Series 2, Episode 14: Tobacconist
CUSTOMER Eric Idle
SHOPKEEPER Terry Jones
(Camera closes in on a small ad, which is one of many on the door of a small newsagent’s shop. A shabby man is running down the adverts, puzzling, looking for something. He walks up to the counter. He has a reflex wink.)
Customer: Good morning.
Shopkeeper: Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
Customer: Help me? Yeah, I’ll say you can help me.
Shopkeeper: Yes, sir?
Customer: I come about your advert – ‘Small white pussy cat for sale. Excellent condition’.
Shopkeeper: Ah. You wish to buy it?
Customer: That’s right. Just for the hour. Only I aint gonna pay more’n a fiver cos it aint worth it.
Shopkeeper: Well it’s come from a very good home – it’s house trained.
Customer: (long think, goes to door, looks at ads again) Chest of drawers? Chest. Drawers. I’d like some chest of drawers please.
Shopkeeper: Yes, sir.
Customer: Does it go?
Shopkeeper: Er, it’s over there in the corner. (indicates a wooden chest of drawers)
Customer: Oh. (goes to door, runs his finger down the list of adverts) Pram for sale. Any offers. I’d like a bit of pram please.
Shopkeeper: Ah yes, sir. That’s in good condition.
Customer: Oh good, I like them in good condition, eh? Eh?
Shopkeeper: Yes, here it is you see. (picks up pram)
Customer: (looks, pauses, goes back to the door, runs finger again) Babysitter. No, it’s a babysitter. Babysitter?
Customer: Babysitter – I don’t want a babysitter. Be a blood donor – that’s it. I’d like to give some blood please, argh! (shopkeeper shakes head) Oh spit. Which one is it? (shopkeeper slips him a card from out of his pocket) Blond prostitute will indulge in any sexual activity for four quid a week. What does that mean?