Series 1, Episode 2: Marriage Guidance Councelor
COUNSELLOR Eric Idle
ARTHUR PEWTY Michael Palin
DEIDRE PEWTY Carol Cleveland
SOUTHERNER VOICE John Cleese
A little man enters, with a beautiful blond buxom woman dressed very scantily.
Arthur: Are you the marriage guidance counsellor?
Counsellor: Yes. Good morning.
Arthur: Good morning, sir.
Counsellor: (stares at woman, fascinated). And good morning to you madam.(pauses, shrugs himself out of staring and says to Arthur) Name?
Arthur: Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Pewty
Counsellor: (writes without looking down, just stares at Arthur’s wife) And what is the name of your ravishing wife? (holds her hand) Wait. Don’t tell me – it’s something to do with moonlight – it goes with her eyes – it’s soft and gentle, warm and yielding, deeply lyrical and yet tender and frightened like a tiny white rabbit.
Arthur: It’s Deidre.
Counsellor: Deidre. What a beautiful name. What a beautiful, beautiful name. (leans across and lightly brushes his hand accross Diedre’s cheek). And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage Mr Pewty?
Arthur: Well, it all started about five years ago when we started going on holiday in Brighton together. Deidre, that’s my wife, has always been a jolly good companion to me and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife – indeed the very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser has always been of the greatest repugnance to me although far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or profession.
The counsellor and Arthur’s wife are not listening, they are fascinated by each other.
Counsellor: (realising Arthur has stopped) Do go on.
Arthur: Well, as I say, we’ve always been good friends, sharing the interests, the gardening and so on, the model aeroplanes, the sixpenny bottle for the holiday money, and indeed twice a month settling down in the evenings doing the accounts, something which, er, Deidre, Deidre that’s my wife, er, particularly looked forward to on account of her feet (the counsellor has his face very close to Diedres, so close that they could kiss) I should probably have said at the outset I’m noted for having something of a sense of humour, although I have kept myself very much to myself over the last two years notwithstanding, as it were, and it’s only as comparatively recently that I began to realize – well, er perhaps realize is not the correct word, er, imagine, that I was not the only thing in her life.
Counsellor: (who is practically in a clutch with Diedre) You suspected your wife?
Arthur: Well yes – at first, frankly yes. (the counsellor points Diedre to a screen. She goes behind it). Her behaviour did seem at the time to me, who after all was there to see, to be a little odd.
Arthur: Yes well, I mean to a certain extent yes. I’m not by nature a suspicious person – far from it – though in fact I have something of a reputation as an after-dinner speaker, if you take my meaning….
A piece of Diedre’s clothing comes over the top of the screen.
Counsellor: Yes I certainly do.
Diedre’s bra and panties come over the screen.
Arthur: Anyway in the area where I’m known people in fact know me extremely well….
Counsellor: (taking his jacket off). Oh yes. Would you hold this.
Arthur: Certainly yes. (helps him with his jacket. The counsellor continues to undress). Anyway as I said, I decided to face up to the facts and stop beating about the bush or I’d never look myself in the bathroom mirror again.
Counsellor: (strips down to his shorts). Er, look would you mind running long for ten minutes? Make it half an hour.
Arthur: No, no right-ho, fine. Yes I’ll wait outside shall I?…(the cousellor has already gone behind the screen). Yes, well that’s perhaps the best things. Yes. You’ve certainly put my mind at rest on one or two points, there.
Exits through door. Arthur is stopped by a deep southern American voice.
Southener: Now wait there stranger. A man can run and run for year after year until he realizes that what he’s running from ……is hisself.
Southener: A man’s got ot do what a man’s got to do, and there ain’t no sense in runnin’. Now you gotta turn, and you gotta fight, and you gotta hold your head up high.
Southener: Now you go back in there my son and be a man.
Arthur: Yes I will. I will!. I’ve been pushed around long enough. This is it. This is your monent Arthur Pewty – this is it Arthur Pewty. At last you’re a man! (open the door very determined). All right, Diedre, come out of there.
Counsellor: Go away.
Arthur: Right. Right.
Arthur is then hit in the head with a chicken by a man in a suit of armour.