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Series 1, Episode 10: Gorilla Librarian
The cast:
VICAR Terry Jones
CHAIRMAN Graham Chapman
GORILLA Eric Idle
The sketch:
(Cut to interview room in town hall: a tweedy colonel type chairman; next to him a vicar and a lady with a pince-nez. The chairman is holding up the picture of Caesar. As the camera pulls out he rather obviously throws it away.)
Vicar: Here, what was that picture?
Chairman: Ssh! Next! (a gorilla enters) Good morning – Mr Phipps?
Gorilla: (Eric) That’s right, yes.
Chairman: Er, do take a seat.
Gorilla: Right sir. (sits)
Chairman: Now could you tell us roughly why you want to become a librarian?
Gorilla: Er, well, I’ve had a certain amount of experience running a library at school.
Chairman: Yes, yes. What sort of experience?
Gorilla: Er, well for a time I ran the Upper Science Library.
Chairman: Yes, yes. Now Mr Phipps, you do realize that the post of librarian carries with it certain very important responsibilities. I mean, there’s the selection of books, the record library, and the art gallery. Now it seems to me that your greatest disadvantage is your lack of professional experience … coupled with the fact that, urn, being a gorilla, you would tend to frighten people.
Vicar: (aside) Isn’t he a gorilla?
Chairman: Yes he is.
Vicar: Well why didn’t it say on his form that he’s a gorilla?
Chairman: Well, you see applicants are not required to fill in their species.
Vicar: What was that picture?
Chairman: Sh! … Mr Phipps, what is your attitude toward censorship in a public library?
Gorilla: How do you mean, sir?
Vicar: Well I mean for instance, would you for instance stock ‘Last Exit to Brooklyn’… or … ‘Groupie’?
Gorilla: Yes, I think so.
Vicar: Good.
Chairman: Yes, well, that seems to me to be very sensible Mr Phipps. I can’t pretend that this library hasn’t had its difficulties … Mr Robertson, your predecessor, an excellent librarian, savaged three people last week and had to be destroyed.
Gorilla: I’m sorry sir.
Chairman: Oh, no, don’t be sorry. You see, I don’t believe that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, and that’s been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.
Vicar: And also, they’re much more permissive. Pumas keep Hank Janson on open shelves…
Chairman: Yes. Yes. Yes. (a maniacal look in his eyes) Yes, yes Mr Phipps. I love seeing the customers when they come in to complain about some book being damaged, and ask to see the chief librarian and then … you should see their faces when the proud beast leaps from his tiny office, snatches the book from their hands and sinks his fangs into their soft er … (collects himself) Mr Phipps … Kong! You can be our next librarian – you’re proud majestic and fierce enough … will you do it?
Gorilla: I … don’t think I can sir.
Vicar: Why not?
Gorilla: I.. I’m not really a gorilla…
Vicar: Eh?
Gorilla: I’m a librarian in a skin …
Chairman: Why this deception?
Gorilla: Well, they said it was the best way to get the job.
Chairman: Get out, Mr Librarian Phipps, seeing as you’re not a gorilla, but only dressed up as one, trying to deceive us in order to further your career … (gorilla leaves) Next. (a dog comes in) Ah. Mr Pattinson … Sit!
(Cut to angry letters.)