Series 1, Episode 13: Stonehenge
CHIEF CONSTABLE Terry Jones
SERGEANT Graham Chapman
BERYL John Cleese
ATTILA THE HUN Michael Palin
FIRST VOICE OVER Eric Idle
SECOND VOICE OVER Michael Palin
THIRD VOICE OVER John Cleese
(Cut to police dancing round Stonehenge a burglar is bound to a stone altar. Mix to picture of same thing in newspaper which is bring read by a chief constable in his office.)
Chief Constable: Now this is the kind of thing that gives the police a bad name, sergeant.
Pull out further to reveal police sergeant in long shimmering slim-fitting ladies evening gown, diamanté handbag and helmet.
Sergeant: I know, sir.
(Intercom buzzer goes on desk.)
Chief Constable: (depressing knob) Yes, Beryl?
Beryl: (male voice) Attila the Hun to see you, sir.
Chief Constable: Who?
Beryl: Attila the Hun, sir.
Chief Constable: Oh botherkins! Er, constable, go and see to him will you?
Sergeant: What! In this dress?
Chief Constable: Oh all right, I’ll go.
Sergeant: Oh, I have got a little green pinny I could wear…
Chief Constable: No, no, no, I’ll go. You stay here.
Sergeant: Oh goody! I can get on with the ironing.
(The chief constable walks through the door into the reception area of the police station. There is a policeman behind the counter and a little insignificant man is standing waiting.)
Chief Constable: (to policeman) Right where is he?
Beryl: Over there, sir.
Chief Constable: Right, er, all fight sergeant leave this to me. Er, now then sir, you are Attila the Hun.
Attila the Hun: That’s right, yes. A. T. Hun. My parents were Mr and Mrs Norman Hun, but they had a little joke when I was born.
Chief Constable: Yes well, Mr Hun …
Attila: Oh! Call me ‘The’, for heaven’s sake!
Chief Constable: Oh well, The… what do you want to see us about?
Attila: I’ve come to give myself up.
Chief Constable: What for?
Attila: Looting, pillaging and sacking a major city.
Chief Constable: I beg your pardon?
Attila: Looting, pillaging, sacking a major city, and I’d like nine thousand other charges to be taken into consideration, please.
Chief Constable: I say, excuse me, Mr Hun. (he takes his hat off, removes his moustache, puts it in the hat and puts the hat back on) Have you any objection to taking a breath test?
Attila: Oh, no. No, no, no, no.
Chief Constable: Right, er, sergeant will you bring the Hunalyser, please?
(The constable produces a breathalyser.)
Beryl: Here we are, sir.
(Hands it to the chief constable.)
Chief Constable: Er, how’s it work?
Beryl: Well he breathes into it, sir, and the white crystals turn lime green. Then he is Attila the Hun, sir.
Chief Constable: I see. Right. Would you mind breathing into this Mr Hun?
Attila: Right. (blows into bag)
Chief Constable: What if nothing happens, sergeant?
Beryl: He’s Alexander the Great!
Chief Constable: Ha, ha! Caught you, Mr A. T. Great!
Attila: (who is now Alexander the Great) Oh curses! Curses! I thought I was safe, disguised as Attila the Hun.
Chief Constable: Oh perhaps so, but you made one fatal mistake… you see, this wasn’t a Hunalyser… it was an Alexander the Greatalyser Take him away, Beryl!
(Cut to letter)
First Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object very strongly to that last scene, and to the next letter.
(Cut to second letter.)
Second Voice Over: Dear Sir, I object to being objected to by the last letter, before my drift has become apparent. I spent many years in India during the last war and am now a part-time notice board in a prominent public school. Yours etc., Brigadier Zoe La Rue (deceased). PS Aghhh!
(Cut to third letter.)
Third Voice Over: Dear Sir, When I was at. school, I was beaten regularly every thirty minutes, and it never did me any harm -except for psychological maladjusunent and blurred vision. Yours truly, Flight Lieutenant Ken Frankenstein (Mrs).