miss?
CENTURION: Well, it’s just that they’re in a rather funny mood today, sir.
PILATE: Weally, Centuwion? I’m surpwised to hear a man like you wattled by a wabble of wowdy webels.
CENTURION: A… bit thundery, sir.
PILATE: Take him away.
BRIAN: I’m a Roman! I– I can prove it, honestly!
PILATE: And cwucify him well! Biggus.
CENTURION: Ah, I– I really wouldn’t, sir.
PILATE: Out of the way, Centuwion.
BIGGUS: Let me come with you, Pontiuth. I may be of thome athithtanth if there ith a thudden crithith.