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Series 1, Episode 1: Arthur “Two-Sheds” Jackson
The cast:
HOST Eric Idle
ARTHUR JACKSON Terry Jones
OTHER HOST John Cleese
The sketch:
Host: Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a new symphony by one of the world’s leading modern composers, Arthur ‘Two sheds’ Jackson. Mr Jackson.
Jackson: Hello.
Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This — what shall I call it — nickname of yours…
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: “Two sheds”. How did you come by it?
Jackson: Well, I don’t use it myself, but some of my friends call me “Two Sheds”.
Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?
Jackson: No, I’ve only got one. I’ve had one for some time, but a few years ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some people have called me “Two Sheds”.
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Jackson: Yes.
Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?
Jackson: (impatient) No!
Host: …To bring you in line with your epithet?
Jackson: No.
Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?
Jackson: (surprised) No!
Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
Jackson: No, no, not at all. It’s just an ordinary garden shed.
Host: I see, I see. And you’re thinking of buying this second shed to write in!
Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business — it doesn’t really matter. The sheds aren’t important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that’s all there is to it. I wish you’d ask me about the music. Everybody talks about the sheds. They’ve got it out of proportion — I’m a composer. I’m going to get rid of the shed. I’m fed up with it!
Host: Then you’ll be Arthur ‘No Sheds’ Jackson, eh?
Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don’t matter.
Host: (sternly) Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the subject of your symphony.
Jackson: Huh!
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.
Jackson: What?
Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in train-spotting.
Jackson: Well what’s that got to do with my bloody music?
Other host: (entering) Are you having any trouble with him?
Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You’re the man who interviewed Sir Edward Ross earlier.
Other host: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you, “Two Sheds”.
Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, “Two Sheds”. This studio isn’t big enough for the three of us! (They throw him out.)
Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.]
Other host: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!
Host: Arthur “Two Sheds” Jackson… Never mind, Timmy.
Other host: Oh Mike, you’re such a comfort.